Triggery triggers

[Amadahy]

Hi, Everyone!

I realized today that spending any money on myself or for bigger purchases is extremely triggering for me.   We are updating and repairing our kitchen, after 28 years, and I've just ordered appliances and feel all the triggery feels -- shortness of breath, fear, dread, shame, questioning worthiness, developing a headache.  As I ponder this, I realize I've felt this *every.single.time* I make a large purchase or buy something for myself above and beyond basic needs; I just didn't make the connection until today.  My FOO was impoverished so purchases above the necessary were rare, plus my maternal grands were somewhat affluent, but very stingy.  Anything they ever purchased for me was met with dread of their bragging to others or with their endless need for thanks or for how painful it seemed to them to buy us anything. These factors have given me issues with money, but I only just today realized how triggered I am after some purchases.  It's probably one reason Christmas is hard -- I'm not a good gift receiver, either. 

Going to go meditate and write a bit, offer gratitude we're able to remodel just now, and see if I can't regulate this trauma brain to manage yet another trigger.  Logic brain is trying to soothe trauma brain!   

[Boat Babe]

Really good trauma management skills there Amadahy. You rock! This is how we get from surviving to thriving.

[notrightinthehead]

Isn't it wonderful how once we become aware of our triggers we can actually work on them? Only as long as they are automatic and we act them out, we cannot heal - the moment we are aware, we can change.
Your post made me think about my own problems, I don't think I have ever bought an item of clothing for myself that was not on sale. 

[Stillirise]

Your post made me think about my own problems, I don't think I have ever bought an item of clothing for myself that was not on sale. 

When I get a compliment on something I'm wearing, I instinctively blurt out, "Thanks! I got it on sale!"

I bought a new vehicle 5 years ago.  I still get a little panicky when I think that I might have to do that again someday.  Gratitude almost always helps me reframe that.

[SeaBreeze]

Good for you for identifying a trigger and recognizing its source!

I grew up below or right at the poverty line, my FOO's circumstances caused in part by my mother's PD. I have struggled with my own triggers and baggage surrounding money, so I empathize.

Enjoy your new and improved kitchen!!! 

[SparkStillLit]

Thanks I got it on sale!!!! Omw that is one zillion percent ME!!! Then I'm re-embarrassed "why on EARTH did I say that!!" And it quickly gets in that handbasket, you know the one, headed in a southerly direction...