Silence is golden

[Onandon]

I have only recently realised my elderly mother is a covert narc and has been for at least 50 years. The relief of finally knowing what she is and why she behaves as she does has been immense.  I feel angry at her but also at myself for being so comprehensively hood winked by her over so many years.  Overall though I feel  liberated. No more fear, obligation or guilt. I have been NC with my mother for six months and the silence has been golden.

[Free2Bme]

Onandon,
Welcome, glad you found this place.  I hope you will find some clarity and peace, this is a great place for support. 

[Onandon]

Thank you. It has been so helpful and illuminating to find my feelings reflected and validated on this website.

[BestLife08]

I'm very happy to hear you're doing better, Orandon.  I finally got a solid understanding of my father's NPD and covert tactics about 3-4 years ago, and am just seeing how my mother provided cover and enabled him to abuse me and am just now coming to terms with that (I had placed her on a pedestal until recently because she was his other primary target and probably did the best she could, except divorce was in order for everyone's good). 

My mom passed nearly 3 years ago, and I've been mostly NC with my father since then but am still struggling with anger and trying to clear my head of decades of negative programming. Do you have any suggestions?

[Onandon]

Hi BestLife08. I wrestle with anger (sometimes quite intense) about the number my mother has played on me and my sibling. To the outside world she was a shy and introverted widow coping bravely. In the privacy of her own home she would  let rip - rant, rage and hate at will and at length. She was the only mother (and parent) I had and I wanted for many years to believe she would  morph into a normal loving mother if I only I could get the circumstances right and turn her 'human' switch on. That she didn't have that loving mother on switch and didn't care what mental health pain she caused her children is something that still makes me rage afresh. But alongside that is the knowledge I now have of her severe limitations as someone with NPD. She will never change, I can't change her, her love for me is entirely conditional on getting her needs met. For me, this assessment has been liberating (though I'm nowhere near the forgiving stage yet). It has also helped with the negative programming you mentioned. I now have more insight into my own behaviour and am trying to get rid of some of the narc fleas.
I don't know if any of this is helpful in relation to your father (and reconciling memories of your mother) but one thing I do think is important is to be kind to yourself on any recovery journey. I wish you luck.
.

[BestLife08]

Thanks, Onandon.  Yes, I think you're right about being kind to oneself - seems to be the key and I'm getting better at it. but still relapse.  I think it's also helpful to acknowledge that their criticism and attacks are mostly projection, revealing their true self.  My brother is from the same mold as my father, and he made me realize this a few years ago because his random insults were so completely baseless, I realized he was seeing me has his reflection. Bizarre.

Best of luck to you as well. 

[BestLife08]

BTW, my father's abuse (after I outgrew his ability to physically beat or threaten me) was largely covert.  Death by a million cuts presented with a grin, always cowardly done with others present so I wouldn't counter his attack. This is why it took me 50 years to figure out exactly what he had done, thanks to testimonies found online. There's no way to convey this to anyone who's not been through it, which can make one crazy. 

Carry on!

[Thru the Rain]

The relief of finally knowing what she is and why she behaves as she does has been immense.

I felt the same way when I finally had words and objective definitions for my own uPDM's behavior. I'm glad you've reached this place.

And you mention feeling hoodwinked. I get that too! I've seen discussions here on this site going back and forth on whether the disordered people in our lives *know* their behavior is damaging or not. I fall on the side of "no" my uPDM has no idea she's hurting anyone. In some ways that's better because she's not intentionally hurtful). And on the other hand this means that she's utterly clueless and careless about how her behavior affects other people.

[Mamu]

Onandon, I've lived a life till date in silence and am so much in love with it. I got to know about my sweet covert mom only last year and this year she died. I had always stayed away from her but she was always in my mind. I would call her first before getting out of the bed in the morning. As if it was a plan and in March 2019 I happen to stay with her and discovered about PDs and then slowly slowly her mask felt. She late dad was her victim and she played big-time. I was hurtful. So I stayed but my soul distanced myself from her. No attachment. I was happy and I'm happier. I did my best to save her but she wanted to leave. Now, her elder step sister (was married to the elder brother of my dad) is a widow and has no children. She is an overt narc.  I get pulled by her induced talks. I tend to go nc, I put my cellphone on the airplane mode but somehow she makes it whenever airplane mode is off. And she leaves with some hurt. I do not know how to soul distance myself from her. And I got two bro. They are like my mom. But, I'm not attached to them but committed to me first and to them if they need truly. Cos an HSP gets it. Still, I have no idea how I have peace. Maybe cos I love silence. Sorry for the long post.

[Onandon2]

[quote author=Thru the Rain link=topic=86593.msg743649#msg74

I've seen discussions here on this site going back and forth on whether the disordered people in our lives *know* their behavior is damaging or not.
[/quote]

Thru the Rain this is interesting. I think my  mother does know at some deep-ish level that her behaviour is damaging but it is fairly irrelevant to her. Her needs trump all else. Brought up on the primacy of placing her needs first I have only very rarely intimated that her behaviour has hurt or upset me. Her response has either been avoidance or deflection and she has easily and quickly convinced herself she is not to blame.

(My original username is Onandon but I forgot my password and couldn't get a password reset so have re-registered as Onandon2. I have also tried to use the quote facility with limited success!)