Deep-rooted Fear of Becoming Her

harlowblakely · November 25, 2020, 01:50:58 AM

I've recently been reading "Understanding the Borderline Mother". I have been finding it extremely helpful in some ways but also absolutely terrifying in others.

One of my biggest in life is that I become my mother or really that I am anything like her. I know that with something like BPD it is very common for a BPD mother to "pass" the disorder on to her daughters. I am currently on the chapter elaborating on the "Waif" and instead of it hitting a chord with how my mother is I found it striking at how I was. I like to think that I have grown a lot sense moving out of my mother's house and going NC. But remembering some of the things I used to do and ways I used to behave disgust me. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and stop existing. I know that it is very possible that at the least I have characteristics of BPD and I know it is not the end of the world if I do. But it feels like the end of the world.

Not to mention that as I read this book I find myself thinking, "well, my mom never did anything that extreme so I have no room to complain." I was talking to a friend and I explained a lot of the stuff that my mom did to me as "almost traumas". Everything she did was so subtle, it's like for the most part she would stab me (with a metaphorical) knife while no one was looking and then when they were looking she would just twist the knife, enough that hurt but not enough that anyone noticed. But I know that before my brothers stopped talking to her she was more overt with her abuse, so it makes me feel even more like nothing ever happened because she was capable of doing the stereotypical BPD stuff but rarely ever did it with me. I don't know if any of this makes sense but I know if it will make sense to anyone it will be someone here.

I have therapy tomorrow so it's definitely something I am going to bring up. It's just like this pit in my stomach that is always there, the self doubt in my own story about her, the worry that I will become her, and the fear that maybe I was the problem all along.

If anyone can has had similar thoughts or feelings I would appreciate whatever advice you can give me.

Thanks

Hepatica · November 25, 2020, 08:04:44 AM

Hi harlowblakely,

I want to respond by telling you something that happened to me and most of my student peers when I was in a post-graduate program for art therapy. We all had to do a lot of reading of psychology textbooks and learn about definitions of disorders and many other things, and many of us felt like we had all of the issues. It happens in the medical field as well. Pre-med students think they have the ailment they are learning about. I think what's happening with you is like that. You are reading about borderline and you are seeing it in yourself. This is really common but the difference is, you have self reflection and are seeking to heal.

One of the things about disorders is there is no blood test for them. It is assessed based on how many signs and symptoms one has over time and I've heard that those with trauma can get diagnoses as borderline, when their symptoms are actually trauma symptoms. As well when we grow up with disorder we often get "fleas."

Many people here will tell you that if you are self-reflective that is often an indicator that you have the conscience and empathy that our abusers did not have. We may have fleas. We may have messy trauma reactions but we also have conscience and empathy and we reflect on our behaviour and work on recovery.

You may be having trauma reactions or fleas and that's okay because you are seeking therapy and support and you will get better with time.

I look back on my behaviour and cringe about it too. Currently I continually reflect on myself and how I can improve. I think this is a good thing and should be done until we die. We are human and there is no perfection here. But if you are seeking therapy and taking a good look at your life, i am proud of you. You are not like your mother and that's progress in breaking the cycle.

Adria · November 25, 2020, 10:13:01 AM

harlowblakely · November 25, 2020, 03:49:51 PM

Quote from: Hepatica on November 25, 2020, 08:04:44 AM
Hi harlowblakely,

I want to respond by telling you something that happened to me and most of my student peers when I was in a post-graduate program for art therapy. We all had to do a lot of reading of psychology textbooks and learn about definitions of disorders and many other things, and many of us felt like we had all of the issues. It happens in the medical field as well. Pre-med students think they have the ailment they are learning about. I think what's happening with you is like that. You are reading about borderline and you are seeing it in yourself. This is really common but the difference is, you have self reflection and are seeking to heal.

One of the things about disorders is there is no blood test for them. It is assessed based on how many signs and symptoms one has over time and I've heard that those with trauma can get diagnoses as borderline, when their symptoms are actually trauma symptoms. As well when we grow up with disorder we often get "fleas."

Many people here will tell you that if you are self-reflective that is often an indicator that you have the conscience and empathy that our abusers did not have. We may have fleas. We may have messy trauma reactions but we also have conscience and empathy and we reflect on our behaviour and work on recovery.

You may be having trauma reactions or fleas and that's okay because you are seeking therapy and support and you will get better with time.

I look back on my behaviour and cringe about it too. Currently I continually reflect on myself and how I can improve. I think this is a good thing and should be done until we die. We are human and there is no perfection here. But if you are seeking therapy and taking a good look at your life, i am proud of you. You are not like your mother and that's progress in breaking the cycle.

Thank you, I think I really needed to hear that. I'm trying to get better and I know that is a lot more than my former self did. I am really glad I have a place to talk this out with people who understand.

treesgrowslowly · November 25, 2020, 07:25:22 PM

I second what Hepatica wrote too.

One of the many many sign posts along the way for me in my work to get Out of the FOG happened a while back.

It was when I completely 100% realized that NPD mother was who she was and I am not going to become like her. This took a while. There was a lot of wondering and considering on my part as to whether my traits were like hers. Everyone has anger at times. Every one feels cranky and self absorbed sometimes. Everyone feels awkward or socially inept sometimes.

But as the child of a PD parent, some part of me was confused. I see that in hindsight. At the time I worried like you are worrying. It was confusing for quite a while actually. Where did my inherited traits begin and end?

Therapy can really help with this process. Not just directly talking about it in therapy but also the whole experience of being in therapy I think made it more and more obvious to me how I am me and she is who she is. In therapy we work to grow and our PD parents didn't do that.

Totally agreed on the idea of fleas too. You look back on your younger self with fresh eyes as you get older and one of the things you see is that there were a lot of dynamics going on that you've outgrown.

Trees

IRedW77 · December 04, 2020, 06:54:50 PM

I'm literally like 3 days into my process with all of this. I've been seeing a therapist since January and they've diagnosed another unrelated mental health issue. We just got to the point of talking about my BPD parent and they said "I can't make an official diagnosis of your parent, but it really sounds like they have BPD." They said I should read about it and I have. I've also gotten brave enough to ask my other parent to fill in some of the gaps in my memory for me. Based on my memory, things my parent did before I was born, and what I remember parts of and now know all of they're 100% BPD. It's a huge revelation for me.

One of my first fears while reading was the same as yours. I just reassured myself that if my therapist could essentially diagnose my parent based on my stories then they would have diagnosed me with BPD months ago if I had it myself.

sandpiper · December 13, 2020, 02:26:25 PM

I had the same fear, 35 years ago and that's what drove me into T.
I know I keep quoting it but there's a line from the Smallville series about Lex Luthor which, to paraphrase, says that the path to darkness isn't a light switch, it's a journey. And step by step, if you shift your trajectory, over time and distance as you travel, you will end up in a very different place.
I began my career in education & then changed to health so I will echo what the others have said about what you are reading, you think 'OMG that sounds like me'. You can imagine the neurosis you develop when you have to cram for an exam about disease states and then mental health stuff gets added to it.
The thing to remember about PDs is that they exist on a spectrum. It's not black or white and as their children, of course we are going to end up developing behaviours in reaction to what we've experienced.
It's about recovery.
I've recovered from complex PTSD & I found there was a lot of crossover between that and the undiagnosed BPD that exists in my family. I've often wondered if untreated C-PTSD in children can develop into a personality disorder. The main difference between me and less functional family members seems to be that I'm the one that went to therapy and they are the ones who decided to sit and blame everyone else for their problems, adopt unhealthy lifestyles, make bad choices and refuse to work on insight and growth, and they've cruised along in the company of people who won't challenge them when they are making questionable choices. A lot of enablers around the PDs.
Growth is painful but if you set yourself the task of working at it, you will do a lot better than if you throw your hands up in the air and give up.
FWIW I think that a lot of PD behaviour is simply learned and acquired and much of it is a reaction to intergenerational trauma. It can be undone. It involves developing insight and learning healthy boundaries and healthy communication skills. It's about developing parts of your psyche that have gone under-nourished and under-developed. It takes time and beating yourself up doesn't help.
My advice would be to read the forums here, pace yourself, and set yourself some goals for recovery. And accept that there isn't a finish line. It's a lifelong process. I'm glad that I started my efforts to create change as such a young adult as I'm sure it's changed the course that my life would have taken without that.
One of the books that really helped me was 'Change your thinking' by Sarah Edelman. Worth getting it in hard copy. It's a book about cognitive behavioural therapy and it will help you to understand a lot of the processes that we get caught up in with negative patterns of thinking. CBT isn't the be-all and end-all but this book really allowed me to see some of the bad habits that I'd picked up from growing up inside disordered FOO and it gave me some skills to sit back, breathe, count to ten and respond to situations instead of reacting.
I think I'm doing pretty well for where I am but even so, there are times when I will be around personalities who trigger me and who press all my hot buttons and at times like that, I've learned that I just have to step back, dial it down, put myself into healthier situations, and walk away for a bit. That in itself is a skill that none of our PDs will use because being PD is all about creating drama, not defusing it.
I've learned so much over the years from the wonderful wisdom of the Hive Mind at these boards.
Be kind to yourself.
The motivation NOT to turn into them is what propelled me into therapy and what made me persevere through my recovery. I think that I could have easily turned out PD. The only thing that stood between me and that was my determination to recover. And I think that the only reason the PDs in my family are still disordered is because they've refused to step up and do the hard work that is necessary to heal.
You'll be OK.

Oh, and take a look at the Pete Walker therapy website. I had his flashback management techniques on the fridge while my symptoms were at their most acute, to remind me how to manage. The section on shrinking your inner critic was incredibly helpful.
http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

DancingStar · December 14, 2020, 03:46:48 AM

I have this fear too and it's made worse because my mother keeps saying things along the lines of "you and I are so much alike" and "I see so much of myself in you". She really wants me to be a clone of her, not my own person.

One consequence is that I do things deliberately not to be like her, even to the point of damaging myself. For example she uses illness as a form of control and emotional blackmail and I'm so conscious of that and not wanting to be the same that it has made me into a person who won't admit illness or pain and who will struggle on never asking for help.