Is it me or is it them?

[alittlelate]

Been in a relationship with my partner for around 4 years. Things were great off the bat, I felt like we were both good to each other and wanted the same things out of life. We had a great time together.

About a year in, we moved in together, things were relatively normal, but I'd say their temper was more explosive than I was used to, small things would really tip them off into yelling and seeming really emotionally dysregulated, like they don't have control over themselves. Learned they have a ton of childhood neglect, abuse, and exposure to DV, I have a history of childhood emotional abuse and sexual trauma as well.

And then about a year and a half in, they had their first big blowup. They got black out drunk and threatened to hurt our pets, tried to lock me out in the middle of the night, threatened to crash my car.. I was completely stunned. Some of the things said were so hurtful and this experience seemed to come out of nowhere. The next morning, the excuse was being blacked out drunk, I'll never do it again. Went to therapy briefly and stopped drinking for a while. Saw a few therapists and was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and at one time, OCPD.

Since this event, and the few similar explosions that followed (seems like they happen every 9 months, alcohol is usually involved), I find myself having huge resentment welling up towards them. I find myself being dismissive and critical of my partner. I'm annoyed by their presence. I am hurt and I can see myself taking it out on them emotionally. I know I am not the best person I can be when I'm with them. I feel like I'm always on edge, waiting for the next blowup.

Any time other than the blow ups, he's sweet, caring, present. He doesn't really work (I support us), but he does a lot of the housework and takes care of me, brings me coffee every morning, etc. Personality wise, he's a bit much - much more extroverted than me, so getting space from him is a challenge. He really relies on me for support and almost entertainment? He says he feels like he doesn't have a self when he's alone and finds himself just waiting around for me. I feel like my boundaries and needs for space and alone time are often not respected and it can set me off, I'll snap at him when I feel like he won't stop trying to engage with me while I'm doing something, like work or reading.

Recently, we had an argument where my partner said that I'm "a monster" and his blowups are a result of my constant criticism and resentment. I find myself defensive in our arguments, I see the critical statements I make towards him, I know I push him away and can be cold and distance. Since the first blowup, I know I have I struggled to give him affection. And since this fight Ive found myself wondering - is it me? Am I pushing him to do this? Is there something in my behavior that's causing this? Am I the problem? How can I tell? The next morning he woke up and told me that he thinks he has BPD. Tells me he wants to stay together and he didn't mean what he said.

I'm reaching out because I'm wondering if there's any sort of way to determine that I'm not the one with a personality disorder.  I'm terrified I'm abusive.

[sad_dog_mommy]

Welcome!    You found the right place for all the answers to your questions.    I thank my lucky star for the day I found this support website.  The members of this support forum know exactly what you are going through because you will find all of our stories and experiences with a partner/spouse are very similar.   I read as many posts as I could and was relieved to find out I wasn't alone! 

My exbf was diagnosed with BPD but at the time I didn't know what that meant.   I figured it was something that could be treated with medication.  (It can't).   There are a lot of resources here such as the Toolbox to help you understand that most likely it is HIM, not you with a personality disorder.  Scroll up to the top of this page for a lot of information.

One of the things that helped me most as I made my way "Out of the FOG" was keeping a journal.    Writing down all my thoughts helped to clear my head and it gave me a way to look back at how I felt about during one of my exbf's "flare-ups".    My ex had no boundaries so I had to hide my journal at my office so he couldn't find it/read it.   

I am sorry you are going through this but I am glad you found this website.   

((( hug )))

[1footouttadefog]

I was once where you are as desceibed in your post.  Doubting myself, wanting to own my part of things etc etc.

I found this site a and read the tool box section.  There is a lost of 100 traits. I orinted it out.  I marked wjst I did and wuat he did and if it was habitual or occasional.  I then marked in mine if it was only in response to other abuse ir not.

I found over half were things he did habitually or more often that occasionally.  I did a couple habitually and a couple or few occasionally and several only in response to abuse.

I owned my part of this and wejt to work getting mine out of the mix.  Then i would know I had done my all if the relstionship failed.

It has, I am still here for practical reasons to raise my kids.

I hope the list cam bring you as much clarity about yourself and your relationship as it did mine. 

[JustKeepTrying]

I left a 32 year marriage and in the beginning it sounded just like your relationship.  I suspected but Ihad no exposure to PD or traits or even mental illness.  I thought it was me.  For decades I blamed his childhood, my sexual trauma, the economy, my son's autism, my cancer and on and on.  In the end I realized that he does have control and rational thought over his behavior.  He made a choice and that changed it all for me.

Find a therapist that is familiar with these disorders as well as PTSD.  Use the toolbox here it is very helpful. 

You are not alone.  Remember that.  There is neighborhood here and we are all lifting you up.

[confused-and-sad]

I know your post was recent but I was wondering if you have reached any conclusions from your post or if you'd be interested in talking more? I am in a similar situation myself. I've been involved with a significant other (whom I'm currently trying to take a break with) for about a year an a half. We met at work and were both social workers - things moved pretty quickly and he moved in with me within several months. Things seemed to be going well - we got along well, want similar things, have similar values, are in the same field etc. We spent a lot of our weekends drinking and when intoxicated - he could get pretty nasty. We both have a very significant history of trauma and when he would get nasty it was pretty easy for me to shut off emotionally and get cold.

About two months ago - we were out drinking and he got extremely intoxicated and pushed me to the floor. The police ended up being called and he was taken to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. He has a history of substance abuse and had vowed to never drink again and has also begun therapy in which he has fully admitted to his insecurities and being wrong.

Like you described, at any other time he is the sweetest man I have met. He is kind, empathetic, caring, patient. He is also like you described your partner, a bit much. He is very energetic - always wants to be around me and talking to me and often is not receptive to my request for space. When we were together, if I made other plans with a friend or family I too felt like he would sit around and wait for me to return and that I was responsible for finding him something to do and entertaining him.

He wants to work it out as well but I fear too at sometimes that it could be me? If I am to blame as well because I can shut off quickly.