Shit is doth hitting the proverbial fan

[Seven]

Last I left off Bro5 had a brain tumor removed and at the same time 90yo uNPDm forgets to take her miralax and hasn't pooped in 1.5 weeks.  Sis2 comes up from sunny state in emergent fashion and moves her down there, while Bro6 and I deal with Bro5.   This all happened latter part of October.

Well, uNPDm is done with Sis2.  Sis2 has literally put her life on hold, bent over backwards, has done more for her than any of us (nail salon, dinners out, etc) and all uNPDm does is complain to the Bros that Sis2 is yelling at her and making her eat (god forbid she eats, right?).  Sis2 overheard this conversation between uNPDm and Bro5 and put Sis2 in tears.  This was a couple days ago.  The decision was made to get full-time companion care because Sis2, although working from home, cannot concentrate on her job. Evidently uNPDm has said some horribly nastiness to Sis2, of which I did not get the whole scoop about.  Bro6 keeps trying to say not to take personally, that she's not in her right mind.  I piped up and said, wrong, this is exactly what she's always wanted to say, the mask has slipped, the filter is gone, and what comes out is the truth. Sis2 she said she was afraid I was right.  The 63yo self-sufficient woman was brought to tears.  vile words.  Narcissistic rage, I just don't know exactly what was said.

Anyway, This morning uNPDm announces she is moving out and wants to pack her stuff.  Sitting in her chair in her room, refuses to eat, drink, or take meds.  Coat on and ready to leave. Asked Bro6 to fly down there and come get her. He said he can't do that.   A CNA has come in to do p/t today. Still refuses to do anything.  Sis2 was given the name of a geriatric neuropsychologist and I told her she needs to make that phone call ASAP.  She did but the office is closed on fridays so she had to leave a message.  From what I can tell through the messenger chats is that uNPDm is refusing even when the cna asks her to eat and take her meds.  I told Sis2 that she needs to have the cna tell her superior and have the neuropsych eval expedited. 

A "zoom" meeting scheduled for 8pm tonight.

[SunnyMeadow]

I like your subject line Seven. Honestly these PD parents are the worst!

If I was Sis2, I'd be thrilled uNPDm wants to move out. Good riddance lady. But in case that's not in the cards a neuropsych eval is hopefully a good first step. I feel for your family, what a predicament.

[Seven]

Sis2 just called me.  She wants her out ASAP!  uNPDm is going around telling lies again to anyone who will listen. She pretty much spews hate on my sister. I feel for her and I told her so.

There's been banshee screaming, maniacal laughs, stuff that is so disturbing that it's almost unbelievable.

Years ago Sis2 got offend that uNPDm choose Sis4 to go live with instead of her(in my post history) I told her then that "you don't want this". That she wouldn't get the validation she was looking for for decades. And now she realizes that I was right.

I did send her multiple links to narc pages (ie harpy's child, daughters of narc mothers, Luke ministries, etc). Hopefully she'll read them.

[Andeza]

What light through yonder window breaks? Tis the rage of a wild narc on the warpath, destroying everything and everybody in her path. As WI always put it, the freak flag is flying high now. Seven I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this crap. Especially now, at the holidays, when everything ought to be happy and joyful, and instead you've all got this albatross hanging around your necks yelling ya'll don't do enough. Sheesh. Seven kids and she's putting most of ya'll through hell. How does one person inflict this much suffering on others? I swear it's an artform of some sort of hellish proportions.

Make sure you take time to take care of yourself, take a break, get some breathing room and distance, let your body chill out. This has got to be winding you up at least a little bit, and goodness knows none of us need this kind of stress in our lives. Much love to you as this transition (hopefully to a proper care facility, fingers crossed) happens.

[Seven]

I'm tired.  It's draining.  We had a FB Messenger chat.  Conclusion has come to she needs memory care and Sis2 insists it's back in my state (where sibs 5 through me are located....everyone else is out of state).  I don't want her near me.  Here's why....

Her funds are currently supporting Bro5.  Have been for decades. When he gets cut off because the cost of memory care, he's going to make a beeline for our original home state to live off of FWB and her 90yo stroke-ridden mother.  It's not been stated that's what he'll do, but the situation is predictable.  That would leave me being the closest in proximity and I don't want the job.  Nor am I her medical proxy any longer

Bro6 will be looking into memory care by him 1.5 hours away from me.  He is her medical proxy anyway.other sisters "suppose" to be looking into places in sunny state, but because it's sunny state, odds are it'll be more expensive by default. 

All this after all her medical records and rxs have been transferred, new MDs already established, etc.

"I just want to be near my sooooonnnnnsssss"

The favoritism is blatantly obvious. 

[Seven]

And it just keeps getting better folks!

I have now blocked Bro5 from my phone.  He’s mad at me for not being the one to make phone calls to memory care in our area, and that I’m not doing anything.  I’m doing plenty.  I have researched the VA benefits, the tax deductions, financial aid part of it, but because I haven’t called around I’m not doing anything.  And how is going over the stages of uNPDs mental decline any help to the situation?  Well, the help is not everyone knew exactly when it started and they’re going to have to know that information to give to facilities for assessment and the geriatric neoropsyche that Sis2 has a call into.

Then he tries to call me out in the family group chat about how I haven’t visited her regularly in the last 4 years.  And I kindly reminded him he had no contact with her for the 20 years prior.  His answer to that?  “Bite me”

I did not JADE. I know my truth.  Low contact due to my lifetime of death by 1000 papercuts. That I’m the last daughter of an uNPD mother who has a front row seat to the favoritism of the GC boys, while the other daughters got to be states away.

I did call Sis1 to vent.  I was hysterical in tears,  it wasn’t because I was hurt but because I was soooooo angry. That’s what I do when I get angry....I’m the cryer. My heart rate was up there just like I did a 2k on my rower. She of course reminded me he’s not worth it. We have all bent over backwards for this man who is co-dependent on my mother, getting him through his bacterial pneumonia and brain surgery.  We have all stepped up in one way or another for him AND my mother.  He just thinks I should be doing more so he doesn’t have to.

I’m thankful to this forum for seeing the dysfunction for what it is.

[Andeza]

Unfortunately, from what I've read, there's a high probability for GC's to be incredibly emotional immature as a result of their handling growing up. That sounds like what you're dealing with right now, Seven. And I get the mad crying. That was me too, and I hated it. I'm sorry to say the only way I've found not to end up doing it is to never get angry enough to trigger it. Which is hard as heck sometimes, and I'm not in the horrific situation that you're dealing with right now. I think we can all assure you at this point that your Bro5 is, sadly, ungrateful for the massive amount of help that you and the others rendered given the state he was in. Heck, that even makes me sad, because I remember you talking about what his apartment looked like and that you guys had it cleaned for him.

Do what you need to do for yourself. We're here, rooting for you. Goodness knows you need somebody to root for you!

[Seven]

Looks like I'm the talk of the day. 

Firstly, Sis4 (moms financial POA) called to check on me and to tell me about the memory care near Sis2.  Place is only 2 years old, memory care is only 50% full, and is less than $5k/mo. And it's literally walking distance from Sis2. Covid restrictions are not as tight as in this state, and they are Tier 1 for vaccines when they become available.

Bro5 and 6 had a talk.  Bro6 and Sis2 had a subsequent talk.  Bro5 tells Bro6 that he just messed up this relationship (with me) and Bro6 said "well, not if you apologize". Bro5 said he can't do that.

So this convo was relayed to Sis2 by Bro6. I had called Sis2 in relation to mom but not about the transaction  that happened this morning, and she told me about the Bros convo.  He can't apologize.  He knows he's wrong, he's just incapable.   It wasn't an "I won't". It was an "I can't"

I told her I've blocked him from my phone number, but he still has access to me through our group chat, messenger, my DH, etc, so the lines of communication are still open for him, but he chooses not to use them.

And not that I need my feelings validated, but all three Sisses said everything he said was absolutely uncalled for. Names were called. And if Bro6 told Bro5 he should apologize, I'm guessing he's with me too. (Bro3 is in western state so while his input is important, he's sort of leaving mom care up to everybody else)

Consensus is, Bro5 meal ticket is about to vanish.

[Sneezy]

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry you are going through this.  What a mess!  But do stick to your guns and do not move your mother near you.  Your instincts are correct, moving her near you would only make it worse.  You mentioned that keeping mom in a sunny state would probably cost more, but I wouldn't assume that.  Sunny states have a lot more capacity as far as senior living arrangements.  And they have a steady stream of seniors moving in and through the system (from active senior communities to independent living to assisted living to memory care).  So there may actually be more options and a larger range of costs in a sunny state with more seniors.

In any case, look out for yourself first and remember that your siblings, in particular the GC, are simply not your problem.  That doesn't mean you don't care, it just means that it's not up to you to fix whatever issues they have to work through. 

Take care!