Is knowing worse than not knowing?

[blew]

Ever since I began to realize that my SO had OCPD, it felt like I could manage it better.  But now I don't think so.  Now I see ever action and reaction as a part of their pathology.  And I'm not sure that isn't skewing my ability to deal with it....

Tonight, I said I would clean up after dinner (which I made)  But she came into the kitchen and began to clean up as well.  Now, a normal person would see this as a nice thing that their spouse is doing.  I was tired and drifting off as we watched TV.  But now I know that it was an OCPD symptom.  OF COURSE I could not clean the kitchen as well as her.  OF COURSE she had a better way of doing it.  It is maddening.  I don't think that I need to explain all of this in detail, because so many of you understand it instinctively.  There are a million things that are said every day that I just slough off.  One example.  Today I had some stomach issues.  I went to the medicine cabinet and found a bottle of Kaopektate that was dated 2005 -- so I went to the pharmacy for a new one.  When I got back and told her how old the original stuff was she said, "And of course, you bought a new bottle" as if this was a huge problem and expense! I just let it go, like I let a million things go.

As to the kitchen issue?  Of course, the argument that ensued accused me of being cranky or sullen or something like that. Am I, sometimes?  Sure.  When I listen to the endless diatribes about the SAME PROBLEMS over and over and over again, I can't always hide my pain and displeasure and boredom.  If I hear her complaints about street cleaning in our town one more time I'll go ballistic!  Get the f--- over it!  We're in the middle of a global pandemic and you're complaining about moving your car?

I honestly don't know how to manage this.  Being at home all the time now due to Covid has made her life better, because she has someone to rant to all day long, while I'm sick and tired of the constant negativity.

Thanks.

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds like you are not in a good place, you seem to feel trapped and exposed. Is there any way you could remove yourself to another room the moment you start feeling irritated by the complaints? Or respond with medium chill "you have complained about that before", "this annoys you" then continue with what you were doing? You validate her feelings, then make a statement of your own if you feel like it. "Things like that don't bother me." Then move to another room, even the bathroom if necessary. Or you go for a walk?
Medium chill and non JADE from the toolbox are really two good strategies when trapped with a PD,  they take a while to learn and apply consequently but they made my home life so much more pleasant.
As for the kitchen cleaning example, only few people like to be micromanaged and you don't seem to be one of them, have you tried emotionally distancing yourself from the situation and observe what exactly is happening? Like you were watching a movie? Does she clean the spot you already cleaned, again? What happens if you then clean that same spot again? What happens if you assign tasks? Often we are easily manipulated because we feel irritated and the emotional uproar does not allow us to think clearly. Therefore, taking an emotional step back and just observe in great detail what is happening, you might find a good way of dealing with the situation. One that leaves you feeling good about yourself instead of grumpy and irritated.

[GettingOOTF]

What I came to see with my BPDxH was that I could not “manage” his condition. PDs are not temporary symptoms. They are someone’s innate personality. They do the things they do because that’s how it is in their heads.

I also came to see that not all of my exes behaviors were “PD behaviors”. Some were valid reactions to things I did.

It is very difficult for a non PD to live with a PD. My experience was that I made all the sacrifices and he got worse the more I tired to accommodate his behaviors.

Ultimately I decided it was no way for me to live and I left. We are both happier as he is with someone who is more accepting of who he is and I live a PD free life with all the freedom that comes with that.

We cannot fix other people. We cannot manipulate them into being who we want them to be. We can only learn to accept them for who they are or move on. Both options bring a level of peace. I chose to leave.

I highly recommend reading Codependent More. It really helped me to understand my own situation.  I did a lot of work in this area. It was hard and I didn’t want to do it but it gave me the life  and knowledge I have today which I wouldn’t trade for my old “ignorance is bliss” life for all the money in the world.

For me knowing gave me clarity and helped me to live the life I was supposed to be living instead of the one I’d chosen.

[blew]

Removing myself to another room is rarely successful.  For instance, she'll start right back up, at the very same point, when I return.  Or if I skulk off the bathroom, I return to hear "You are always sick or complaining about something..."  The truth, of course, is that SHE is always complaining.  I guess this is a PDs way of turning the tables on us?

Oh, and this morning?  The first words out of her mouth were, "Are you going to apologize?"  Great way to wake up and start the day.  She never lets go.  Not with me or with anyone she knows.  All of them are "idiots" in one way or another. She goes on at length about their supposed inadequacies. And then she says it again and again over the weeks and months and yes, years!   And yet she can't figure out why she doesn't have any close friends!!  She is close to 70 and still complaining about her bad childhood.  Was it bad?  Yes, it was.  It's probably the cause of all this, but at some point you have to get on with life!

As to the cleaning.  This seems to getting worse. She cleans constantly. My BP goes up when I hear the vacuum. (in fact, I've wondered if my hypertension is relating to living with this behavior for years...)  She's always been a neatnik, but now it's just out of control, almost like an actual OCD person.  I agree that I should just back off and not let the emotions rule me, but god, that isn't always possible, is it?

Thanks for the calm and thoughtful advice.

[Lauren17]

To answer your original question. Yes, I sometimes think that knowing is harder than not knowing. In fact, sometimes it seems like I was happier in the FOG.  I was along for the roller coaster ride so I had the up times of fun and laughter. For me, coming to terms with losing the up times was part of the healing process.
Out of the FOG is healthier. It gets better. You begin to find some peace.
I, too, thought I could "manage" H once I realized what I was up against. I eventually learned I cannot be responsible for his behaviors. I can only be responsible for mine. I'm working more and more towards managing myself.
Hang there in. This isn't an easy road.

[Matteblak]

I, too, thought I could "manage" H once I realized what I was up against. I eventually learned I cannot be responsible for his behaviors. I can only be responsible for mine. I'm working more and more towards managing myself.
Hang there in. This isn't an easy road.

Thank you for this comment. I'm barely starting to come to this realization. I am so grateful for everyones willingness to share their stories and insights.

I do miss those times when I could see the "good" times as "good" instead of a trap.