Supporting my sister

[DancingStar]

My step father died in July and my mother (waify drama queen) has gone to live with my sister.   My mother is 86 and frail; I don't thing she could  look after herself.   My sister and I were previously both LC with my mother & step father - mainly because they lived so far away but tbh that suited us because she is controlling and it let us live our lives in relative peace. 

My mother is very demanding - she's like a bottomless pit of wanting people to dance attention on her.   My sister has 2 sons living at home (both in their early 20s) and they are like the Queen's footmen towards her, bringing her what she wants (even to the point of washing & moisturising her feet) but it's still not enough.   My mother really dislikes my sister's daughters (one away at uni, the other with her own flat) even though they also give her time and attention.   They are apparently spoiled, greedy  (based on one of them having  expensive perfume) lazy (based on one of them lying on the sofa all day - she had a migraine) and "not ladylike" (they laugh).   I think she's jealous of them.

My sister is not in the best of health herself but she doesn't really look after herself.  I was looking at her on Friday, she looks like a real wreck.  She was (is) my beautiful baby sister.   My sister's husband is an alcoholic (under control atm) who also suffers with paranoid schizophrenia (under control providing he takes his meds).    My sister already had an incredible amount on her plate without taking on our mother too.   

What can I do to help my sister?  I'm not in the best of health myself - I had a mental breakdown about 3 years ago (precipitated by my mother's behavior)  and last year I had very major surgery which  resulted in some complications that are still being investigated.    I take my mother out a couple of times a week - she sulks if we don't go shopping and for someone who claims to be so weak she spends hours walking round looking at stuff (more than an hour and I am struggling to stand up but then have to carry the bags and drive home).  Being with her is to be subjected to her list of constant complaints about people who really are trying their best to accommodate this difficult person who has come into their already difficult lives.    Last week I had to listen to a tirade about my niece - although she has her own flat she sometimes goes to stay over at my sister's for the night. My niece takes anti-anxiety meds & anti-depressants and she's talked to me about how her dad's health impacts on her & my sister.   Then I find out  that my mother had made one of my nephews cry - apparently berating him about his appearance and "the state of him".    I cry thinking about how mean she was to him - this is the young man who washes her bloody feet, for crying out loud - and I know how he felt because I've been on the end of that berating so many times for not being how she envisages how I should be.

Anyway, back to the original question, what can I do to support and take some of the pressure off my sister?

[SunnyMeadow]

My goodness, this whole thing sounds so stressful DancingStar! I was going to suggest taking your mother out occasionally to give your sis a break. Then I read you are doing just that. Taking her out a couple of times a week for hours at a time is going above and beyond.

If I was in this situation I guess I'd ignore my mother's words as much as possible. When she's complaining about different people try not to listen; walk away to look at a shirt or shoes at the store, hum in your head. From reading here, I see that they aren't going to change. Trying to make her see that your niece or another family member isn't a bad person won't work. They have these notions about people and I haven't been able to change my mother's mind yet. Telling her what you think only gets you into an argument, not worth it. Try the observe don't absorb method when interacting with her.

I've gotten so I don't give a damn if she thinks so-and-so is a terrible person. I won't change her mind so I don't let it bother me. I often think "it's a shame she's so dreadful and mean", then go about my day. It makes me think about how I interact with others and will NEVER act like her. 

In this case I don't know what else you could do to help your sister besides having your mom live with you and I don't recommend that! You said you had a mental breakdown due to your mother, I'd hate to think of your life if she moved in.

I think you taking your mother out is a huge help. I used to take my mother out quite a bit to give my stepdad a break from her. It's a big deal to do that for hours at a time.

[Sneezy]

My mother is very demanding - she's like a bottomless pit of wanting people to dance attention on her.   

Does your sister fully understand this?  No matter what you and your sister and all your relatives do, it will never be enough.  Maybe point your sister to this forum and/or other similar resources so that she understands what she is dealing with.  I have lost count of how many times I have told my mother "I am not your cruise director," "I'm not your tour guide," "it's not my job to entertain you."  While it sometimes feels good to say these things, mom will never take it to heart and she will demand non-stop attention always.  A bottomless pit is a good way to describe it.

As far as supporting your sister, you are doing that by taking your mother off her hands for a few hours.  That is immensely helpful.  I am the only one of my mother's children who live in the same town as she does, and I can't tell you how much of a relief it is when one of my siblings takes mom to their house for a few days.  Since you are in the same town, no need to take mom to your house for a few days, just a few hours out will give your sister some relief.

Also, does your mother have to live with your sister?  Is it possible to get your mother into some type of senior living center?  You could tell your mother it is only for her best interest.  After all, you and sis are not spring chickens, right?  And you want mom to have only the best care, right?  Just a thought.  If you could get her into a senior living center or assisted living, it would lessen the load on all of you.  But I know that's not always possible and certainly not easy if your mother doesn't agree.

Hang in there - elderly PDs are very draining.