Gray Rock and Sense of Self

[Lauren17]

I've finally found a good T that I feel can help me.
When I described a situation with uBPDh  and she asked how I responded, I explained my gray rock response. (Although I didn't use that term.)
The first thing she said to me is that not responding to H's actions eventually  lead to a loss of self.
Then I found this article.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201911/the-price-and-payoff-gray-rock-strategy
Thoughts? Experiences?

[Thru the Rain]

In reading the article this jumped out at me: "Be forewarned that if you want more attention and love from a narcissist, this tactic will drive them away."

I think the author likely has NO personal experience with narcissists. I believe a more true statement would be "If you want more attention and love from a narcissist - you're out of luck."

I don't think any of us practice gray rock with the intention of increased attention from a narcissist. I think the author misses the point entirely.

[Boat Babe]

Yeah, I find the article rings true for me.

Grey rock is a useful tool for some inescapable encounters with PDs. (Xmas with relatives, co-parenting contact, annoying co-worker etc) However, I wouldn't want to be in that mode for long periods of time. It really is no way to live.  Sending hugs.

[Boat Babe]

In reading the article this jumped out at me: "Be forewarned that if you want more attention and love from a narcissist, this tactic will drive them away."

I think the author likely has NO personal experience with narcissists. I believe a more true statement would be "If you want more attention and love from a narcissist - you're out of luck."

I don't think any of us practice gray rock with the intention of increased attention from a narcissist. I think the author misses the point entirely.

I missed that entirely.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Learning about Grey Rock and Medium Chill, it has been my impression that Grey Rock is a tool meant for when you interact only occasionally with a PD while Medium Chill is for more frequent or even daily use.

[notrightinthehead]

I found this a surprisingly good article and my own experience confirms that by withholding supply people with narcissim leave or discard you. The danger of loosing yourself comes from living with a person with a personality disorder, not from the strategies one employs to protect oneself. As the author states, the better option is to break up, not to suppress one's own feelings and healthy responses. We all have to pay a price for the entertainment, emotional rollercoaster,  and drama living with a person with PD provides.

[Hopeful Spine]

That was an interesting read - thanks for sharing.

I have learned that my best option for dealing with specific in-laws is to "grey rock".  This works especially well with "one on one" encounters or brief outings in smaller settings.  Learning to do this has helped me gain confidence, and assurance that I'm control.  When leaving those family members I find myself recharged, proud and then of course relieved that I escaped unscathed.

It's far more difficult in the larger setting.  Grey rocking one person and being my usual chatty, vibrant self to another feels fake, wrong and unkind.  After all, not everyone is affected by these in-laws.  The in-laws that treat me poorly are super friendly and nice to most everyone else.  Most of the family is playing the game and they are all good at it.  So for me to be quiet, almost rude to the person on my left and then turn my head and be friendly to the person on my right - it looks bad.  Feels bad.

My solution to this situation is to low key grey rock everyone.  Still engage with the people I want to - but at a much lower level.  Which is hard to do for hours on end.  At the party I simply seem like I'm quiet or maybe tired.  But inside I'm struggling and when I leave - I feel defeated, unloved, cold, mean.  I find myself becoming depressed when the holidays roll around.  I stress before parties and gatherings, wondering if I'll be able to sit somewhere good and maybe get to loosen up a bit.  I anticipate the vital grey rock moments and miss the kindness that I know exists in the other people in attendance.  These feelings creep into my workday, my marriage.  Because I'm preparing for the temporary transformation I will need to do.

I'm not strong enough to be full scale ME with the difficult people.  They always get me, zing me, take me down a notch.  I feel like an idiot, or say the most stupid things.  I know I haven't found the right balance for dealing with in-laws.  I relate to this article, which illustrates some of the perils of grey rocking.

[DetachedAndEngaged]

Thanks for the article.

I learned Grey Rock/Medium Chill as a kid without knowing what it was to deal with my uNPD father and enabling mom. It was a fine coping mechanism and not nearly as destructive as the sorts of acting out many of my youthful peers engaged in.

But, it definitely was not something I could handle forever. My life improved immensely once I left home to go to college. It got even better once I graduated and had full financial independence.

I wouldn't be happy in a marriage where I had to maintain that sort of detachment continually with my partner.

I've dated two BPD women and I can't even begin to imagine how that could have lasted long-term.

The many years of Medium Chill made me far more tolerant of abuse than was healthy. It has been a long process of learning not to be so forgiving and "understanding" (i.e. making excuses for and tolerating pathological people). It is a fine skill to have available in acute situations, but I agree with your T that it is self-destructive as a continual, long-term strategy. Any relationship that demands that as a matter of course can't be healthy.

[Starboard Song]

In reading the article this jumped out at me: "Be forewarned that if you want more attention and love from a narcissist, this tactic will drive them away."

I don't think any of us practice gray rock with the intention of increased attention from a narcissist. I think the author misses the point entirely.

I understand your concern: a severe narcissist may be beyond help, and their victim should know that and accept it. Fortunately, the author knows why we use grey rock: "Using the Gray Rock method, your objective is to make someone lose interest in you."

The quote you identified is directed to those who are committed to working on it. The author isn't asserting that anyone uses grey rock in order to obtain attention and love: he is saying that grey rock is anathema to that goal.

PDs come in all sorts of severities: they are not binary conditions. Some are mild. And many people can, through strong boundaries, great discipline, and tactical use of grey rock, improve the condition of their relationship. They can obtain a little more positive attention and love, even from a narcissist. We have an entire board dedicated to such folks. And such people need to understand that grey rock, in its most extreme form, is hostile to their goal of a better relationship, and should only be used tactically, when their SO is acting out.

Folks who are dealing with extreme, persistent behaviors need to get the bad news, of course, that no tactic may ever get them the positive attention and love that they deserve. I am glad, though, that the author of this pop science article didn't portray PDs as always extreme, permanent, and binary. In a world where clinical diagnoses are rare, that would be likely to do more harm than good.

[Andeza]

I lived and breathed gray rock for many years growing up with uBPDm. Probably started around ten and kept going into my twenties. Somewhere along the way, I did lose myself. Still working on figuring out the real me, and I've made progress in the last couple of years. Every now and again I am totally blindsided by my own emotional response to something and have to figure out what the heck is going on. There's usually a link to my past exacerbating my emotional state. Sometimes it just takes a great deal of digging to uncover whatever that link is.

I felt the article was hit and miss. Good on some points, but I disagreed on others. I feel it was accurate about losing our sense of self though. At least, personally it rang true.

[Lauren17]

Thank you, all, for your thoughtful response and for sharing your experiences.
I guess I think of MC as a GR-lite. I still chat with H, but I don't share feelings or anything personal. The big thing is that I try not to respond at all to his covert attacks. That's the GR part in my head. And the part that's causing me to lose self.
If I did counter every negative behavior of his, our house would be a constant battleground. I don't have the emotional reserves for that.
Hopeful, your description of GR the in laws is exactly how I felt the first time it tried it. It seemed deep down rude to not engage MIL at all, but still chat with others. I posted here the first time I tried it. It does help in that situation tho.

[Latchkey]

Hey Lauren17,
I've used grey rock as a technique for flying under the PD radar for many years on and off in different situations. It is a safety mechanism for many. I don't see it as a state of mind, but an outward way of coping to protect your inner self which you need to heal.
Latchkey