Grateful for this category

[Matteblak]

I was so glad to see that there was a specific heading for religious issues. Most people will tell you when you live with someone with a PD to leave them or to threaten to leave them. After deciding that I must be insane, I reached out to a Christian counselor (licensed, masters level) with a couple of conditions. I would meet with him as long as he didn't encourage divorce (unless of course one of the biblical criteria was met) and that I wasn't looking for medication for myself. He has been great to deal with and has kept me clearly focused on the Scriptures throughout my eight months of both individual and couples counseling. He has challenged my uNPD wife on meeting her responsibilities as a spouse, not just complaining about my inability to fulfill all of her needs (which is of course an impossibility). He has let me know that it is quite possible that her behavior may never change, and pointed me toward God's faithfulness throughout the Scriptures in dealing with seemingly impossible circumstances with love and grace and patience and hope. I have had days where the reality of this almost crushed me, and yet my Savior has been so kind to me and show me so much about myself and his love for me. This is the hardest thing that I've ever been through in my whole life, and apart from Christ, I am positive I would've left Or done something far worse by now. To see other believers on a forum like this it's such a wonderful encouragement and a reminder that yes, God does use difficult people to challenge us and grow us, to prepare us to serve others...and that we may never understand fully all that he is doing until we join him in heaven. I pray thankfully and often for Out of the FOG.

[Andeza]

I was happy to see this section as well. It's challenged me to look at the world a little differently. Much love to you, thanks for the prayers, and sending some your way as well.

[Mary]

Thanks for your description of how to approached your counselor--that you did not want to be pushed into divorce, and you were not seeking medication for yourself. I am seriously considering a licensed counselor, but I know that in order for insurance to pay, you have to have a diagnosis. Should my husband make good on his occasional threats to file for divorce, that's the last thing I need. However, having someone to guide me through a safety plan and setting boundaries would be helpful I know.

I agree that this forum is invaluable. I often find folks on this forum who understand exactly what I am facing and have challenged me and guided me in truly important ways. Our prayers for eachother will help us heal.

[Cascade]

You may also want to check out the Committed to working on it category, for those who are planning on or at least hoping to stay married.

[Free2Bme]

Hello Matteblak,

It is good you have found a Christian counselor,  I hope he will be able to provide you and your wife with guidance as you navigate this difficult time you are in.  I found particular encouragement in 1 & 2 Peter, it sustained me through very deep waters.

- Strength and peace to you

[Matteblak]

Agreed on 1 Peter 3. In couples session he brought up 3:1-7 but she only heard 3:7. In next solo session we talked about 3:13-17. He said it may be like this and never change. Today was a rough day. She filmed herself rebuking me and telling me to repent to her for my pride and arrogance in not apologizing for hurting her. Romans 12:18 is hard in a marriage with uPD...

[SparkStillLit]

They twist those things to suit themselves, and forget about the rest of it. IMO that isn't being a Christian at ALL. You don't just pick out the bits that suit you as weapons to fling at someone else.
That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works! 😁

[Mary]

Agreed SSL. "Their intention is to look good, not be good" (Vernick, The emotionally Destructive Relationship, p. 109).

On Romans 12:18, sometimes I tell God that I really need for him to intervene because I just don't know what else I can do to live peacably while holding to my boundaries. And He comes through for me in truly unexpected ways. 

Thank you Lord. I'm not strong enough, but You are.

[Matteblak]

What makes this hard is that I know I sin, regularly, and I don't handle situations as I should, I react at times...even when I promise myself I will remain silent. Also, in the midst of her tirades are truths that I need to hear, and I listen knowing that god works ALL things for good and that this can be a part of my sanctification. The problem arises when she says I need to repent to her for motives she believes I have, rather than for actions and behaviors. She believes she knows people's intentions (mine included) and that this is a gift from God. While I will apologize for my specific offenses, I am reluctant to admit to intentions that I don't believe I had based solely on her "God given" attributions. This leads to continual rebuke, etc... She says I need accountability to her; I use our counseling sessions for that. She tells him things that I have done and then he and I discuss them in individual sessions. Most times, he tells me that I am handling things rightly, though the outcomes end up miserable at times. He does challenge me to see things that I might not have, or to view a situation differently, and to remember that she is sick and deserves compassion and understanding. I must confess, lately my resolve to stay has been waning. Not that I will leave, but I cannot say that in my heart I am fully committed any more. I know this is sin, even though I am not acting on the thought. It's just hard. Thank you to all who have responded. Please pray for me.

[tragedy or hope]

Matteblak,
We all have bad days in which we want to leave or give up. You have faith and that is your source to hold on.

Sometimes I can't believe what the Lord expects of me in the midst of the insanity I sometimes have to deal with. I have decided to have compassion I have to wake up each day reminding myself that I am living with mental illness aka another persons sinful nature, who is unwilling to see it or repent. I can then act as I need.

My hardest challenge is to please God first, instead of trying to avoid a painful situation. I have to remember that only certain things can be tolerated by by spouse, he is not well and I am not his Holy Spirit. He has chosen his confused path. He chooses his particular bents to sin. I cannot change that, but I can learn to protect myself from the harm.

At times he is very lovable. I don't believe anyone is totally one thing. I am not stupid, and I would not have married him.

When he exhibits his nature in a negative way, I am responsible for me, not him. Remember Satan is our accuser. When we are being accused by a person they are not motivate by God. Why would I stand there and take it... I am forgiven by grace through faith. So... I do wrong too, and I must make it right, in the right time and place so as not to give power to someone who is in their sin over me.

Good for you for pleasing God first and believing His word is true. Life is difficult for people who are not married too. There is always a new problem.

We were promised peace with God and life everlasting. Happiness can be fleeting. The real joy is in the reward of doing what you know to be right. Blessings!
Thanks for coming here and standing on your faith in God's word.

Remember, in many countries, marriages are arranged and people stay together for a lifetime. In this country, we have been conditioned to think everything is about "me."

[Matteblak]

Thank you, "tragedy or hope"

[Free2Bme]

-Marriage involves mutual submission, one does not rule/dominate another. 

-IMO, a spouse is not required by God to submit to their spouse's sin, ie., raging/abusing toward spouse, children, etc.

-I am responsible for ONE heart, I am not another person's Holy Spirit. I cannot require/demand someone to "repent".

-No person can "know the intentions of others", this is mind reading and on the list of unhealthy/destructive communications.

-There is something to be said about ,   "...love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."  My pdH demonstrated everything antithetical to this, and then demanded that I "repent" for asking him to stop his abusive behavior.

[SparkStillLit]

These other folks say it way better than me.
I am not God, I imagine only God knows what other people are thinking. I would never presume to imagine what God might be thinking, therefore I try not to imagine that I know what others think.
I sin, I'm human, everybody sins. That's between myself and God. If someone wants to extend forgiveness to me and me to them, that's our Grace, but I will not demand it of others; it isn't mine to demand. Nor is it theirs. It's God's. Give it over in His hands. You can't demand that others walk in the light. They will if they choose, it isn't up to some humans.
YOU can choose, for yourself. Demanding and yelling and arguing about it with others isn't Godly.

[Matteblak]

Thank you "free 2 be me" and "sparks still lit." It is so hard to see what's "wrong" when you're in the vortex/fog. Again, I am so grateful that God led me to Out of the FOG where others can see and express more clearly what I'm struggling to wrap my fingers around. Bless you both for your help and encouragement.

[Mary]

Job's story has been helpful to me. His accusing friends and spouse had it all wrong. Yet he still had his own issues before the Lord.I believe God is making something beautiful in us as we work through these things.