Did you tell them you filed?

[Bunnyme]

Sorry to post so much lately.  The papers are in my inbox waiting for me to sign.  Did you give your PD any heads up that you had filed before they got the papers?  I'm waiting a week until he is out of rehab...since they won't let him be served there and I know where he is going when he leaves.  It isnt like this is coming out of left field, but he is hard-core hoovering right now, despite my lack of response.  I'm thinking that it is best to just do it and let him figure it out.  All of my attempts to go easy to try to avoid conflict have not worked so well.  What did you do?

[eyesopen]

My experience was probably unique when it comes to divorcing a pwPD. I actually got her to sign on with my filing as uncontested and she didn't even have to get served. The divorce process happened fairly smoothly because she was so involved with her new boyfriend that she was happy to be rid of me. The divorce was finalized in June of this year.

As smooth as the divorce was, nothing since has been easy at all. We have an elementary age daughter and 50/50 custody and my exw is making everything as difficult as possible. There's alienation, disparaging comments, yelling swear words at me at drop offs, and most recently, trying to break down my door in the middle of the night. That last one landed her in jail with a felony charge and I hope it's enough for her to wake up and start being cooperative. If not, I essentially hold all the cards as a victim (with security camera evidence) and can discuss with the prosecutor how to proceed as well as have an easy time amending our parenting plan. I want my daughter to have a stable and loving relationship with both of her parents, but I can't control her mom's actions. I'm sure I'll get blamed for everything and exw will tell DD how terrible I am every chance she gets. I keep showing an example of love and positivity and I can only hope that DD, as much as she loves her mom, will eventually see for herself how things are.

What it all boils down to is this:  As much you try to avoid conflict when dealing with a high conflict person, it's a guaranteed outcome regardless of what you do.

[GettingOOTF]

Mine is unique too. I trod very lightly because I was super FOGgy. My ex was on a psychiatric hold for a few weeks while I got my ducks in a row. My focus was getting him out of my home and situated with a place of his own etc.

I told him when he was more stable. He and my useless attorney dragged it out for another year or so. He eventually signed when something was about to happen where the woman he’d been living with for a year would have found out that he was still married.

Like I said, I was super FOGgy. I got him to go with me to the attorneys and sign. It took a while after that to get the papers back and I had to hire a second attorney to finalize everything.

The extra time worked out as he was distracted by his GF and I was able to talk him into agreeing to give up any claim to my assets.

If I were to do it over I’d go in hard and fast. My ex always had an excuse - hospital, no where to stay, no ins etc. it went on and on.  I was also very ignorant of the divorce laws and I thought I needed his permission to divorce. Turns out after a certain amount of time has passed you don’t here.

Like mine, your husband has nothing to gain from this divorce. He will not go willingly. I know it’s hard to see right now esp with the complications of his addictions, but it would actually be kinder to him on the long run to go in hard and fast. I wish I had. Both of our healing would have started much earlier. I do see that it was as much me holding on to the marriage as it was him, but it took me a long time and a lot of therapy to see this. Leaving a marriage, even such an abusive and toxic one is hard. There’s no easy way to do it and the only “best” way to do it is the way that sets you up in the best possible financial position.

[Poison Ivy]

I did tell my then husband after I filed and before he was served, but I had already warned him that I would likely file unless he made some changes (which he didn't), and he has a very low conflict personality.

[blunk]

I too put it off filing due to his excuses, the biggest of which was that he had just started a new job and didn't yet have insurance. It took 90 days for him to get insurance...and there is a 90 day wait between filing and the earliest court date to finalize the divorce. Of course, my bpdxh's biggest concern was that I would have him served while he was at work. So he agreed to meet with me and the Marshall in the City Courthouse to have the papers served to him.

[GettingOOTF]

I too put it off filing due to his excuses, the biggest of which was that he had just started a new job and didn't yet have insurance. It took 90 days for him to get insurance...and there is a 90 day wait between filing and the earliest court date to finalize the divorce. Of course, my bpdxh's biggest concern was that I would have him served while he was at work. So he agreed to meet with me and the Marshall in the City Courthouse to have the papers served to him.

Yeah mines biggest concern was that his girlfriend would find out he was married. This really helped me, especially with his giving up any claim to my assets or any kind of alimony.

[Free2Bme]

Bunnyme,

My updh was returning home from business trip, I had cleared out of the house, kids, pets, essentials, important stuff in safety deposit box, etc.  He arrived to an empty home and no explanation.  (I was stay at home mom)

I was afraid for my safety, so I stayed in a hotel 4 days until he was served and accounts frozen.  I texted him that me and the kids were "taking a break " , (with the pets, the computers and all the cash from our accounts )   It seemed the safest and smoothest way to allow the shock to sink in while he remained at our home and we were gone/safe.  He ended up going into a massive state of decompensation and became very unstable.  Scary.

Everyone's situation is different.  You must gauge H's response and plan accordingly.   Always er on the side of safety.

- Take care

[Phoenix Rising]

With exNPD 1, I was a SAHM and made the mistake of saying I was going to leave before I was ready emotionally and practically. About a week after I told him ((and during the time I started to form a plan with family/friends/community agencies), he filed for custody and possession of the home. That week was one of the most dangerous for the kids and I. He ended up having a lot of control over the court matter by being the first to file (e.g. used delay tactics like asking for continuances, filing false claims repeatedly, requesting financial statements but not giving his, etc,.).

The second situation involves an uNPD/APD. I didn't mention what I planned to do. Already I was in fear of him before filing and I delayed it for a long time out of concern for what he might do afterwards. He didn't have a prior history of physical violence but over the years, his behaviours escalated (e.g. more frequent hoovering, using multiple accounts/phone numbers to make contact, stalking, etc,). Some months ago, the behaviours became physical. So even after filing quite recently, I still fear for my safety because while some characteristics have become predictable, I actually really don't know what he will do next.

I think it really depends on your own situation but I would generally recommend to anyone who asked NOT to tell your PD what you want to do or intend to do. I've learned from both situations that going easy on them in these situations will often hold you back or put you at further risk for more harm, whether it's psychological, physical, etc,.

Wishing you and anyone else thinking of filing the best of luck and to stay safe.

[Free2Bme]

 


Take care & be safe Phoenix

[Kat54]

We had discussions about separating and he would become unraveled and angry, blaming me.
After I was out about a month I had him served. He said He was blind sided, but actually he had his head in the sand and refused to acknowledge how unhappy Our marriage was.
I could never talk to him, it would go into blame, anger, twisting words. It was sad snd terrible.

[Phoenix Rising]

Take care & be safe Phoenix

Thank you and the same to you