Elderly PD Funeral

[Sapling]

My elderly aunt passed away this week. All her life she has been a uPD nightmare to deal with and to add to the equation, her husband was also a uOCPD and they have no children so we are the next of kin. She was suffering from dementia and in some ways it was a relief to see her pass away peacefully.

Needless to say I have very mixed feelings about the whole thing AND I am MC-ing the memorial service. I agreed to do this and I think I will do a good job of keeping the ceremony simple and respectful without being dishonest or sentimental. My eldest sib was also volunteered by my Mum to "say a few words" about her even though he has been VLC with her for years. I am dreading having to see the whole family there. A lot of my Mum's family have fleas as a result of being raised in the household they were raised in. I think my mum too, has a major case of fleas rather than being an actual N.

I have already shouted at my other elderly aunt because she chose the week of the funeral to start complaining about the nursing home she is in (despite being happy with the place for 10 years already! Now suddenly she wants to be moved immediately, claiming 'I'll only live for one or two years more so why should I suffer?'  ) The problem? She doesn't like her new room mate. She doesn't just want to move rooms though. She wants a whole new aged care facility.

It has been an exhausting week. It has also been an exhausting year because this was the year I actually started to emerge from the FOG and realised that I was dealing with PD behavior in my sister and in my immediate social circle. I am running on empty at the moment. I will have to see this sister at the funeral. She will pretend everything is ok between us but her behavior has hurt me so deeply and I am still processing that hurt.

I also feel a lot of grief over the relationships that could have been with my Mum's family. I feel for my Mum because I know what she's had to deal with and how that shaped the way she behaves now. I feel for myself because all these PD relatives take up so much damn energy and space in my life and they don't care about how many years of your life they waste. Mostly, I am just angry that I am going to participate in a kind of charade when all the things I want to say will be left unsaid so that other people can carry on pretending they are normal when they are not. Sigh.

[SunnyMeadow]

These PD people really do take up so much space and energy in our lives Sapling! I agree and it makes me angry.

I like that you're keeping the ceremony simple and respectful without being dishonest or sentimental. I'm going to keep this in mind for when my time comes. They truly are exhausting.

Hugs and good thoughts for you as you go through this event.

[practical]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. These losses, these reminders of what could/should have been are very painful.

I have already shouted at my other elderly aunt because she chose the week of the funeral to start complaining about the nursing home she is in (despite being happy with the place for 10 years already! Now suddenly she wants to be moved immediately, claiming 'I'll only live for one or two years more so why should I suffer?'  ) The problem? She doesn't like her new room mate. She doesn't just want to move rooms though. She wants a whole new aged care facility.

After uNPDm died F suddenly took over the stage, he filled the void she had left, and instead of it getting easier, it became somehow even more crazy and I had thought he was the normal parent  . He had seemed normal compared to her, and I think she also drowned him out. Now, it was apparently his turn. - This just as a cautionary tale with regard to your aunt. Draw your boundaries early and firmly.

Mostly, I am just angry that I am going to participate in a kind of charade when all the things I want to say will be left unsaid so that other people can carry on pretending they are normal when they are not. Sigh.

Even if you would say what you want to say, they more than likely would carry on as before. They wouldn't change their mind about your aunt and the family system, because of what you say. It is more likely they would paint you as crazy, ill-adjusted ("she always had issues with aunt.") or something so they can put you in a drawer with a label and carry on as before. If you would say what you want to say, there is a good chance you would feel utterly and painfully unheard afterwards. The charade in a way might even protect you in this setting as you don't have to make yourself vulnerable.

Sending you strength

[Sapling]

Thank you SunnyMeadow and practical for your kind words and thoughts and hugs.

We had the funeral yesterday and I think it went well. My eldest sibling (who also understands the situation with my aunt and with DPD sibling) helped a lot and I think everyone was happy with how the service went (phew). I found myself quite emotional at the service even though I was not expecting to be and I think all kids of grief surfaced on the day.

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After uNPDm died F suddenly took over the stage, he filled the void she had left, and instead of it getting easier, it became somehow even more crazy and I had thought he was the normal parent  . He had seemed normal compared to her, and I think she also drowned him out. Now, it was apparently his turn. - This just as a cautionary tale with regard to your aunt. Draw your boundaries early and firmly.
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Yes, practical! I can see this happening already! I don't know if it is a cry for attention or what but it is like my other aunt is trying to fill the void left by the PD aunt.

[/quote]
Even if you would say what you want to say, they more than likely would carry on as before. They wouldn't change their mind about your aunt and the family system, because of what you say. It is more likely they would paint you as crazy, ill-adjusted ("she always had issues with aunt.") or something so they can put you in a drawer with a label and carry on as before. If you would say what you want to say, there is a good chance you would feel utterly and painfully unheard afterwards. The charade in a way might even protect you in this setting as you don't have to make yourself vulnerable.
[/quote]

This is very true and thank you for reminding me. They would indeed paint me as ill-adjusted and/or crazy. That has been my experience most of life when I try to raise anything in my family about people's behavior. Younger sister also uses this tactic by painting me as the crazy one whenever I try to hold her accountable. It helped yesterday that my two older siblings observed some of the things she and other people was saying and we had a debrief afterwards which helped me feel sane again.

Thanks again for your advice and support.