The campaign has begun

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hi everyone, I posted a few weeks ago that I've found a house for me and my kids to rent. I decided to hold off on moving until after Christmas, for the good of the kids. I don't know if pdH maybe senses that something is up, but he has started mounting a campaign to save our marriage. I've had a week of emotionally draining conversations with him, and I am just exhausted.

On Monday he started talking about how our marriage is in a terrible state; berating me for the state of our relationship. I said it's because he barely speaks to me; how can you have a relationship with someone when there is no communication? He dismissed this, just kept levelling the blame at me. He was hounding me, saying 'if you're not happy then we should separate... I don't want to remain stagnant like this... I would miss you and the kids, but I'd rather see you happy with another guy than unhappy with me.'

I couldn't tell if he was being sincere, or just baiting me into admitting I was leaving. Anyway, I didn't take the bait. I just said we need to keep working on things. Now I'm not sure if he was hinting that he would be happy enough to separate, and that he would be okay with me having custody. I just don't know how to read this...

Then on Tuesday, he started making promises of how he is going to change. He has decided to come off his prozac, and he says that will help our relationship. He says the prozac has been causing his lack of empathy and his 'emotional flatness' (silent treatment) and he says that things are going to get better once he gets off prozac.

Wednesday pdH had an appointment with his psychiatrist, and he convinced the guy that he is doing really well. The psychiatrist discharged him and told him he could come off his meds. I don't agree with this; he is not doing that great, frequently has mood swings and personality changes, often gets very down. I am pretty upset about him being discharged and discontinuing his treatment. He refuses to go for therapy or counselling.

H thinks this is great news, that he has been discharged and is coming off his meds.
I am scared because I had been hoping that I could limit his amount of custody on the basis of his mental health condition, which would impact on the children's wellbeing and safety. But now he can prove he has been discharged and given a clean bill of mental health by a psychiatrist, my argument won't stand. I am now terrified that he could end up being awarded part time custody (which he is entitled to in my country)

Honestly if I thought I would end up losing time with my children, and that I would have to hand them over to their dad for a night or a whole weekend, then I would stay. I would do anything to protect my kids. I would rather stay and put up with his pd crap, than have to hand them over to him without me there to protect them.

So yeah, a difficult week. I just feel scared and confused. I want to leave, to move to our new house, to believe in a better future... but I am afraid of all the unknowns, most particularly around custody. PdH is taunting me and nagging at me constantly, about how he is going to change, and how he wants to improve our marriage. He doesn't let up. This is what he did when I left last time; he bombarded me with messages, and talked constantly about how he was going to change, and made me feel I was to blame for our problems. There is no break. We can't even watch a movie without H interrupting with comments about our marriage, or asking me questions, nagging me.

Last night I went out late night shopping - just into the shopping centre for half an hour. It was like putting my head above water and being able to breathe... the relief, just being away from pdH. But then there's the terror of having to share custody, and I just don't know which scenario is worst.

[blunk]

CagedBird, I'm so sorry you're going through this. The way that they can, in their minds, avoid all blame for issues in the relationship is asounding, infuriating, and sad. On top of that it's often repeated so many times that we may actually start to doubt ourselves. None of us is perfect, but we also do not bear all of the blame.

One thing in particular struck me about your post:

... I would miss you and the kids, but I'd rather see you happy with another guy than unhappy with me.'

My xh used to start in with language this, just before he accused me of cheating for the Nth time. Is it possible that he is sensing you pulling away, and thinking that there is someone else? Not saying that it's true, but it can be amazing what their imaginations come up with.

The other thought I had...have you been, or are you planning to start documenting his behavior? If he is anything like my bpdxh, his behavior will worsen once he is off of the antidepressants. It would definitely help your custody case to be able to provide a timeline from his stopping the meds to worsening moods, personality changes, erratic  behaviors, etc. It could show that he does require the medication, and that he was willing to lie to convince his doctor to give him the all clear to stop taking it.

[Bunnyme]

Big hugs.  This is so hard. 
I totally understand what you are saying about wanting to stay to protect the kids, not wanting to give them up, etc..  I wrestle with this, too.  However, I came to the conclusion that I was not healthy or my best self being with him.  It was better for the kids to have one very stable, healthy parent as opposed to living in chaos full time.  I also thought about what I was modeling for the children in terms of what a relationship is or how they should expect to be treated.  It is all easier said than done, and I still lose sleep over the idea that he will get more custody at some point, but that is the reasoning I am using at present.  Is he berating the children in the same way he is you?  So frustrating when they can pull the wool over the eyes of professionals.
Do you work with a therapist?  Mine tells me all the time that i have zero control over what he will or wont do, and that his disordered thinking makes it impossible to guess.  Her advice is to do what I need to do to be healthy for myself and my kids.  Act based on what I feel is best for them, then deal with what comes of that decision.
Every one of our situations is different (I didn't leave...mine went to rehab and I wouldnt let him come back), so what is best for you may be different.  Know that you are worthy of happiness. 

[victoriousladyJj]

I don't know if pdH maybe senses that something is up, but he has started mounting a campaign to save our marriage.

It is absolutely possible he senses it! PDs are very much controlled by energy. The moment your energy shifts from how they have come to expect you to be in their minds, they will begin the love bombing all over. Then begin to provoke you if love bombing doesn't work just so you will argue with them and they can get information out of you about what you are thinking! The moment I decided in my head that I wanted a divorce and really didn't care about anything else, I tried to play it cool and normal, however, my husband started his usual line of questioning "whats on your mind?", "what are you thinking", which I know now are nothing more then probes to see if I'm still in his mental handcuffs. He even began trying to fight with me, provoking me about all I don't do etc etc just out the blue and playing a victim but instead of taking his bait and arguing with him I literally ignored him like I didn't hear him and pretended to be distracted, I could tell he was completely thrown off. At this point I'm so determined to get to my official move out/serve him papers day that really nothing he says or does can provoke me.

[Bunnyme]

 

I like the phrase "mental handcuffs."  Very apt.

[Medowynd]

Documentation is your best friend.  Just because he was released from treatment, doesn't prove that he is stable.  Now that your H is going off his Prozac, he will have more extreme behaviors.  Does your country allow one way recording?  If so, plan to capture what you can, either on video or audibly.

[1footouttadefog]

Any chance he is lying about the doc releasing him and telling him to stop meds?

Also is it oossible that remaining seoarated and not divorsing would orevent him from having access to the kids?


 

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks everyone for your replies. Your support means so much.

Long story, but by speaking to someone else I was able to discover the truth: pdH has not been discharged by mental health services. The truth is that he is refusing to engage with the psychiatrist. He refuses to see a psychologist, and is now refusing to take meds. So he is refusing treatment, which will work against him when it comes to custody.

I have been documenting carefully for over a year, so I have plenty of evidence to back up my argument for supervised access only.

Victorious lady you are right, I am sure he senses something! I'm trying to act normal, but I probably have more of a skip in my step because I know I have an escape route.

Bunny me, thanks for your support- sending you a big hug too! You are so brave and such an inspiration. I agree the kids need me at my best, and I can't be at my best when I am being dragged down constantly.

1 foot - in my country you have to be separated for 2 years before you can even begin the divorce process, so I guess I would have time to figure that stuff out.

Also, deep down I don't think H would actually want to handle the 2 kids on his own. He has never dressed them, changed a nappy, given them a bath, made them dinner. He couldn't cope! Granted he has no self awareness, but I'm hoping I can persuade him to see this.

Thanks again x

[Rose1]

Interesting he sees it so differently to the health professionals.  Exbpdh told me the doctor said he didnt need his bipolar medication anymore. At first I was shocked because going off his meds cold turkey always caused some alarming behaviour.
His doctor was mine too so I asked if it was correct that he had said exh no longer needed his medication.

The doctor told me that what he had actually said was "if you continue to mess around with your medication and dosages you may as well not bother with them". Not quite the same.
It taught me a valuable lesson with bpd, go to the source of whatever someone supposedly said (if its important enough).