Reconnecting with you all

[SunComingUp]

Hi Everyone,

I used to post on here as "onlineguy" almost two years ago, but I have no idea what email I used to sign up with, so can't get the forgot password link to work. I found great strength and wisdom in these forums, and since my last post on January 4th, I have successfully left my uAVPD/uOCPD spouse and am working towards a divorce. It has been an all-consuming effort, so I haven't revisited Out of the FOG in a while, but I'd like to update and start to give back to this community, like you gave to me over the last couple/few years.

After an incident in October, 2019, I essentially cracked, threw as much of my stuff as would fit in my car, and drove five hours to my hometown while my spouse was away. She ended up in the ER and a psych ward in the early hours of the morning as a result, but I held my ground and we have been separated for just over a year now. No question, it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

The challenge in all of this is in knowing that I left her with very few options and resources. She is homeless, couch-surfing around her city in a high-risk category for covid, no job, and few prospects. It's worrisome. I am paying for several things for her, amounting to a solid percentage of my income, which I am happy to do, but it isn't enough for her to live on really.  Among many, many other things, I left because her uOCPD/uAVPD behaviors and beliefs prevented her from finishing school, being employed, or even leaving the house while we were together. I am seeing the result of this now that I am out of the picture, and it is painful. It is okay for me to feel guilt, but I am having a hard time releasing that feeling. Her situation is not my fault, and I know this, but I am having a hard time believing it.

If you read any of onlineguy's post history, you'll see that I tried everything I could to salvage our relationship, to the detriment of my work, my family life, and my mental and physical health. I made the decision to save all four of those things by leaving, and I am better for it. But damnit if the guilt doesn't stick around. Any book or website recommendations for working through these feelings? I'm in between therapists, and it will take some time for me to be established with a new provider.  If you made it this far, thank you for reading!

[Stillirise]

Welcome back! I remember reading some of your old posts, even before I was posting here myself.

What a brave step you took!  It's easy to talk the talk of the toolbox (3 C's, cleanup rule, and "my stuff/your stuff" come immediately to mind here), but it's a lot harder to accept it when the rubber meets the road.  I'm honestly not the best person here to offer advice, but I think I do understand where you are.

Our situations are different,.  However, my stbxUPDh decided to move to what I would say is a 1/2 step up from a van down by the river. He's been living there since last spring, and the children stay there when they visit every other weekend.  He isn't financially destitute, or unemployed. He's living there to try and look like a victim.  Even knowing his sad vagabond act is for show, I still catch myself feeling guilty about it occasionally.  I think IME at least, one thing that is taking some time is for me to begin to act and feel like my own life is really, truly separate from his.

Hang in there.  Thanks for coming back!

[capybara]

That sounds really difficult. My BPDH is high-functioning, so I had a lot of guilt but I didn't worry that he would be in such a bad living situation.

What helped me was therapy, and also a very Christian book, Henry Cloud's "Boundaries." It helped me realize that while doing what H wanted might ease his pain in the moment, in the long run it was preventing him from confronting his problems.

Bancroft and Patrissi's "Should I Stay or Should I Go" was also incredibly helpful, even though I read it after we had separated. It is specifically aimed at women and I frankly think the part about men being violent because of sexism is incorrect, so you might have to skip some sections. But it is very helpful in talking about the differences between a healthy and an abusive relationship. Much clearer than anything else I read, and it has good exercises to figure yourself out.

I think the therapy helped me realize that I can't sacrifice my life to try to ease someone else's pain. It just doesn't work.

[SunComingUp]

Thank you both! Stillirise - really appreciate the direction toward the toolbox. I had actually weirdly thought "we aren't together so there's probably nothing in the toolbox that would help," but I was of course mistaken! The three items you mentioned already provided me with a zap of mental fortitude surrounding this situation, so thank you so much for that. And I totally relate to your statement about it taking time to fully separate our lives from theirs. Even if we can acknowledge it intellectually, embedding that knowledge in our psyche is pretty tough sometimes. Thanks again for your comments.

Capybara - I'm definitely looking at therapy. I just now got insurance from a recent job change and am hoping to take advantage of it soon. Your statement about boundaries reminded me that "confronting her problems" is exactly what she is being forced to do right now. She was never, ever able to confront her issues while we were together because, since all of her needs were met, she focused mostly on executing her PD behaviors (rather than managing them). I will also look at Should I Stay or Should I Go (with a critical eye). I believe that more definition around the abusive relationship will be helpful, as well. Appreciate your comments!