Always on the rollercoaster

[bettersmog]

Hello - I am a new poster but have been lurking for a bit, so excuse any errors... I have an undiagnosed but suspected BPD MIL who also has a pretty healthy substance abuse problem. Her husband, my FIL, is her enabler, and to a lesser extent, my BIL and SIL plus their kids are as well. My husband and I are the only ones who have stood up to my MIL's vicious verbal abuse, this time by going NC since June. Husband and I have been to therapy, and he agrees on NC, all the rules, no access to our kid but.... he still loves his dad.

His dad is a hopeless enabler and FM, truly just lost to the cause of healing. And so we are in a cycle, one I am sure a lot of you are familiar with... things are ok, then my MIL strikes out (normally at my husband, sometimes at me) with something heinous, husband and MIL try to "talk" and of course, a BP person cannot truly apologize so we go NC, but, my husband keeps talking to his dad. His dad peppers in info about MIL, and of course, anything about our son/us is reported back to MIL despite the NC. Soon enough a holiday or birthday comes and there is a faux-pology, love bombing, and we see the in-laws again. I am adamant that my son does not see them without me, so I am roped in. But, with COVID, this process was delayed and there was no love bombing or faux-pologies, in fact, there was just a nasty snail mail letter to both of us saying we needed therapy, we are ugly bad hearted people for cutting off our son from my MIL, etc. ugh anyway...

We just got news we are moving states. And with christmas.... my husband broke. he agreed to a zoom call on xmas. they are buying my kid presents. MIL wins. I know we are moving, and this has pushed all my husbands buttons. I find myself reacting in ways he reacts, just accepting that this is happening and feeling SO terrible on the inside. of course we never are going to have a conversation, never going to get an apology, never heal, it's just this giant wound that my husband kind of requires I cover up as best as possible, like he does, and move on.

I am torn because I know without treatment my MIL cannot truly apologize or even really hear what has hurt us so badly. She cannot take responsibility for herself and her nasty disgusting texts telling me I am a bad mother, should have my son taken away.... so what is the point. But I am tired of being on the rollercoaster. It is impossible to break the cycle with my husband clinging to hope about his dad, and i'm just tired. any advice or commiseration is appreciated.

[spha6092]

So sorry to hear about this, it's so hard, isn't it? But you're moving so consider this one last backward step before the giant leap forward. And yes, you'll never get the apology etc. One thing which I found helped me recently with never getting apologies from people who need to is the podcast with Brene Brown and Harriet Lerner on saying sorry. Really worth a listen. You might find it helpful as well, because it doesn't talk in terms of PD but it helps understand why people in general find it hard to apologise, let alone those who are so disordered. You just have to learn not to take it personally, which is hard, because it's so toxic. I have issues with my MIL around some of this stuff so totally get it.

I don't really have any other advice except to say it's a little bit like the scenario I have with my parents except I actually have a relationship with both of them somehow as I started setting boundaries like 20 years ago. We've all found ways to manage my dad and I feel a bit sorry for my mum who disappeared inside herself a long time ago to cope in the marriage, probably like your FIL. I try with my mum a little and I take what I can get. My dad is always a shadow but sometimes I'll call her up and have a real conversation for five minutes. And that feels nice.