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[lizzylou]

I have followed this site for over a year and found it so helpful. Now being brave and saying hello. I find it very hard to talk about myself. My mother is NPD/BPD not sure which. My father is her enabler, and covert N. My childhood was completely dysfunctional - middleclass perfect on the outside, but behind closed doors terrifying, violent fights. My mother's moods and rages ruled us. She did me tremendous harm. I have been in therapy for three years, and see things clearly now. It is very painful. I recently confronted my parents about the violence in my childhood and they completely, furiously, denied it. They  have cut me off, blaming me, saying my therapist has brainwashed me. The difficulty for me is that they were such doting grandparents when my children were small - I believed the were making amends. I so wanted them to love me that I went along with the happy grandparent act. I now see it as gaslighting. Who would believe how cruel they were to me when they are so loving to my children?

[Thru the Rain]

Hi lizzylou - I "lurked" here for awhile before my first post too.

And like you, I'm not sure if my uPDM leans more toward covert N traits or borderline personality traits. For me I finally just settled on recognizing the traits that caused me harm or problems - where they came from didn't matter as much for me.

Who would believe how cruel they were to me when they are so loving to my children?

I believe you.

I watched my own uPD M treat my nieces and nephews (her grandchildren) very well. On the other hand, as those same children turned into teenagers and young adults, my M isn't all that interested in the individuals they became. And then she turned back into the mean, passive-aggressive M from my own childhood. I have a theory that my M is emotionally stuck at 12 years old, and as her children and later her grandchildren grew beyond that age, my M lost any ability to interact in a normal and rational way. You may want to keep an eye on your M's interactions with your children as they grow up past the pliable, young child age.

[notrightinthehead]

None of my friends, not even my cousin, believed my what a changed person my mother was, when nobody was around. How she abused us, physically, emotionally, verbally. The people in our apartment block must have known, the screaming, the crying but they pretended not to know. My friends thought I had such a understanding and cool mother and she was - to others. She could switch from terrifying yeller to sweet lady with the ringing of the doorbell.
So, I know what you are talking about. People on this forum do. People with a normal upbringing don't really want to know that this kind of abuse exists, it is too painful for them I think. They want to believe in happy childhoods and loving parents.

[lizzylou]

Thru the Rain, that is exactly the experience I have had with my mother. She was a doting grandma when my boys were small.  I thought she was making amends for the cruelty she put me through when I was a child. Then she picked her favourite, and got obsessed with him, in a really inappropriate way. My sons are in their twenties now, and thankfully see her for what she is. But it has been painful, and I regret trusting her and letting her into our lives. Such was my need to believe that she loved me. Notrightinthehead, my mother can switch in an instant too. She terrorised me when I was young, then made out that she loved me. I grew up really confused. I am still terrified of her, but I also struggle with guilt. Thank you for the welcome.

[Free2Bme]

Hi lizzylou,

Welcome 
I am sorry for the pain and confusion you are dealing with.  I understand the difficulty of not wanting to deprive children of a loving grandparent.  My children are almost all grown now, and I am dealing with what you and others are.  Everyone thinks M is wonderful, and I am the problem. 

You are not alone.  Others here have similar stories that when shared can take the edge off, this helps move us toward healing.