My narcissist husband may go to prison (can't make this stuff up)!

[victoriousladyJj]

I can't believe this is even happening! I've been with my husband for 5 years married for 3. He has  classical features of a narcissist with the grandiose sense of self and magical thinking. He's a master of looking like the "nice guy". People will  often go out of  their way to tell me how "lucky" I am to be with him and how "perfect"  he is. He's literally cultivated this identity of being altruistic, to the point of serving on retirement boards and working in the   social services field. However, no one sees the gaslighting, pathological lies, narcissistic rage, and criticism that I put up with constantly. My codependency and people pleasing nature have made it virtually impossible for me to be able to simply walk away from this guy even though he's never laid a hand on me. He has a way of holding me captive mentally (I guess that's what brings us all here). At the beginning of year I sat in my closet praying and asking God that if I'm not meant to be with this  man that he'd just leave, be taken away....and, oh the  irony!...turns out his lies and games have all caught up with him. Because he may be going away to prison very soon! I'll try to make a long story short: he's a liar and has always withheld information. Everything comes out in pieces over time. At the beginning of out relationship he mentioned that he had something on his background...then later mentioned it was a warrant for writing a bad check when he was younger. Admittedly, I accept blame in being so naïve in the courtship (love bombing) phase of our relationship. I was young and inexperienced so when he told me he had "something" on his background but it wasn't a "big deal" , however, it sometimes affected him getting  jobs, I didn't dig too much further because he presented himself as so honest and good. He made this warrant sound like nothing more than a speeding ticket he would eventually have to show up and pay.

Last Friday following the results of a job turning him down due to this  "something" on his record he delivered the bombshell to me: this warrant is for 10 counts of felony fraud (uttering and publishing, as well as, forgery!). He can actually be sentenced to life in prison as all hold a minimum of 1-14 years in prison for each count if convicted. Unbelievable! Of course, he occasionally places the blame on me for why he's turning himself as I've pressured him to basically work and provide. So he's turning himself in on this warrant for our future because once its resolved it'll simply wipe the slate clean for him and he'll be able to do and be all these things he believes he'll be. He is soooo narcissistic and irrational he really believes he's going to wiggle his way out of this by talking about all his "good" acts (i.e., he's an army veteran, has a bachelors degree and is married). Now, I feel even more used. This all seems like a life he's crafted for himself for the soul purpose of fighting this case. To make matters worse, this isn't his first and only charge, he has a handful of others for the SAME thing. Some found him guilty, some were dropped. Granted, these all occurred 10-15 years ago for him.

What's crazy is this is all coming at a VERY convenient time being that our lease in this state ends in 2 months time and we were planning to move back to my home state to be closer to my family. Whether he manages to wiggle his way out of this or not, I'm still planning to leave him and definitely won't be returning to my home state with him. Enough is ENOUGH. In the meantime, I'm playing along with his fantasy letting him believe I'll stay with him and wait for him if he serves time, but as soon as he's taken away I'll be having him served with divorce papers. I'll surprise him the way he has surprised me. If I thought I could leave him just through of mature convo I would, but as many know with PDs they will do anything to make you stay (yell, cry, threaten suicide) and I just cant do take the mental manipulation anymore. If he manages not to go to prison, I'll continue as though we are preparing to move out of state and the closer we get I plan to back my bags one day while he's at work and leave. I'll have him served at work.  Someone on here said something along the lines at "when you see an opening you have to take it" and this is definitely my opening!

Sorry so long and thanks for reading. It feels good to get this off my chest and I can't share it with anyone.

[Boat Babe]

Wow, that's a ton of the brown stuff. You must be feeling a hurricane of cortisol and adrenaline right now. I am glad that you have a very good handle on your situation, what you need to do and how you will go about it.

It is imperative that your husband doesn't catch a whiff of what you are planning as he could turn very nasty indeed and you may find yourself in physical danger.  Be guided by this as you navigate this very difficult time.

People here have gone through similar trials and have come out the other side. Once you are free you can then focus on healing from this horrific experience and on building a great life for yourself. Keep in touch for support.❤️

[victoriousladyJj]

Wow, that's a ton of the brown stuff. You must be feeling a hurricane of cortisol and adrenaline right now. I am glad that you have a very good handle on your situation, what you need to do and how you will go about it.

It is imperative that your husband doesn't catch a whiff of what you are planning as he could turn very nasty indeed and you may find yourself in physical danger.  Be guided by this as you navigate this very difficult time.

People here have gone through similar trials and have come out the other side. Once you are free you can then focus on healing from this horrific experience and on building a great life for yourself. Keep in touch for support.❤️

My stomach has been doing back flips for days. I have to stop myself from being so focused on his court case, possible sentencing and etc and instead stay focused on myself and my plan to leave. Its tough to remain composed. I've experienced emotions from shock to anger. what is helping me is confiding in my best friend (a real secret keeper) and she really help me to laugh about it all.

[Prototypian]

I'm so very sorry to read all of that.  I'm sorry you have to deal with it and be with this man and sort things out for yourself and potentially for him in some ways.   I'm sorry he didn't learn many years ago about lies and illegal acts and I'm sorry that he may go to prison.

My biggest recommendation is to see an attorney as soon as you can.   Do not tell any lies for him even slight manipulations of character witness if asked.   Go back through as many documents as you have about financial statements, tax filings, employment you have had and any purchases you have made with him and out all of that organized information either with an attorney or scanned and stored somewhere that you can always access it.   

I know I'm not one to give advice since I obviously have stuck with a severe OCPD individual despite terrible effects on me and my kids but I would seriously consider full No Contact with this man, have him only speak to you through an attorney and take the advice of an attorney.   The financial cost could be high but the value that an attorney advising and protecting you will 100 percent pay off in the long term in dissociating from a man who has the potential to wreck a lot of your future.   The thing I see from the top level is the manipulation of finances both to fraudulently make money and the narcissistic desire to protect himself.   He could ask and try to co vince you to cover for him, hide things and become part of his severely out of world schemes.   

Please consider sharing your full story and the details to a lawyer and escaping with your finances, background and future life clear and clean.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[pushit]

Jsinjin nailed it.  Protect yourself first and protect yourself now.  You can put this in the past and have a bright future ahead with a fantastic learning lesson under your belt, or possibly get sucked into his problems that will lead to bigger problems for you.

[Stillirise]

 
To all of the above....

I would like to add my positive vibes and well wishes to you, as you navigate this huge dumpster fire.

I have some pretty crazy stories within my FOO, regarding legal issues.  Between that, and being in the midst of a divorce from stbxUPDh, I have a couple practical suggestions.  In addition to the recommendations above, and after talking to an attorney, I would suggest removing from your home any easily hidden valuables that are yours personally—jewelry, financial documents, personal documents, cash, along with anything sentimental, (grandma's china, etc), if you can do so without him noticing.   This is to ease your mind about the slim chance that your property could be seized as part of his case, or that he could "snap."  I have a few things like this spread among a couple different, very trusted, people.  I did it a little at a time, and the stbx never noticed.  I plan to keep things were they are, until the divorce is final.

Before I got the stbx out of the home, I also kept a "bug out" bag ready at all times, in case my long-game plan was derailed.  It contained changes of clothes for myself and the children, some copies of important documents, and a little cash.  I kept it hidden, but readily accessible. I also kept an extra set of car keys hidden in the garage.  The kids and I had a "bug out" word, and a meeting place, if we had to leave the house separately.   I know I probably sound paranoid, but knowing I had these plans in place actually helped me calm my anxiety during that very tumultuous time—when the brown stuff was hitting the fan, and slinging in every direction.

Most of us here have not always been in the habit of putting ourselves first.  That's how we ended up in the relationships we are in. However, it does get better on the other side. You sound like you are grounded in reality, ready to do what you need to do, and realize it won't be easy.   We are here for support when you need us.

[victoriousladyJj]

I'm so very sorry to read all of that.  I'm sorry you have to deal with it and be with this man and sort things out for yourself and potentially for him in some ways.   I'm sorry he didn't learn many years ago about lies and illegal acts and I'm sorry that he may go to prison.

My biggest recommendation is to see an attorney as soon as you can.   Do not tell any lies for him even slight manipulations of character witness if asked.   Go back through as many documents as you have about financial statements, tax filings, employment you have had and any purchases you have made with him and out all of that organized information either with an attorney or scanned and stored somewhere that you can always access it.   

I know I'm not one to give advice since I obviously have stuck with a severe OCPD individual despite terrible effects on me and my kids but I would seriously consider full No Contact with this man, have him only speak to you through an attorney and take the advice of an attorney.   The financial cost could be high but the value that an attorney advising and protecting you will 100 percent pay off in the long term in dissociating from a man who has the potential to wreck a lot of your future.   The thing I see from the top level is the manipulation of finances both to fraudulently make money and the narcissistic desire to protect himself.   He could ask and try to co vince you to cover for him, hide things and become part of his severely out of world schemes.   

Please consider sharing your full story and the details to a lawyer and escaping with your finances, background and future life clear and clean.

thanks for the feedback and advice. Thankfully these charges are very old and long before we were ever together. I will consider seeking some legal council to see what they may suggest. Indeed, what really woke me up and revolted me was him wanting me to be a part of his new schemes by writing a letter to the job position that rejected him, basically saying he has no idea what they were talking about. And even crazier, for a moment I felt bad for him and considered doing it. But then something really snapped in me and I told him" No! If you write that it is a lie!" Looking in his eyes I could see that he just didn't get it. That his character was flawed. Even if he wasn't a narcissist, I have to remember that I do not have to be with anyone who is not a match for me and does not line up with my core beliefs and values. I kick myself for allowing and overlooking past deceptions but this is really the last straw for me and I couldn't live with myself if I stayed. 

[Prototypian]

I think it's normal to feel sorry for anyone in terrible situations and being a human with compassion is very normal and perfectly ok.   The concern in this case is that he probably understands the ways to manipulate you.   I think that the key for you with all of this protection and the recommended  legal steps is to ensure that you do not get manipulated or inadvertently sucked into his desperation.   A PD will often do anything to avoid consequences for their actions and can paint a false scenario in their heads even imagining they are a victim.   I will say prayers for you and for him but my recommendation to you is to move your documents, finances and life as far away as possible and go NC while his mess is sorted out.   It's not your mess and you have to let him sort it out because he was never truthful to you about the mess.

[1footouttadefog]

Consider one of those identity insurances.  And or getting the credot bureaus to put your credit on fraud alert. 

Life Lock and Xander are examoles of this. Theu put fraid status on your credit buruea reports so no new credit lines can be taken out without your input.

It could be inconvieniemt if you need to take our a new charge card bit it might help you protect from him using your ss number and credit history for his own gain.   

[Bunnyme]

Any update?  Have charges been filed?

[victoriousladyJj]

Any update?  Have charges been filed?

Update: Thanks everyone for the suggestions and support. This has been a lot to deal with but I'm so blessed to have support from my family and friends. Everything is unfortunately backed up because of covid and things are being done much different in the court system. His initial arraignment is going to be done virtually and not until the last week of January. We met with his attorney last week and it actually appears he has a good chance of facing no jail time at all and only probation or even dismissal. We looked at the arrest records and the 5 checks he forged when he was 20 years old were for very minimal amounts of money..one is like 14 bucks for pizza the highest is 500 for rent, all which they can justify because their story is he was kicked out of his house and facing homelessness at this time. So courts do take into account victims circumstances. Now don't get my tone wrong, I am not at all encouraged to stay with him, but this news does somehow make me feel less bad about leaving him and knowing he won't rot in prison...kind of like my leaving won't make a WORSE narcissistic injury verses if he was feeling like he would be going to prison in addition to me leaving him. It removes a lot of my fear... I'm sure I sound silly but that's unfortunately the "too nice" "people pleaser" in me that needs some confirmation that I'm not hurting someone too much.

After hearing this news a few weeks ago, he revealed more of his irrational, immature and delusional traits. He started taking out loans and credit cards and spending money we didn't have, even making plans to go back to school to obtain a degree he ultimately won't be able to use because he does have a felony record and won't be able to get a professional license (all facts he chooses to ignore). He's future faking a LOT with me, letting me know how once X happens and "we get through this" everything will be so perfect for us and I'll have everything I want (its actually sickening to think I've put up with this so long). If anything, working on these divorce papers and the financial disclosures has made me realize how much I am NOT able to continue wasting time and resources basically taking care of a grown mans fantasies of grandeur and cleaning up his mistakes and lies. I have 6 figures of student loan debt myself and need to worry about my own debts, not taking on his.

This lesson is teaching me so much in terms of self worth and I feel great about finally standing up for myself. A couple of instances I could tell he was trying to bait me in to revealing if I want to leave him or not, but I just ignored it like nothing was going on. Now he's back to "planning our future" and our move while I've already given notice to my job and am slowly planning my move out of state back home to live with my mom and sisters in 20 days! I'm actually very excited to get back to my own life and worry about me! I'm only 31 so I feel like I have a lot of life to live and am so excited for my future. I feel strangely grateful for this experience because I will never allow myself to get into something like this again.