The NC decision: how does it influence a sibling?

[Stardust1982]

Hi guys.

I just came back from an outing with an estranged sibling from my family. I don't think he is a N, he definitely has fleas (real big ones). And because I know he is a reasonable person (although with fleas), he may understand my decision to go NC with PD parents.
However, how will this decision influence him? I'd feel as if when going NC with parents, he won't take it so well. He actually told me today that when I did go NC with our parents 'that time', I was too harsh and I should just accept our parents for who they are (abusive or not I should either way stay in touch. I didn't say anything but anyway, now I am confused. I am thinking to keep in touch with him after NC. However, I don't believe he will be so protective of my boundaries so to not provide our parents with personal information about me and what I do.

Does anyone here have siblings and how did they react after NC? Did you manage to stay in touch or was that not possible?

Thanks, guys.

[DistanceNotDefense]

I had the opposite sort of thing happen, went NC with a sibling (unannounced/fadeout) but kept in touch with other family members. This was long before I even knew what PD/Cluster B's were. There is always a chance that if you cut off one member but stay connected to others, the ones you're still connected with become flying monkeys.

Sounds a little bit like your sib is leaning that way. But they may not even realize it at all, and they could let up. Mine did at times. It can be tricky though, as sometimes the niceness is purposeful just to build trust and get more information. It could be that your other PD FOO are saying things purposefully to sibling to make their way to you so they feel satisfied to themselves that they're still "influencing" you via control of other FOO, but it could also just be that strong sense of family loyalty, they're just not aware (or they could be really trying to back up your PD's). I think you could be cautious with them and test the waters, and can slowly phase into lower and lower contact if they try to ramp up any pressure or if they keep saying "off" things. I'd pay attention especially to how you feel when spending time with them. That's the most important thing, anyway. Listen to your gut.

In my case, going NC with my sibling eventually led to a full force battle from other FOO still in touch with me after a while (other sibling and M). They alternated as flying monkeys. I started to feel awful with every contact with them, and eventually went NC with them too. However, it was starting to get overtly clear that there was an agenda to abuse me, separate me from my spouse, get me to leave my career, etc. from my very vicious PD sibling carried out through other FOO. What you deal with, maybe it won't be as overt; you can be wary and if things ramp up and it's clear you're being targeted (like sibling is clearly acting like a go-between/messenger between you and parents), and you start to feel very unwell around this sibling, you can always slowly disconnect.

[D.]

I am fortunate that I have been able to stay in touch, in fact grow closer with my sibling through all of this.  However, early on,  in childhood, we protected each other.  And my sibling flat out told me recently that I owe our parents nothing.  Sibling and I  are working on communication and tend to not discuss foo often or plan ahead of time for the topic.  If I knew sibling would encourage me to have more contact with foo or criticize my limited contact I think I would limit contact with sibling alot... only contact if I felt good afterwards...

[TrueRefuge]

I think it totally depends on the sibling relationship, and what is often termed each sibling's separate reality. I have two examples to share:

My and my sibling have never been close, but never had a falling out either. Just a civil, superficial relationship. Me going N/C with my father hasn't changed our relationship at all. My sibling probably doesn't understand my reasons, because they arent the same person as me, and had/have a different relationship with my father than I did. Some of that I think is that my sibling is also quite N, so I think they bury a lot of stuff and idealise my father, not willing to see what I think is THE reality. My sibling hasn't become a flying monkey (yet) and I'm grateful for that. I imagine my father just pretends I don't exist now, rather than the drama-mongering and flying monkey patterns that I tend to see from N mothers (just a generalisation).

My partner has 2 siblings, and after a big explosive event a couple of years ago, all have basically gone NC with the parents. All 3 siblings have a very similar shared experience and perception of the parents. They all see them for what they are; they each have their personal gripes/triggers, but ultimately, they all experienced abuse and all agree on how it played out. I feel happy for them that they have that together, as I think it must feel a lot less lonely than being the Black Sheep, the one who speaks out and usually suffers for doing so.

It sounds like your brother doesn't fit into any of these patterns. It sounds like he's protective of your parents and isn't willing to accept your side; he needs to believe in his reality, and your reality challenges his, hence why he's resisting it. I think - by the sounds of it - if you do go NC you need to have a strategy for them and a strategy for your brother; that strategy needs to be just as well-considered as your NC strategy. That could be explaining up front what you plan to do (but not so early that he can go and tell them); having some broken-record sentences when he challenges you; very importantly, knowing what your boundaries for your brother are, and being able to enforce them with him (especially around sharing of your personal details, as you mention). Maybe a good way to approach all this, is essentially "I understand you may not agree with or support my decision, and I don't expect that from you, but you need to accept it, and you can't try and change my mind." One thing I've done with my sibling is make sure I stay very respectful around the topic of my father - I have no interest in changing my brother's reality, and so far, he's returned the favour, which I think is the healthiest outcome we could have reached.

Good luck on your journey.

[Stardust1982]

Thank you guys for pointing out to watch out how this sibling behaves and what's his intentions. I believe he wanted to get closer to me to get some information from me It's really sad that we can't have a relationship because if I told him something personal, it will be certain that that information will go straight to my PD mom.
But, the best thing out of this situation is that I have realised we can't have a relationship after NC.
Also, it's nice to hear that at least one person here was able to have a relationship with a sibling who understands and validates the abuse in the family. I guess our kind of abuse is EXTREMELY covert and my two brothers are chronically brainwashed (if u can say that). So sad but what can I do? It's better to know the truth than hoping for something that may or may not happen.

Thank u again for your support.