Best way to deal with gifts from NC PD without stirring them up more

[Sidney37]

I've been NC with PDm for well over a year and NC with enD for all of Covid.  All birthdays happened during this time (theirs, ours, flying monkeys, everyone) and no gifts/cards/greeting of any sort.  It was quiet and blissful.

Well a box of Christmas gifts for our kids arrived by delivery recently.  I was surprised.  It was all enD's doing.  His writing, seemingly his choice of gifts, his gift wrapping.  He has never been involved or allowed by her to be involved in any gift related activities for 40+ years. 

I don't want to break the NC.  I don't want to intermittently reinforce them by responding.  Sending it back with "return to sender" seems like reinforcement.  It will show that it got my attention, but I often read here and other places to return the package or letter.  But not sending it back sends them a message too, right?   What is best with NC to not encourage them?

I'm  happy to donate the gifts.  I'll donate the gift cards.  Do I tell my teen kids?  Let them make the decision?  I'm hesitant to do that.  But when they are adults and they get contacted by their grandparents, they will certainly tell them that they sent gifts that they never received.   How will that make me look to my kids?   If they were toddlers, I'd donate the gifts and say nothing.  This seems more complicated, but I want to protect them from the drama, FOG and manipulation. 

[TwentyTwenty]

Hello, personally we donate everything and mention nothing, as if it never happened... because to us, they are only further trampling on reasonable boundaries and intent on causing my family harm and damage by continuing to force their will on us.  The action itself of sending gifts is simply further violation of clear demands not to contact us. We have a cease and desist notification in place, and if they send anything they know they have committed a crime. But we still don't return or mention it at all. It's a 5 minute trip to Goodwill, and that's the end of it.

[JustKathy]

I don't have any children, so my situation is less complicated, but when I was receiving hoovering gifts I donated them all and did not respond or acknowledge that they had been received. One thing I knew not to do was return them. That's exactly what my Nmother would have wanted. A returned gift would have given her the chance to play the victim, tell everyone how cruel and vindictive I was, and how much I had hurt her. She always mailed the unwanted gifts with no signature required, so I felt it was best to leave her wondering about what happened to them after they left the post office.

I wish I had some advice on how to handle the situation with your teenagers, but having no kids of my own, I just don't know. That really is a tough call. Do they know about the situation with your mother? If so, they may understand if you talk to them about it. I do understand your concern about them finding out as adults. Hopefully, someone with teens of their own can offer you some good advice.

Being NC at Christmas is hard enough, but even more so when you have children to protect. Wishing you all the best with this one.

[Starboard Song]

I don't want to break the NC.  I don't want to intermittently reinforce them by responding.  Sending it back with "return to sender" seems like reinforcement.  It will show that it got my attention, but I often read here and other places to return the package or letter.  But not sending it back sends them a message too, right?   What is best with NC to not encourage them?

I'm  happy to donate the gifts.  I'll donate the gift cards.  Do I tell my teen kids?  Let them make the decision?  I'm hesitant to do that.  But when they are adults and they get contacted by their grandparents, they will certainly tell them that they sent gifts that they never received.   How will that make me look to my kids?   If they were toddlers, I'd donate the gifts and say nothing.  This seems more complicated, but I want to protect them from the drama, FOG and manipulation.

I do not like returning mail or gifts, or marking it return to sender. This is interactive.

Gifts and cards from people with whom we are hard NC are deposited unopened straight into the trash, like all the junk mail. You can donate it if you like, but really: they have no right to conscript you to that chore, and it really is fine to simply destroy it unopened.

We have had a policy to always be honest with our DS. He was only 11 when our crisis hit, so not all details were age appropriate. But we were very up front that what was going on was unacceptable, and cards and gifts were no longer going to be accepted by our household. We have had a family meeting every 6 months since then. He knows his grandparents adore him, and he knows also that they've decided and declared they will not now nor will they ever want a relationship or contact with us. As a counselor told us, "They want to separate our family into loved and unloved parts. That is something loving families never do, and which responsible parents never allow."

So he knows that -- in general -- cards and gifts have been coming, and just as surely that we destroy them without inspection or comment.

That changed in his 17th year. We had to transition to adulthood, and we didn't want that to be tied to a legal date like his 18th birthday, so we started inviting him to view mail he received and make his own decisions. At first, he told us to continue disposing. Now he reads their mail. He has zero interest in a relationship with them.

Will he ever change his mind? Maybe. The important thing is to always be honest with age-appropriate details, and to provide age-appropriate autonomy and independence in a supportive manner. There is no precisely right answer if you hew to those goals.

[JustKathy]

I do not like returning mail or gifts, or marking it return to sender. This is interactive.

Yes! One of my therapists once likened it to a game of tennis. They hit the ball over the net and expect to you return the serve. Once you do that, the game has begun. If you ignore the ball coming at you and don't bother to return the serve, game over.

I always thought that was a good analogy. That's exactly what Nparents want and expect when they mail those Christmas gifts. "Interactive" is a perfect word.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hah yeah I fell for that one early on. It's true, it's a response. Oh well. In my childhood I had seen them send stuff to my cousins who had nothing to do with them, and the Nparents complained to high heaven that they were so greedy that they accepted gifts, but so rude that they couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge their gifts. They were militant thank-you note enforcers, which is also a trait prevalent in my husband's PD family, curiously. Anyway, I said they wouldn't say those things about ME, so I simply sent the absurd giant box right back. They could deal with disposing of their sh*t for once. It felt good at that time and I don't regret it, even though the "right" response would have been no response, but I didn't really know anything about PD operating procedure. No doubt they were but I'm glad I pushed back against their boundary busting. It's been said many times on here that PDs will spin whatever you do or don't do to suit their narrative, so do what is best for you.

[Fortuna]

As far as I can tell the best thing to do is nothing, at least nothing that can get back to the PD. My mom sends cards with checks in them. I will not deposit them. She just sent a box of baked goods via personal messenger. I told them we didn't know anyone by that name, so she can't get verification we received them. I don't read her letters and if presents come I think I'll follow starboard song's lead and toss them. It sucks we have to deal with this but hopefully we will get to the point where the hoover attempt doesn't faze us and it's no more than getting a junk flyer in the mail, just another thing someone wants to sell us without the emotional attachment that comes from remembering the relationship and all it implied.

[Sidney37]

Thanks everyone.  I've decided on doing nothing.  The food/trinket types of things will go in the trash.  The gift cards will get donated or re-gifted. 

I'm still on the fence about telling the kids.  My oldest was the GC of my parents.  She was already a teen when we started the NC and over a year in, she's still talking about how PDm doesn't know any better than to say the mean things, does it because she's anxious and that she wants to contact her.  Nope!  My younger child could care less because he became the scape goat and was starting to notice just as we went NC. 

[Fortuna]

I'm still on the fence about telling the kids.  My oldest was the GC of my parents.  She was already a teen when we started the NC and over a year in, she's still talking about how PDm doesn't know any better than to say the mean things, does it because she's anxious and that she wants to contact her.  Nope!  My younger child could care less because he became the scape goat and was starting to notice just as we went NC.

I personally told my kids when we decided to go NC, that meant NC with everything including gifts. When they've gotten the mail and noticed cards, they once asked if there was money inside. There was a check for $20. At first I told them there wasn't any cash, which while technically true wasn't really. After a moment I realized I didn't want to be like that with my kids, so I told her hey I  misspoke. There was no cash but there was check. Then I explained that since usually she sent cash she sent the checks for a reason, she sent them to see if we were reading the mail and cashing the check. So we wouldn't be cashing the check because if we do that's contact. I also gave them equivalent money from my pocket to spend instead. If you let them know in the beginning that NC meant no contact including gifts for them, then you don't need to say anything more. If you didn't mention it, you may want to craft a response, so you are being honest with your kids. It's a hard call what to do but try to keep in mind the relationship you want with your kids that you could not have with your PD person.

As far as your oldest is concerned if she says grandma didn't know better than to say mean things, perhaps ask her if she knows better. I bet she does. Then ask how a teenager understands not to say mean things but someone with so much more life experience somehow missed that life lesson? Let her know grandma knows what she's doing. She's bullying her brother. Would she still want to be around a classmate that bullied her brother? Let her know you understand that she misses her but until grandma can play nice with the whole family, the family doesn't need to get put in a bad situation. Try to validate her feelings while placing the blame of NC squarely where it belongs, on grandma and her behavior. I had it easier because my mom stuck her foot in it a couple of times with her favored grandchild so she was ready to cut ties before I was and my youngest understood we don't hang out with bullies and that was that. Yours is more nuanced and possibly filled with landmines. Tread carefully, you can do this.

[Starboard Song]

Regarding telling your kids....

Please remember that the truth will out. And a teen is old enough to understand such a tough decision, though some details may not be age appropriate. You don't want to ever be cast as a manipulator. If your teen cares and wants to know, they may resent having truth withheld.

[Sidney37]

Thanks everyone.  I waited until today to tell my older child about the gifts.  I didn't want her thinking about it or worrying about it on actual Christmas day.  Well to my relief and surprise, she totally understood and agreed that it was for the best not to accept a gift from relatives who are not kind to her mother. She also  agreed that finding out several years from now might make her think that I was manipulative and lying to them.  She's come a long way. I've probably told her too many stories of things my mother has done over the years, but she asks and I tell the truth.  Thank you all so much for the advice and supporting me through this. 

[Starboard Song]

Well done. You've built honesty and trust with your own child, while also keeping the hounds at bay.

[Sidney37]

Thanks Starboard Song.  I really appreciate it.  It's definitely not easy. 

They are now sending messages to any contact number or email they can find for my husband to see if the kids received the gifts.  One message was shaming that I  needed to work this out before someone finds them dead in their house.  I can't tell if it's a suicide threat or a we're old and we'll die and no one will know for weeks guilt trip, 

My instinct is for him to respond and tell them to stop, but I know that any reinforcement is going to encourage them.  I also know that the narcissistic rage will happen next and I'm left very anxious wondering how they will attempt to retaliate or punish.  Sigh... It's so hard. 

[ShyTurtle]

This is a great thread with some great insights into this situation!