Cruelty?

[Bunnyme]

I'm preparing my filing, and I can choose no fault grounds or fault grounds, as we are in a fault state.  In order to do so, my attorney said that we would need to show cruelty of treatment.  Even though I think his treatment qualifies, my issue is that to others, many things he does look like not a big deal...he can make a plausible excuse for (even though I know it was quite intentional).  The leaving of drugs may be enough.  I just dont know if it is worth putting this label on him, as it may provoke him.  Yet, I'm just stating what he has done.  It could have a bearing on our assets being 50/50 (since I'm the only one with a retirement and he is unemployed).  Here is the language:

A spouse's cruel treatment can be a fault-based ground for divorce where the conduct endangers the life or health of the other person or their minor child, and makes cohabitation (living together) unsafe. Often, physical abuse is involved.

A single act of cruelty can be a ground of divorce if it shows the party intends to do serious bodily harm or is severe enough to threaten serious danger in the future.

Cruelty as a ground for divorce can also include mental abuse. The spouse's conduct must show that he or she planned to seriously impair the health or permanently destroy the happiness of the other person or their minor child. The cruel conduct puts the other person's safety or health in danger or causes that person to think that their safety or health is in danger, to the point that it is physically or mentally impossible for the person to stay in the marriage. There must be no reasonable expectation of reconciliation (making up).

Marital neglect, rudeness, and using profane and abusive language do not constitute cruelty or excessively vicious conduct. Usually, a pattern of serious domestic violence or other severe actions are required for these grounds of divorce.

[Poison Ivy]

For me, this would be a cost-benefit analysis, and I would need more information before making the decision. I suggest that you ask your attorney the following:

How difficult is it to prove cruelty?

How likely is it that proving cruelty will lead to an uneven division of assets?

Will filing on fault grounds make the divorce take longer? If yes, how much longer?

[GettingOOTF]

What does your attorney say? I was the one with all the assets in my marriage and my desire to hold on to as much of them as possible informed every single decision I made in my divorce. I ended up walking away with everything. It took longer but was worth it to me.

The thing was that my ex was never going to make the divorce “easy” so I went with what benefited me in the long term.

Edited to add Once you get some time and distance from him you won’t care as much about fairness and labeling. You’ll have a clearer picture of him and the situation.  You’ll likely wish you’d gone harder from the start.

[JustKeepTrying]

Bunnyme - I am one month out of the this and I went no fault and wish I hadn't - but first follow your attorney's advice, ask questions and then ask what questions should I be asking.

I didn't wan the stigma of the abuse to taint our family.  And there was great financial, emotional and physically aggressive abuse.  No actual physical harm.  But he would miss by centimeters.  It was my therapist (the third one I had) who finally convinced me of the abuse.  32 year marriage.

My xOCPDh became cruel when he realized that I was serious and was not going to back out.  And since then, it has become worse.  So in essence, the no fault was a mistake.  I thought it would help to not antagonize and we could still have a sort of civil relationship for the kids.  But it didn't work.

My best advice:  Now is the time to protect your interests.  Do what you must to protect yourself and provide financial stability for your future. 

[Bunnyme]

Thank you.  My attorney is now saying abandonment...which I'm wary of.  We shall see.