Just need to vent...

[Matteblak]

I just got an hour long dose of criticism and projection... Just needed to say that to somebody who might understand. Grateful for Out of the FOG.

[notrightinthehead]

It was such a relief for me when I learned to walk away from such beratings.

[Matteblak]

Unfortunately she is VERY aggressive (mildly violent 1-2 times) and pursues and escalates if I walk away. We have a 9 year old and I don't want him to have to hear things at their worst. Prayer and reminding myself not to JADE helps but I just want to hit the fast forward button...we both know where the lecture is going, it would be nice to get there faster and get on with ANYTHING else (e.g. hitting thumb with a hammer, stubbing toe, pulling out nose hair...)

[SparkStillLit]

I don't know how you feel about this, esp with kids in the house, but I put a stop to "mild violence" (pre children) by calling the police. I was sick of it, and afraid of where it was going.
You Cannot. Do. Anything. or they will charge and take you both. No "defending yourself" or anything. And also, sucks to say, but I don't know how biased they will be with you being male and such. She might be able to blame you and they will buy it.

What about grabbing the kid and hopping in the car? If it's some whack hour, what about putting yourself behind a locked door? I was afraid to protect myself, too. They condition us to be so. You don't have to be. She can't do anything to you in the car. If she goes crazy in front of a locked door, you can call 911 and have evidence of what she is doing.  At some point, ramping up the abuse crosses the actual law. It feels like they can do whatever the hell they want, but they really can't. I mean, they CAN, but not without consequence. You don't even have to put up with one minute of nonsense if you don't feel like it. You can make up a consequence.

I still hear it about the police, btw. 20 yrs later. TS. I'm not the one who chose to behave like that.

[1footouttadefog]

In my state of the ramp up abuse in front of a minor they get two assault charges.

Locked door indeed, or leave house with child.

[Matteblak]

I do have the usual concerns about not being believed. Plus her family has been fed years of stories about how horrible I am. And she says I want to elbowed her I left a bruise about six or seven years ago, though I have no recollection of this, and it's probably gaslighting, I don't know how that statement would be received.
It's weird, before you know what you're dealing with, you make all kinds of stupid mistakes based on the idea that you were dealing with a normal human being... I think back on all the things I would've done differently or not done at all if I had only known that this was a PD
I imagine I'm not the only person on this board who second guesses things. Thank you guys again for listening.

[Matteblak]

Really rough night last night. Was told that I am an arrogant, smug, lowlife, piece of s*&T, and that if she had it all to do over again, she never would have married me. Not identifying with what she said, just really tired of it. Tired of sleeping on the couch. Tired of crying. Tired of hoping. Tired of being "wrong," being "stupid..." Tired of walking on eggshells.

Last night she asked why I don't look at her as she berates be. I told her it's because she just scowls at me and I can do without that. This morning she says she scowls because she is getting older and now I have to get her BOTOX. Yay for me!

The lows are not as low as I work through my codependency and stop internalizing things, but the fatigue remains. The "lying to everyone I meet about how I'm doing" remains. The "refusal to do things I enjoy that will set her" off remains, even though I know she will get set off anyway (this is the next step for me to take). Today is just a day I need a hug.

Thank you to everyone who has been so helpful to me since I found Out of the FOG. Though days like this happen, you are all a source of encouragement and support. In addition to not wanting to let ME down, I want my frustrated endurance to be an encouragement to you as well. That we can build one another up.

[losingmyself]

Matteblak, here's a hug
My, and I'm sure all of our hearts are breaking for you. I hope you find a way out of this with your son, soon.

[SparkStillLit]

  here's another hug. We are with you in your journey. The next step, doing the things YOU want, is a great feeling. Start out very tiny, at least that's what I did, and before you know it, you will have the gumption to buy a kayak and take yourself out ALONE in the bright early morning and ohhhhhh myyyyy wooorrdddd.
Ok maybe not now, I don't want to be wet and freeze my bazingers off, but I do other stuff. It's amaaaaaazing.

[blew]

"Last night she asked why I don't look at her as she berates be."

Boy, this hit a note with me.  I've gotten that for years and years.  It must be a power thing of some sort, that they can MAKE YOU LOOK AT THEM.  It is of course demeaning and cruel and hurtful, but WTF, that's not a thought that ever passes between their ears.  And of course, days and days of blathering can go on when I almost never look at her (she doesn't need the encouragement to vent endlessly) but she she wants to tear into me, I'd better stare into her eyes.

Good luck. We all need it!

[IcedCoffee]

"Last night she asked why I don't look at her as she berates be."

Boy, this hit a note with me.  I've gotten that for years and years.  It must be a power thing of some sort, that they can MAKE YOU LOOK AT THEM.  It is of course demeaning and cruel and hurtful, but WTF, that's not a thought that ever passes between their ears.  And of course, days and days of blathering can go on when I almost never look at her (she doesn't need the encouragement to vent endlessly) but she she wants to tear into me, I'd better stare into her eyes.

Good luck. We all need it!

BPDs are very good at seeing things in people's faces...and I do mean "seeing things," as in they give the worst possible interpretation to every facial expression or twitch. She's lived with my resting bitch face for decades, it's just time and gravity having a laugh at my expense. So for several months I've been consciously giving a small smile when "we" talk, an occasional tilt of the head or a nod. And it seems to work.

I sometimes think of my uBPDw as being like a beautiful wild animal. She roams around the house, making a mess, growling occasionally for no reason, sometimes lashing out with her claws, and even though you still love her (she was sooooooooo cute as a baby tiger/wolf/...) you know that there's nothing going on inside her head that is like love, or even remotely like your reality.

[SparkStillLit]

Inventing reasons for my facial expressions....check. I really do have RBF, have my whole life, but now....OHHHH NOW. Dare I not smile, or look like, well, anything. Scrutinizing my face carefully in every situation, even THAT one, to check for the "proper" expression. And RBF is certainly not it!

[blunk]

They really do "see something" in our expressions. I was frequently accused of rolling my eyes at him, and I know that I did not as it was during a time when I was MCing and purposely keeping my words, tone , and facial expressions completely neutral...and I knew enough to turn away from him when the urge to roll my eyes inevitably became more than I could bear.

However, there were other times when I spoke and I could hear my own voice quiver because I was on the verge of tears. Then when I talked to him later in the day, and said that I was upset by xyz that he said, he would respond with well how am I supposed to know that.

And if I commented something like, I'm sorry you're angry...after he just finished yelling at me, I would get a response like, don't tell me what I'm feeling you can't read my mind. Yet he would frequently tell me what I was feeling and/or what were the "true" motivations behind my actions.

So frustrating...sorry if I got too far off topic here, sometimes the thoughts just start flowing.

[1footouttadefog]

A sad day of victory, along with a sense of grief is when you stand there and look back calm and at ease and say,

Wow, it doesnt even hurt, I guess I now care that little what you think or say about me.