How to do deal with non-PD SIL's and allowing the kids to have cousins?

[spha6092]

I've been looking on the forum and haven't quite found a thread dealing with this but I've been wondering what to do with my SIL.

I don't think she has a PD though looking at the Out of the FOG site it seems like she could quality for uDPD. She's completely under the thumb of my uNPD MIL. She has married a man who I now clearly see as being a bit like me in that he has an openly abusive father and our family environments had some similarities from what I can tell, but he's not been quite as "successful" as me in general as he only stood up to his old man pretty recently.

DH tried to reach out to SIL these past few months but she has been freaking out and immediately started abusing him, scapegoating me and telling him that their mother is "a perfect angel".

I know my BIL has had quite a few blow-ups with my MIL in the past but I think in this conflict he will probably stick by my SIL and MIL against me and my DH as we're friendly but not close.

It was  SIL birthday recently and DH called her and I heard the call on speaker phone and it was obvious that they were both just pretending for the sake of the occasion. I chose not to acknowledge because there didn't seem any point pretending this year. A few days later I found out he actually bought her a gift without me knowing and then I had to say to him that he could have chosen to just sent an honest message like "Happy birthday - I know things aren't great right now but hopefully they will be next year." He was genuinely upset to hear me say this as it just didn't occur to him that that's how you can cope in a situation like this. They had discussed a few months ago about being "honest" going forward but none of them know how to actually do this. They're all very performative in general, appearing to say and do the right things but they never do.

Anyway - I guess I have no choice but to have NC with both my SIL and my MIL? Part of me wants to reach out to my SIL who I see as less of the problem and tell her to save herself before it's too late. She has two young kids and they are replicating the dynamic of my DH and my SIL, right down to the four year age difference. The 6yo docile older son, the Golden Child, the younger and energetic daughter who is already "too much" at 2 - and even banging her head against the wall literally. They took her to see someone who assured them that this was normal?! It's really terrible to see the damage already being enacted on the two children. Hopefully it won't be as bad as it was the first time round but I worry my SIL will become worse because she's 38 and be even more like my MIL going forward.

I feel sad that my two kids probably won't have the two cousins in their life much going forward, unless SIL decides to acknowledge but she seems completely unable to and is incredibly insecure. They don't have any other cousins.

I guess the IL's want to continue to believe in all the lies, even though it clearly brings them no joy. 

[Leonor]

Hi!

How to deal?  Grieve it and let it go.

It's sad to see from the outside and how crystal clear the while dynamic is. But inside it's very foggy.

Chances are your SIL will not respond in a way that is polite, let alone kind or grateful.

It's a boundary violation to point out what is wrong in other people's marriage and parenting.

It's also a way of staying enmeshed with ils.

[spha6092]

Hi!

How to deal?  Grieve it and let it go.

It's sad to see from the outside and how crystal clear the while dynamic is. But inside it's very foggy.

Chances are your SIL will not respond in a way that is polite, let alone kind or grateful.

It's a boundary violation to point out what is wrong in other people's marriage and parenting.

It's also a way of staying enmeshed with ils.

Thanks for the reminder, you're right. I appreciate you pointing out that I am also enmeshed with the IL's. I guess I really do just have to grieve and let it go and one day if the kids ever want to reach out to us when they are adults, they can. I have never said anything to my sister-in-law ever, of course, and now I definitely won't seeing how quickly she turned on me even though I have never been anything but nice and supportive for the past 12 years.

I had hoped my kids could have a family on my husband's side but maybe in the end it will be a matter of the family on my side. For Christmas this year we are travelling to another city to spend time with my aunt and cousins and their kids so that's something.

[spha6092]

Sorry, I have one more question on this if anyone is out there!

We haven't gone officially NC so I'm wondering what to do about Christmas presents for the two kids as well as our niece's 2nd birthday end of January.

Given everything, is it okay to just send the kids presents? Or does this undermine the boundaries we're trying to set with my sil too?

Then after that there are no birthdays or holidays we'll need to acknowledge till September 2021 - aside from Mother's Day which we'll have to work out what to do - might just run away next year 

[Leonor]

Hi spha,

I think that presents that cause you to question your boundaries is an indication of the gifts-with-strings-game that so many dysfunctional families play.

I would let presents go, especially if you're not going to see them or get together with your ils for the holidays.

Besides, with the pandemic it is safer to simply cozy up at home. Everyone's feeling the pinch in their wallets, too.

[spha6092]

Hi spha,

I think that presents that cause you to question your boundaries is an indication of the gifts-with-strings-game that so many dysfunctional families play.

I would let presents go, especially if you're not going to see them or get together with your ils for the holidays.

Besides, with the pandemic it is safer to simply cozy up at home. Everyone's feeling the pinch in their wallets, too.

Thanks so much Leonor for your advice, I'll take it. I'll just leave the presents this year then. We're escaping for the holidays to spend time with the only part of my family who give me unconditional love and a lot of strength, and so I've bought their kids a few small presents. Maybe as part of the healing I might try a bit harder with all of them, it feels good and nourishing We're lucky with the pandemic where I live because it hardly exists now, so it's possible to travel and socialise pretty freely. But take care wherever you are, and thanks again.