Questions

[FightingNarcAbuse]

Hi,

I would like to ask the following questions: how do you see abuse directed to you through a third party and what would you do about it if you suspected it?

[bloomie]

Hi there. Welcome to Out of the FOG.

There are many ways to experience abuse and many strategies for dealing with it. Could you share a bit more to help us more specifically understand your questions?

Also, since you are new here I wanted to invite you to head over to the Welcome Mat and introduce yourself to the community and let us know a bit about what brings you here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=1.0

[FightingNarcAbuse]

Thanks for your response. I have initially provided details but deleted due to privacy concerns. Basically, I suspect that my mother and sibling with whom I am not in contact have found my address and have found at least one neighbor to stalk me. I also suspect they have got through to an organization I was receiving services from. Said organization then linked me to others that are asking me to provide personal documents. It is not entirely out of the ordinary to submit these documents to establish eligibility but these are some of the documents my mother was asking for months ago and I refused to give it to her. So, needless to say this is triggering and the anxiety o get over the possibility that these documents will get passed to her makes me want to back out the process. So, I feel manipulated either way because if I don't submit, I fear the consequences. So, I am not Out of the FOG. To be out, means to trust my intuition that she is behind the scenes and not submit this personal documents, setting a boundary.

What would you advise?

[bloomie]

Thanks for your response. I have initially provided details but deleted due to privacy concerns. Basically, I suspect that my mother and sibling with whom I am not in contact have found my address and have found at least one neighbor to stalk me. I also suspect they have got through to an organization I was receiving services from. Said organization then linked me to others that are asking me to provide personal documents. It is not entirely out of the ordinary to submit these documents to establish eligibility but these are some of the documents my mother was asking for months ago and I refused to give it to her. So, needless to say this is triggering and the anxiety o get over the possibility that these documents will get passed to her makes me want to back out the process. So, I feel manipulated either way because if I don't submit, I fear the consequences. So, I am not Out of the FOG. To be out, means to trust my intuition that she is behind the scenes and not submit this personal documents, setting a boundary.

What would you advise?

Hi there - thank you for helping us understand the context of your question and also for protecting your privacy here by using discretion as you share. So, well done. Many here change up details enough to make them unrecognizable but still able to share the gist of their circumstances. Your caution is warranted.

Learning to trust ourselves is a part of the work of coming Out of the FOG. Self advocacy and questioning 'organizations' and perceived gatekeepers to services or resources we need is part of that process of reclaiming the confidence that has been eroded by those who refuse to recognize and respect our separateness and rights to privacy.

Are you able to confirm that those who are requiring sensitive documents from you are doing so legitimately? Have you inquired how they safeguard your sensitive information and who has access to this and why they may need these docs?

In other words, can you push in and get assurances that your privacy is safeguarded in such a way that would reassure you enough to go forward and get what you need?

[Adria]

Trust your gut instincts, and if you can, distance yourself from all parties and start over with a different agency if possible.

[FightingNarcAbuse]

Bloomie and Adria, thank you to both of you for replies. Part of me wants to call in the support line and ask about privacy and safeguards. I have bad experience with personal information being past along or used to extract additional information.

My gut instincts tell me to distance myself from all parties. There are several involved and among other red flags, they seem to synchronize with each other, which makes the harrasment, however subtle, the more disturbing. I received emails from two of the parties today with one texting multiple times.

I believe family is behind the scenes. They have studied me for years, my strenghts, weaknesses, what gets to me, sensitizing me.  Based on these, they engineered situations to elicit an emotional response. Now that i am no longer in contact, they are going through third parties, who in the process provided intermittent positive rewards (e.g., food, gifts, toys etc.) coupled boundary/privacy violation, which does not feel good.

Part of me wants to call in and ask about privacy safeguards. In the past, my mother asked me for lease, bank account info etc. I refused. Now, at a later time, i am being asked to submit these very documents. Under different history, i would view this request strictly as part of the process to establish eligibility. But with my experience, my gut instinct tells me something is not right and to distance myself.

[Phoenix Rising]

If I understood your initial question correctly, one way to see it is to evaluate how it feels to you, if possible. The way abusers continue to abuse by proxy is so hard for those on the outside to see. For e.g., my NPDex called child protective services on me every other week for three years! When it happened the first few months, most people just shrugged it off. Said he had the legal right to phone at any time. But as it continued well into a year then two then three, the same people came to understand that he was terrorizing the kids and I. Sadly I wasn't living in a province where such behaviour is criminally actionable. I gather that in some states in the US actually allow police intervention for this kind of nonsense.

From what I read of your situation, I would ask questions of this org/agency and verify why they need the information and who would have access to it. Usually, there is some fine print or a disclosure that you would have to sign in order for them to share the information with anyone else. I think inquiring about this with them may affirm which direction you will choose to go. You might even want to self-disclose, if you feel to, that you have fled abuse and want to ensure your personal information is protected. You have the right to know to whom and where your information is going as well as how it will be used. You may decide too to find whatever services is being provided through someone else. I don't know if it's possible for you  but just a thought.

[IRedW77]

You could also find another similar agency (if one exists) and inquire about their policies and requirements and compare the two.

Also, if you're any good at doing a bit of research you can look into HOW these agencies make their decisions.

Depending on what you're talking about there are often state or federal (if you're in U.S.) regulations that agencies have to follow.

You can find these rules and regulations with some searching and maybe see whether what they're asking for makes sense.

If you're searching you may also find attorneys that represent people that are trying to get help from specific agencies. They often have FAQs and things like that on their websites that can be valuable for general information.

Lastly, your questions might be quite basic for someone that deals with this stuff regularly. You might find even a secretary in a legal office that could answer questions for you. Make a few calls—you just need to know exactly what your questions are and find someone friendly. You can probably tell in 30 seconds if someone is going to be helpful or not.