New and needing hope for healing and recovery

[Right_category]

I have been a part of other forums for survivors of narc. abuse, though the need to really reflect and heal and seek community in regards to this is becoming more and more necessary in my life. Long story as short as possible; My long term partner broke up with me about a year ago, which led to to decide to move home with my mom, her husband, and my younger sister in order to get back on my feet. For some context, my partner and I were living in a foreign country so moving home to the US was a huge step because I had build my life in a foreign country and was leaving it all behind after the breakup. So here I was 29, broken up with, living with my mom after being independent and living around the world for over 10 years if my life trying to rebuild something. It didn't take long for me to realize that my mom, her husband, and my sister didn't see it the same way. They saw me as lazy, taking advantage of them (even though they offered the space), and as immature (though I had built a life for myself and was independent from the age of 18 where my sister who is 21 never left the house and also never faced the criticisms i did). So, i finally realised I was and have throughout my life been experiencing narcissistic abuse from my mother, and her husband also enabled and portrayed this behaviour toward me, and my sister did as well as, clearly, she is the golden child. I did a lot of reflection and gained a huge understanding, and eventually my partner and I got back together and I moved back to the country I had been before and away from my family. I have felt a lot of healing and recovery, however something happened recently that made me feel like I am a failure, a narcissist, and and abuser who is unable to recover or heal. I have a very best friend who I had hurt some time back before my partner broke up with me because I wasn't reflective of my narcissistic trauma and therefore had some narcissistic tendencies because of the environment I grew up in- these tendencies came out in my weakest and most hurt moment. I was feeling very hurt and in a lot of pain with multiple layers in my life, and I put unfair expectations and weight on my friend and make her feel as if it was her responsibility to make things better for me. At the time I didn't realise it, though when I went back home to my narcissistic family and stayed with them for a while and it opened my eyes to all the behaviours of theirs that I repeated at times in my life. Since then I've been really reflective and focusing really hard on trying to heal and recover from my emotional abuse and trauma. It's only been about 10 months since I've come to terms with my abuse and my own tendencies that I got due to living in my narcissistic family, so I am by no means totally healed or recovered, but I am working really hard. However, I hurt my friend again because I shared something with her out of my own pain that I shouldn't have shared with her because it was related to her partner. Her partner has really hurt my feelings and i was expressing my pain to the wrong person in the wrong way and I know it was wrong. I made a mistake and I was speaking from a place of hurt and so of course it hurt her a lot and made her feel hallowed out. I understand I hurt her, but the way she responded to her hurt was really traumatising for me. She basically said that I am a narcissist and I haven't "changed" but that my narcissism has just taken a different shape. I am in so much pain hearing that because I know in my heart that I am healing and recovering, and that someone i consider my best friend can't see that. I understand that she was hurt and I made a mistake and I hurt her - i regret what I told her and apologised profusely. but to prod at something so sensitive for me feels overwhelming. To those who are healing and receiving from being raised by narcissists  and those who are healing from the habits they received from their narcissistic upbringings, please send validation. Please tell me we can heal and grow and that it's not just taking a different shape. That we can be better than what we grew up with. I'm in so much pain.

[Starboard Song]

Please tell me we can heal and grow and that it's not just taking a different shape. That we can be better than what we grew up with.

We can heal and grow. It's not just taking a different shape. We can be better than what we grew up with.

Welcome to Out of the FOG. People who gfrow up under the stress of a PD parent have real challenges to overcome: I've seen it. But they can overcome them: I've seen that, too.

PDs are not binary conditions: it is not the case that we are all either angels or monsters. Most of us are in the middle, and have better and worse days. Acting out occasionally doesn't make you an official, card-carrying narcissist: it makes you human. So take a deep breath and be ever so kind to yourself. Others will be along -- you can find them on our boards -- with their own stories of healing and self-improvement.

I am glad you found us and that you are working on it. The fact that you are even asking these questions tells me you are going to be just fine. I don't mean to diminish the struggle. That's very real. But you'll be fine. Indeed, you're probably a fine friend and companion right now. Stick with it, stick with us, and never stop caring for your deserving self.

Be good. Be strong.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome,

Starboard song is right we all have good and bad days they are not what define our own personality.

We are allowed to be flawed and have fleas from living under PD and narcissism.

If your friend needs a cool down period right now that would trigger some anxieties in you that we understand here. Coming Out of the FOG happens through these painful experiences sometimes. But not all recovery work is painful. But some is. And that's why this forum can help so much.

Ask questions here and stay curious about your recovery work. Easier days are coming. I know this because easy and hard days come to us as we make this journey.

And if no one understands you at times that is ok. You can still tell yourself it is brave to post to a board and look at your self.

Trees