new here. a wreck over a long time "friend"

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lillylover

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new here. a wreck over a long time "friend"
« on: December 14, 2020, 12:00:54 PM »
Hello.  Sorry this is so long. Iím new here. I am a wreck about a very long time friend - "Sue". I don't want to be a wreck.  I know that Sue isn't a wreck. Not one bit.  She has nerves of steel. And zero shame. 

I have read some posts here and can see that my present state of mind and the way my mind and body is reacting  is likely from growing up as I did.  I attracted narcissists into my life because that is all I knew. 

A therapist said to me a ways back he felt that I likely still had friends in my life (I am not young) who emulate the behaviors I lived with in my family.   He was right. I was able to walk away from 3 of those friendships but this ONE is tougher because this friend is different.  I need to find words to explain how I mean this.  I just wish this wasn't going on. 

I am afraid of "Sue" presently.   In my family I was the SG.  And if I dared to say a word in my defense or tell anyone to treat me better so to speak I became the perpetrator. I was treated so badly.  Not allowed to be me.  This friend ď SueĒ... well I am not caving to her now and she doesn't like this. 

She doesn't like that I have set boundaries.   I don't think I ever before set boundaries with her.  But I'm also setting them at a time when her bad behavior is way way escalated.  More than I ever have seen.  Maybe the boundaries are due to her escalated bad behavior.  Prior I would give her passes.   

 There is zero conscience in most of my FOO (and extended).  My husband has called them thugs and bullies.  Though to the public they are upstanding professionals with everything a human being could achieve and have  everything material that makes them appear successful and their kids seem to be successful grown kids.  They look really good to the outside.

This friend "Sue" is like that too.  Maybe even more so. 

In my FOO I would always be the trouble maker for for daring to "complain" about how I was being treated. Thus I learned to shut up and never  name what ď was" and I after years of work learned to keep distance such as LC. 

That said once I went NC with my GC cruel/abusive sister and did I pay a huge price!  I was campaigned smeared by her and she played herself the victim and she was believed.  I was seen as the trouble maker but the Family just as when we were young.  It was so inside out. 

This friend- Sue I guess she has had some elements of my family members yet she has had really "loving" qualities that seemed genuine.  I donít know if it was always Love Bombing.  It seemed authentic but itís confusing.   There were many windows of time whereby I have wonderful memories with her.  And although I feel glad for those I wish I never met her.  I see in retrospect how she has had  Dr Jeckyl / Mr Hyde ways but since Covid began her bad side has escalated and I started backing away. 

 I am LC now and I fear  I might pay the same price I paid for backing away from my sister.  Sue also has millions of friends that make her feel OK about herself.  She dresses well. Itís window dressing- her appearance and behavior with others. 

 She has already dropped 2 other friends and has explained her reasons to others -that THEY (the 2 friends she dropped)  were acting Crazy. But they weren't crazy.  However Sue was believed.  She is great at coming out smelling like a rose.  So Sue is coming across to me as if I am the one acting strangely - but she is more angry that  I am acting in my best behalf and she is twisting my boundaries into something else.   Everything feels  painfully difficult. 

I know about  FOG and believe that I have Fear and Obligation. I'm not sure I have Guilt.  I have anger though.  Also I feel devastated by the disintegration of this friendship even though I said I wish I never met her.  I am losing sleep over this.

 I already am dealing with a tragedy- a loss (death) so monumental- and I just need some harmony presently so I can grieve my loss.  I will never get over this tragic loss.  I don't sleep well either due to that loss.  But I know this is not the place for that but just explaining that I am extra vulnerable presently to Sue's behaviors. 

I don't know if  I might be all over the place in this post. I guess this is a start  to get this out of my system.   If I lose Sue I also lose her family that I've known forever.  I will also lose my godchild.  Her grown kids think she walks on water and they are very loyal to her. Too much loss. 

Any feedback would be highly appreciated.   Thank you for being here.   Thank you for reading this post.

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Bloomie

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Re: new here. a wreck over a long time "friend"
« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2020, 01:29:41 PM »
lillylover - Hi there and welcome to the forum. I am glad you joined the community and yet so sorry for the monumental loss you are grieving and then adding in all that is happening with this friend 'Sue'.

I heard something recently that went a bit like this..."when we share our sorrows with others who can enter into those losses to some degree and who will walk with us, those sorrows are lessened."

I believe this to be so true and my hope is that as you share the process of finding the best path forward with Sue and in your healing and grieving that sharing here in this community will lessen the sorrow you are experiencing.

I will say that recognizing you are vulnerable and more loss would be possibly more than you can bear... are you able to continue holding your boundaries... which are always and only about what we can control - which is only ourselves - and continue a more superficial kind of relationship with Sue until things settle out a bit for you?

Can you stay in more limited contact and keep the relationships that you value? When/if questioned about why you may have pulled back you rightly are dealing with a great deal and that healing work is your focus.

There will be those who will not accept any change in how we relate to them. There will be those who take a scorched earth approach when reacting to our boundaries. And that outcome can be very difficult and we grieve the losses keeping the ultimate gain in our view that living from a place of empowerment and kindly set, reasonable boundaries over our life, time, resources is our human right and so important.

Healthy people respect boundaries. Even some kinda unhealthy people may push back but will respect boundaries. Really unhealthy and entitled people may not respect boundaries and may act out toward us. It seems you will be finding out where Sue lands on the spectrum of disordered behaviors.

If you have not had a look at the toolbox and resources all over the forum and at the drop down menus above it is a great jumping in place. The other online media resources and book recommendations are so good.

All of this is a process. Taking steps, facing fears, risking more loss to be real and free in your own life, learning about how to create space around yourself through boundaries and then having the joy of living in that peaceful, empowered space is a journey. Progress is our aim. And we are here for you.

Keep coming back and sharing!

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lillylover

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Re: new here. a wreck over a long time "friend"
« Reply #2 on: December 15, 2020, 11:53:57 AM »
lillylover - Hi there and welcome to the forum. I am glad you joined the community and yet so sorry for the monumental loss you are grieving and then adding in all that is happening with this friend 'Sue'. [/i]

Thank you very much Bloomie. 

I heard something recently that went a bit like this..."when we share our sorrows with others who can enter into those losses to some degree and who will walk with us, those sorrows are lessened."

I believe this to be so true and my hope is that as you share the process of finding the best path forward with Sue and in your healing and grieving that sharing here in this community will lessen the sorrow you are experiencing.

I would like to lessen this particular sorrow as it is eating me up.  I have so many emotions.  I feel devastated.  I feel anger.  I feel so much loss. This was a decades long "friendship"....(sigh)

I will say that recognizing you are vulnerable and more loss would be possibly more than you can bear... are you able to continue holding your boundaries... which are always and only about what we can control - which is only ourselves - and continue a more superficial kind of relationship with Sue until things settle out a bit for you?

Can you stay in more limited contact and keep the relationships that you value? When/if questioned about why you may have pulled back you rightly are dealing with a great deal and that healing work is your focus
.

I think it's maybe too late.  I know I was devalued by her.  Now just in the past few days I believe that I am discarded.  I think I began realizing this last night- the discarded part.  She kept bringing up my limited contact with her as if she hadn't clue as to why.   I think deep down she knew why but is very good at erasing her blackboard about what she does to others.  I am having trouble explaining in generalities.  How I would love to give specific examples. They are so absurd and specific thus the'd give me away. (not that she'd ever read here on this forum). 


There will be those who will not accept any change in how we relate to them. There will be those who take a scorched earth approach when reacting to our boundaries. And that outcome can be very difficult and we grieve the losses keeping the ultimate gain in our view that living from a place of empowerment and kindly set, reasonable boundaries over our life, time, resources is our human right and so important.

Healthy people respect boundaries. Even some kinda unhealthy people may push back but will respect boundaries. Really unhealthy and entitled people may not respect boundaries and may act out toward us. It seems you will be finding out where Sue lands on the spectrum of disordered behaviors.


Sue is showing herself to be at the most unhealthy end of the spectrum for entitlement  and has displayed zero respect for my newly set boundaries which are very reasonable boundaries.  I'm just trying to keep myself safe from Covid as I am at very high risk.  I have immune deficiency and Sue ( a nurse) knows this about me.

 I've never set them with her- boundaries.  I have other friends who are stricter than I am about protecting themselves against Covid.  I respect how they are.  But me with Sue- protecting myself as  I am doing- me taking care of me in spite of sue- this is new to sue.   She would get offended if I wore a mask around her.  And she has contact with all kinds of people at risk (being a nurse).  And this is what began this latest set of  bad behaviors from Sue.  I won't be with her without a mask on.

I don't fully understand what she doesn't "get" about my need to keep myself safe.  But this is what started her devaluing me and then it just snowballed.  Athough in retrospect I at times was devalued and I wasn't setting boundaries.  Although for the past 3+ years Sue was much more behaved and treating me as I treated her.  Though I have to think about this now.

If you have not had a look at the toolbox and resources all over the forum and at the drop down menus above it is a great jumping in place. The other online media resources and book recommendations are so good.

I  have been looking at your toolbox and pulling out things that seem helpful- putting them into a "notebook".  And I have been looking at the drop down boxes. I hope I can feel more empowered and less feeling destroyed.  I think if I wasn't so vulnerable from the monumental loss I wouldn't feel this way.  I could really use some support presently.  I am grateful for this well organized website and for the kind people here. 

  I feel so lost to not have this friend being her good self.  She is like the the little poem about the little girl with the little curl in the middle of her forehead.  When she was good she was very very good and when she was bad (acting out her PD) she was horrid. I think sue is both NPD and BPD. So she can well behaved yet terrible at times to be with.   So very confusing. 

All of this is a process. Taking steps, facing fears, risking more loss to be real and free in your own life, learning about how to create space around yourself through boundaries and then having the joy of living in that peaceful, empowered space is a journey. Progress is our aim. And we are here for you.

Keep coming back and sharing!


 I'm glad to have found this site.  I presently feel like a basket case.  AND this all is making me ill.  I just need harmony in my life. I feel like my molecules are shaken about.   I so want to gain some empowerment and to be far less affected than I am presently.  Thank you......
« Last Edit: December 15, 2020, 12:38:43 PM by lillylover »

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Hepatica

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Re: new here. a wreck over a long time "friend"
« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2020, 02:08:33 PM »
Dear lillylover,

This sounds really hard and I feel for you. It seems like you care for "Sue" a great deal but she has had you in some sort of emotional fear state for a long time and this is not ok. You have seen how she treats others at her worst, and you are rightly worried and sad.

If I had a friend who asked me to wear a mask, (esp. being that she is a nurse) I'd care enough about this friend to honour them. Something that I've been observing and noticing out there in the general society, is those with very fragile egos, and NPD type characteristics cannot stand being told what to do. There are lots of folks out there with entitlement issues and very shaky egos and as soon as you set a boundary with them, their mask falls off. This example of how she is behaving would be a big shock for me as well. But it is also information you need to know to decide what to do next.

If I had a friend like this, I'd definitely pull back and reassess. To be plain, she does not sound good for you. Even with all her charm and interesting qualities, she is showing you some disorder and she could really hurt you, with the possibility of her passing Covid but also, creating an atmosphere of stress as you worry about getting on her bad side and how that will play out - as you've seen her do with other of her former friends. You know what she is capable of. More information to sit with and then make a decision.

You have power to keep setting those boundaries. If she is an unhealthy person in your life, bring back the focus to yourself. How is this making you feel? It sounds like you feel awful. Note that. That is not the ingredients for a friendship.

As I've woken up to the disorder of family and certain friends in my life, it really hurts and then it begins a chain effect as soon as we start to set boundaries. This is unfair but almost inevitable when it comes to those with PD. But if you have even one person you can share your pain with, it helps. If you have no one, then perhaps a therapist and if you can't do that, there are so many great videos on youtube that will validate that you have the right to peace in your life and the power to tend to it.

But also as Bloomie says, you can share this process here. We are all very familiar with it. You are not alone.
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there is a confidence and tranquility." John O'Donohue

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lillylover

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Re: new here. a wreck over a long time "friend"
« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2020, 01:38:09 PM »
Thank you for your response Dear Hapetica.  It is really hard.  And yes I have been in an emotional fear state for a long time.    And as I've said sometimes I cry over the loss of what "was" so to speak.  I am worried and sad, yes. 

Yes more than ever people "out there" do have entitlement issues - I agree.  And with Sue who believes  she is better than others- typical entitled person ...also I see more and more her behaviors changing too over the years.  Worsening.    I see her getting more and more grandiose and more and more disparaging of the less fortunate.   I used to think she was somewhat evolved. Enlightened.   But I don't see that now.  Either I am seeing her with my eyes opened more. Or her brain is changing as she ages and not for the good.  Or both.  Whatever it is- she is not the person I thought she was. 

 My dh said that what she did yesterday was like a Chess move.    And I'm not even playing Chess.  Another thing that shook me up.   I want to tell her family I think something is wrong with her but I know better.  They know I've been a REALLY good friend to her.  But that won't help I know. And they will likely turn on me. She is their GC perhaps.  And she knows it.  She thinks she is everyone's GC in her large circle of friends.  Even when she mistreats others. I was like that too.  Seeing her as larger than life at most times.   :stars: 

I am not fully alone.  My dh is my ally re both family and Sue.  He has seen everything about all of them (thankfully) and has for all the years has seen much about Sue and how I gave her a pass way too often.  He sees that I am not giving her a pass now.  I have not giving her passes (plural) as  since Covid it's not just one thing she is doing.  It has become a series of things since I stopped seeing her when Covid came about and the mask issue arose. 

She is indeed creating an atmosphere of stress for me....and yes trying not to get on her bad side. I believe I have nonetheless landed  on her bad side however due to my new boundaries.  Avoiding Covid. Avoiding her.  So yes.  I am having trouble accepting all of this that is taking place.  I hope to work on this and keep hope that I could rise above some of this and be healthier.  I don't want her to steal my soul.  Though I will say that this feels gut wrenching presently.  It feels soul destroying.  I really need some help and useful tools put to use to rise above this.  It's not easy though. 

 So fortunately I won't get Covid from her because I won't go near her.  She got annoyed with me back in March and a few months later she (the nurse) actually  said to me over the phone that if I got Covid I'd be okay.   Here she is a nurse and suggesting that I put myself in harm's way... not so much to prove I am loyal to her (or maybe yes)....but I think she just wants her way.  She wants me to comply. 

Thank you for your advice about bringing the focus to myself.  I hope to do this.  I find myself ruminating.  And I can't stop the thoughts.   Prior to this I was already dealing with C-PTSD and now it's worsened.  Again I hope to improve by participating here.  And by using some of the tools and resources available. 

I'm so sorry that you have had disorders of your family and friends.   The family part can set us up for how we are in the world with others.  it does really hurt and yes to set boundaries sets of a chain effect.  And yes it is unfair.  I am seeing a therapist- just once so far and he knows lots about PDs but he seems to lack tools. So I'll see him when I need validation about the "chess" moves that Sue is into.

Thanks for the mention of Youtube. I do listen to some Youtube like Dr Ramani.  Since July.  And I read the comments. Yet to find this website OOTF feels like such a plus.  To be with others in this way. To be able to communicate and not feel alone. 

Thank you again for your kind and useful reply.  I can feel how you understand.  I so appreciate it. 
« Last Edit: December 16, 2020, 02:30:37 PM by lillylover »

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treesgrowslowly

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Re: new here. a wreck over a long time "friend"
« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2020, 06:28:46 PM »
Hi lillylover,

First, I am charmed by your chosen screen name. It always perks me up to see people who find a creative screen name like yours. :)

Man reading your situation I can sympathize. You write it out really well. 

So here we are. In a world with a lot of people who can relate here to your plight with Sue.

I don't doubt for one second that you are right... that Sue has the wool over lots of others eyes and that she's enmeshed - with people you care about. Narcs wind their way in to people lives quite effectively.

I believe that those of us who get tired of dealing with Sue have a lot of pain that others are working hard not to feel-  even when some  of them suspect that something in Sue is off.

Its sad not have have more allies who also see that Sue isn't who she pretends to be. But a lot of people go along to get along when there is a Sue in their group / family. It's maddening at times!!

It seems like there are a decent number of narcs who are in caring or helping professions like nursing. It is upsetting and confusing for us but for them it gives them this whole persona.

So seeing her true colours-  that is hard. That is really really hard. I feel for you. And knowing like you said, what can not be. Does it feel like she sort of promised one thing and then did a bait and switch in a way?

What I learned is that no matter what we do, once we see their true colours we are never the same. And this is sad and relieving but mostly angering first. Its a whole emotional process that you've described achingly well for us here. We get it. And you're not alone.

If she has shifted into discard behaviour what are your thoughts about that for yourself? How does it impact you and what are your fears? You don't have to write them here obviously but it is a cycle with a narc and the discard part of the cycle usually made me feel SO anxious about what will they do next? Are they truly gone or are they going to push themselves into my life again?

As for what she says about you to others...that's hard on the heart too. There are some narcs who have 'stories' about me. I told  myself that their story won't make sense to everyone...me having new boundaries isn't crazy to other people who have boundaries. That may not apply to your situation but maybe you can take solace in the fact that there are folks here who understand what you are dealing with right now.

My take on all this entitled self absorbed behaviour we are seeing so much of right now is that we survivors MUST stay aware of our own needs. Read up on different approaches to boundary work. Check out pinterest pins on 'what boundaries look like' or ' what boundaries sound like'. I find those really helpful as reminders of this work we must do to counter the self entitled people in our lives.

Hang in there and don't forget how many strengths you possess,

Trees


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lillylover

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Re: new here. a wreck over a long time "friend"
« Reply #6 on: December 19, 2020, 05:56:42 PM »
First, I am charmed by your chosen screen name. It always perks me up to see people who find a creative screen name like yours. :)
Dear treesgrowslowly,
Thank you.  When I saw your screen name I thought to myself - oh I love this name...very poetic...lovely...

Man reading your situation I can sympathize. You write it out really well. 

Thank you.

I don't doubt for one second that you are right... that Sue has the wool over lots of others eyes and that she's enmeshed - with people you care about. Narcs wind their way in to people lives quite effectively.

Sue has been in my life for decades.  And the thing is she was never this poorly behaved.  Yes I gave her passes over the years for her treatment of me.   Now I do  wonder if something is wrong with her brain. I don't know how to understand how this works otherwise. She is going south faster and faster.   In the past 4 years she has gotten worse and worse. Then this year she has gone way beyond where she was prior.  I don't think her life is any more stressful. And truthfully she is one who has everything she ever wanted.  That said her need to be grandiose is at it's highest level too. So that is hand in hand with the acceleration of her Narc behaviors .  But all said I am still in a very muddled place.  Trying to grasp this.  Feeling overwhelmed.  As I've said as well- so upset and thrown. Well freaked out I think if I am to be honest.  She has become really mean.  And she is pushing me away yet wonders why I am more distant.  She has zero insight. She is never the cause of the Effect.  She is acting like my GC PD sister now, the one who I went NC with and got in trouble for that and seen as the bad guy. 

Its sad not have have more allies who also see that Sue isn't who she pretends to be. But a lot of people go along to get along when there is a Sue in their group / family. It's maddening at times!! 

This is so true.  It is very maddening!   I just can't get over how many people in the community think she walks on water!!  When we would do things- Sue and I before Covid- out in public - like at a restaurant or be at a store- always always people were coming up to her and giving her hugs.  Oh how nice it is for them to see her they'd say.  Like she is a celebrity.    She just soaks it in. Takes it all for granted I think....but not sure. So confusing. 


So seeing her true colours-  that is hard. That is really really hard. I feel for you. And knowing like you said, what can not be. Does it feel like she sort of promised one thing and then did a bait and switch in a way?

I'm afraid I don't know if it was bait and switch.  I've known her for so long like decades. Hmmm.  I will have to think about that. 

If she has shifted into discard behaviour what are your thoughts about that for yourself? How does it impact you and what are your fears? You don't have to write them here obviously but it is a cycle with a narc and the discard part of the cycle usually made me feel SO anxious about what will they do next? Are they truly gone or are they going to push themselves into my life again?
She might be shifting into discard but I'm not sure but  it all still  feels terrible and yes makes me angry.  Yet I am sad. I am dismayed. I am disappointed . I have zero control. I have a lot of trouble grasping the truth of what "is"now .  I cannot believe the way this is playing out.  I hate that she  is a bully to me now but that she doesn't even realize that she bullies.   That part feels terrible. I feel confused.  I feel rattled.  Like you said about you I feel very anxious too about what will she do next.  Thanks for sharing that with me although I"m sorry you had to go through that.  It's a horrible feeling.  It's  like hearing that Jack In The Box music ALWAYS PLAYING and just waiting and worrying...and never knowing when that scary thing is going to pop out.   :aaauuugh:   I hate it.  I freak out when her name shows up on caller ID.  My cortisol levels are sky high.  I am often in  fight or flight.  I keep my ringer off.  But I look at caller ID out of nervousness to see if she called.  What a wreck I have become.   :stars:  I feel so opposite of what I crave. Calm. Peace. Harmony.  And all that. 

As for what she says about you to others...that's hard on the heart too. There are some narcs who have 'stories' about me. I told  myself that their story won't make sense to everyone...me having new boundaries isn't crazy to other people who have boundaries. That may not apply to your situation but maybe you can take solace in the fact that there are folks here who understand what you are dealing with right now.

Thank you for how you put this about the stories that she could be telling about me. That is something to think about.  It's amazing to me about the folks here.  That there actually are those who get this.  I am stunned at how many members are here in similar situations that get this. 

My take on all this entitled self absorbed behaviour we are seeing so much of right now is that we survivors MUST stay aware of our own needs. Read up on different approaches to boundary work. Check out pinterest pins on 'what boundaries look like' or ' what boundaries sound like'. I find those really helpful as reminders of this work we must do to counter the self entitled people in our lives.

I did go to pinterest after reading your post to me. There are always good quotes there. There is something that came to me I heard on Oprah years back. That a relationship can only be as healthy as the LEAST healthy person in the relationship.  I have to learn to see Sue as unhealthy.   Crazy as that sound with me joining this forum. 

Thank you trees for taking the time to write to me. Hugs.

Hang in there and don't forget how many strengths you possess,
« Last Edit: December 19, 2020, 05:58:57 PM by lillylover »

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lillylover

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Re: new here. a wreck over a long time "friend"
« Reply #7 on: December 19, 2020, 09:43:45 PM »
Just to clarify something.    I was reading over my posts and see something confusing that I wrote.  i'm sorry to be so confusing.  I am really tired....presently   :stars:

Sue was changing in the past 4 years but not so much toward  me.  And the past 4 years - this change in her-  I only see in retrospect cuz of her behavior toward me since Covid began..whereby she turned  on me and then she got worse and worse as I pulled back- and went more and more LC. 

At any rate- She was behaved okay enough with me for 3 years prior to this HUGE change...this Huge change etc  which is  ruining me and which led me here.  The changes I see in her now going back 4 years equate to the upping of her PD behaviors mostly target to others.   Although I did give her passes too but she wasn't like how she became in the past year which brought me here.  At any rate we go way back and I can also see that for a long time - way back she had N tendencies for sure and I was affected by them but gave her passes. 

Just wanted to see if I could explain better....Hope I did but I may still sound confusing.  Hope not.  :P
Thank you....

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treesgrowslowly

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Re: new here. a wreck over a long time "friend"
« Reply #8 on: December 20, 2020, 10:53:11 AM »
Hi lillylover

That does make sense to me.

It probably isn't a bait and switch like a lovebombing situation where a narcissist tuns on their charm for a few months and then their true colors are seen after they feel they've reeled us in.

What you describe is that Sue has changed and now you're trying to deal with that.

I think you are doing the right thing by writing about it and sorting out what this all means for you right now emotionally and also what it means for your social life and friendships in the future with the people around Sue.

No one deserves this and it hurts a lot. It takes time to sort out the stuff you've mentioned amidst the shock of it all.

Trees

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lillylover

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Re: new here. a wreck over a long time "friend"
« Reply #9 on: December 20, 2020, 12:27:02 PM »
Thank you treesgrowslowly for your encouragement to continue write about this-  to sort it out.  I am going to do this for sure.  And yes this does indeed hurt a LOT.   I will   continue to sort out the stuff even though I hate this whole thing and yes amidst the shock  :blink: of it all.  And at time anger  >:(

Again TY



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lillylover

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Re: new here. a wreck over a long time "friend"
« Reply #10 on: January 25, 2021, 12:53:36 PM »
Hello again,
I am bringing this thread back up as I am still having difficulties with this dissolving friendship issue.  "Sue".   I have been in very LC. 

One day however about 3 weeks ago we talked on the phone for quite a while.  She called me.  The whole time I had high anxiety.  Knots in my stomach. I was aware all the while that this  is a sign of things being wrong in a friendship for me to be so anxious like this.  (this realization to me = getting  a learning curve).   So I was waiting for her to say something that Narcs say.  Stuff that she would say for her specific Narc personality.

No matter what she might have said if that happened I knew that there was nothing  I could say back without her doing more of her narc thing.  It's a no win situation. She said nothing however like this.  But she wasn't her old self.  Nor could I be.   I needed to take a brisk walk after. I had fight of flight going on.  Had to walk some of that off 

I am still not over the way this friendship took the turn as it did.  So last week I made a call to her to assuage her which I know is not progress.  I left a mssg as she didn't get her phone.  I have not heard back.  So this makes me edgy.   The quiet. 

The other thing is that we used to exchange gifts but we agreed not to do this anymore.  She was always very appreciate like a child with what I would give her.  She was easy to buy for. 

Nonetheless in spite of the agreement to end gift giving -  I went out and bought her some goodies from a fancy sweet shop because part of me is still is in this mode- the old mode of what WAS. 

I know what I bought her are her very favs.   Two Gourmet items.   I would have had to send them to her cuz of Covid.  I won't be with her due to her lackadaisical attitude about Covid.  I can't take the risk. 

But about these sweet gifts.  I then after a couple day went by ( hadn't mailed them yet) began thinking that well in  truth she doesn't deserve this - what I bought for her.    Because she is not the "old her".  She is not that Sue anymore-  who I liked to give gifts to.  . 

So I put the items into my chest of drawers where I put gifts that are yet to be given.  They were  packaged in cellophane. Two separate items both of which  I know she LOVES.  About a week later I opened one package and what was in that cellophane package and ate the contents over 2 days.  I wanted something sweet and there were these things. 

And while eating them I felt like TOO BAD FOR HER which isn't like ME to be this way.  It's still new.  But yes so that part.  Nonetheless I felt like it isn't proper anymore to give her these gifts.   Yes because of the agreement but mostly because she has been so unkind to me. And so uncaring.  And not the old "Sue" anymore.  And more. A few days later I ate the other package and and ate that over the next 3 days.  In retrospect it was right to NOT give her the gifts.   

  Yet again it felt sad to me to feel this way.    It is a loss on top of a monumental loss which I referred to in my first post of this thread.  That monumental loss (death) I cry about every day.   It was about a year and a half ago.  I'll never get over this loss.

The thing is for a while Sue was so comforting to me..while my dear one was ill.  I could cry in front of her when I spoke of the illness.  And  after too - after this death.  Sometimes Sue would  get tears along with me and even take my hand or hug me.

How could someone ( Sue) who could get tears for me and be comforting then become like she has become??   Now she shows nothing but COLDNESS about my loss. I don't go there with her anymore. 

Yet when I look back over the years I see how this friend could be uncaring and cold for windows of time.  Just bratty.  And I would give her passes as I've said before in this thread.  Just to keep her in my life.  I can see what I can see about her over the years.  I am trying to catch on to what "is" even though I say it hurts a lot  the way things ended up.  The way they are.

It was her birthday about a 5 weeks ago and I was talking to her on that day for a short while just to say Happy Birthday. I used to be with her on her birthday. And the reverse.

 I told her just before hanging up to have a wonderful time on her birthday.  Instead of saying thank you as the old "Sue"  would have, instead she said in a haughty, snappy tone  I INTEND TOO!!!!   

This haughty, snappy tone and the words themselves were in reference to me not being with her on HER BIRTHDAY. SUE THE GODDESS.  It was about ME keeping  safe due to Covid as I am prone to disastrous effects should I get that which is what started this whole thing - Sue being angry at me (as I mentioned above) for me not putting her first and for me pretending that Covid isn't good (for me in particular)  to get.  She knows my health history but won't factor that in. 

And based on things  she said has said to me along the way- I know she would get angry with me  (Offended) for me wearing a mask for instance should we get in the same car.  And in other close quarters.   I know I have spoken of this here in this tread. 

I don't know!  I think I am making progress in ways.  I'm nor sure.  I am seeing some of what I need to see.  But this is NOT easy.  Just NOT easy.  I hate it. 

Thank you for reading.



« Last Edit: January 25, 2021, 01:06:00 PM by lillylover »

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lillylover

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Re: new here. a wreck over a long time "friend"
« Reply #11 on: February 12, 2021, 12:50:40 PM »
  I need to tell a story I haven't told to get it out of my system about this same friend.

We haven't spoken in about a month now.  I have been discarded by "Sue". 

I need to tell the story that I omitted in my prior posts due to privacy but now I must let that worry go about privacy. She will never look here at this website.

 Last March she came to my house when Covid was becoming a real worry.  She announced upon getting here that she had awakened with a slight sore throat and slight cough. A dry cough.  I have to imagine that she knew that her dry cough was a possible sign of Covid.  She knew all about Covid.

The other thing as I have mentioned is that she knows I am immune compromised but it is more convenient for her (selfish) to act like this isn't so. To me if she was a true, caring friend,  she should't be here if coming down with anything (even if no Covid) for I catch everything and get way more sick than another might.  If she was a normal, caring person she would have asked me if I wanted to reschedule our time together.

On that day she came I knew  that I wasn't allowed (and unspoken rules of the friendship) to say something about her being here with the beginnings of an illness.  Even if I said it nicely. NO WAY.

 I was very nervous with her here since people were already in the hospitals intubated etc.  So I never said anything outright. Though once and while I did allude to Covid as we were talking about it all along prior to that  visit here.  Just the mere mention of Covid  by me in slight ways- 2x - had her YELL at me.  I hadn't heard her YELL at me like this ever.  I wasn't insinuating that she might have had it nor was I saying anything insinuating that she shouldn't be in my presence.  Just alluding to Covid in minor ways for we had prior in conversations talked about it in large ways.

Each time ( 2x) I alluded to Covid she responded with an angry  >:( >:( >:( I WILL LEAVE IF YOU WANT ME TO!!! >:( >:( >:(

 That tone was to shut me up as it felt like a strong warning that I would lose her.  And it felt as if she would never come again to my house.  It was scary the way she acted.  That kind defensiveness to this degree on her end has never been so blatant as it was that day.   Not with me- not that kind of loud anger.   So to me at that time my job was to then say something each time to assuage her to keep her a as a friend.  To not lose her.  I was angry at her thought but kept a smile on my face. 

So she stayed the day and I was being very careful to avoid any physical contact with her. Or with her teacup after she touched it etc.  Then after she left I picked up her teacup and what else she used using a glove and I sprayed bleach and water on anything she could have touched.

Three days later she called me up and left a message and she was very hoarse and sounded congested.  She said she had spent the day with another friend  who btw has health issues too.  I thought how selfish and inconsiderate. But I would never say this to her. 

 Then 2 days later she called me up and left another mssg (she calls btw often when she knows I'm not home). This voice mssg was so gaslighting.  It was her saying BELIEVE IT OR NOT I'M SICK!!!!

That message made me furious.  Of course she was F-ing sick. She was coming down with something while at my house.  And she was hoarse and congested 3 days after being here- clearly evident in her message.   Over the days she got sicker and sicker.  She was in bed sick.  We were still speaking regularly then.  I remained upset with her but kept it to myself.  (To this day I never mentioned anything).  She admitted to me it could be Covid but pretended it came on suddenly.  But no testing was avail then yet.   Because I can't say anything to her- it became my job  to PRETEND that she hadn't been coming down with this when she was at my house.
Yet  I was so angry at how she was gaslighting me.  And how I had to keep my mouth shut about her exposing me to Covid so as to keep the friendship going.  She was sick for one month. I hate pretending.  I grew up forced to do this.  Pretend I didn't see or experience what I did.  All the days of my growing up.  Pretend. Pretend. Pretend.  But when you hold stuff in- it eats you up inside. With this stuff re Sue I felt like I wanted to SCREAM OUT WHAT WAS WHAT.  But I stuffed it. Again it still remains stuffed thus why I am here saying it out loud today. 

So she got better and restrictions had been put into place by the governor. Masks were mandatory if going to the store etc.  She was so happy for the restrictions that came about for she didn't have to go to work and she could work in her garden and for the first time early and get it all ready for bloom time. She said this was a luxury for her.  That went on for 2 months. 

Then she said she couldn't wait for  restrictions to lift.  That happened and more people got sicker.   

This is when she started harassing me to get together with her but I knew that if I wore a mask for instance in her house or car I would be admonished.  She would get offended and ANGRY.   

In July Sue TOLD me about another friend who did do this - wore a mask and "Sue" got so angry with her (she told me about this and how she "punished" her). This friend was trying to avoid Covid for she was going to visit her sick mother (flying) but Sue couldn't respect the need for the mask for the friend. Ultimately however the friend who was brought up like me to give passes caved.  "Sue" told me how finally the friend was acting "normal" and NOT wearing the mask around her.

Anyway along the way "Sue" - without me directly saying it that I was avoiding Covid to her (God forbid I actually say it).  She "informed" me that I would be FINE if I got it.  Remember btw she is nurse.  She knows I see an immune specialist.  And I am compromised.  And at high risk for the worse case scenario.  WHO tries to cajole another to take the risk to get Covid!!!  What kind of person does that! 

So this is all what is at the basis of the issue that has divided us.   I know I mentioned some this before but I had to get out the remaining things.
1.How she came to my house and put me at risk. 
2.How she remains anti-mask at least in her presence. 
3. How I had to pretend that she wasn't already coming down with something when she came to my house and pretend she got sick when SHE announced it in her gaslighting way. 
4. And that she said  I'd be fine with getting Covid when she knows I am at risk.  That she actually came out and said it.
5. And more...

Not sure but maybe I think that comment that I would be fine if I got Covid was to cover her tracks for being here that day when she was coming down with it. As was the harassment for me to get together with her with her rules (no mask) so that I could continue to be her N supply.  She actually would admonish me. 

 I feel anger and loss.  I think my anger is overshadowing the loss. But there is both. 

Does this ever feel better?  Truthfully at times I am glad to not be speaking to her. Yet "her" is the newer morphed person.  As I said in a prior post she wasn't this bad until about a year ago.  It all feels like such crazy making to my brain.  Her behavior.  And that she is holding me responsible for the divide in us.  And that I am discarded for not succumbing to her harassments to get together.   Even though I know more about her- how Narc she has become- way more than ever.  It's like I know intellectually but in another way I haven't caught up to my intellect.   

 I'm thankful for a place to send my feelings and thoughts to.  I have stuffed too much in my life and stuffing this instead of speaking up (not a good idea- risk of smear campaign) to Sue is making me have nightmares now about her.  So I came here today. 

Thank you for reading.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2021, 01:13:43 PM by lillylover »