Anger towards a narc

[Maxtrem]

Hello, I don't know if I'm posting in the right section of the forum. In spite of the awareness of everything I've been through and the extent of the nastiness I've experienced mainly from my uBPDm, I've never felt the stage of anger. My psychologist is himself very surprised by this, he says that I am his first patient who, after becoming aware, does not have the stage of anger, he says that it is fascinating, but certainly not in the good sense of the term.

To make it short I have been investing in real estate quite actively for 2 years and I had bought a large piece of land to build myself a house and several apartments to invest in, but only next year because of lack of time. On the other hand, the city announced a change in regulations and I decided to put everything for sale instead of developing it. In my area, land is very sought after, since it is very rare. So I quickly found several developers who were very interested.

One of them, who I strongly suspect to be a narcissist, contacted me several times. This promoter is known for his links with organized crime, he bought many old houses for land from elderly people who were not able to sign at ridiculously low prices. He cuts down trees or hedges on the land adjacent to his buildings and threatens the owners if they complain. Once he was so arrogant with a member of the criminal underworld to whom he owed money that the latter punctured his eye in the street in front of everyone. Anyway, he's not a good person. At the beginning he was mostly contacting me to ask me for information. But then it was to mention that the neighborhood was a poor neighborhood, that the street where my land was located was ugly, full of poor people, that the land was not wide enough that it would only attract poor people. In short, he insulted my intelligence and he called me several times to denigrate my project, I don't even know why I was still answering.

Finally he called me to make me a ridiculous offer (50% of what someone else offered me) telling me that the plans I had had made was made by one of the worst architects, that it was so ugly that it would only attract poor people (really he seems to hate poor people). This architect passed away not long ago, I liked him very much and he is a locally known architect he designed the house of several celebrities, so he was one of the best. When he insulted this man's skills I told him my way of thinking and hung up and there I felt anger towards him! An anger that stayed for a while. I find it strange to have so much anger towards this narcissist, when I don't feel anger towards my family, who have made much worse thing toward me.

Recently I had written an article in a local newspaper to speak out against the new city regulations that limited many real estate projects and I named my project that I had to sell. This developer wrote under a fake name on social networks that I had gotten this land for next to nothing, that I had stolen the senior who owned it and sold it for a big profit. In fact there were 6 offers on the property so I paid the right price and my profit was really not high. This developer is so narcissistic that he had to take revenge on social networks because I told him my way of thinking and I refused his offer.   

[Hilltop]

Perhaps you were not initially angry with developer because you understood he was just trying to get a cheaper price.  Tell you all the problems with the site, make it seem like a dump, you in turn doubt it and sell it for half of what it was worth.  You saw through that so it didn't really bother you, at the end of the day it's just business, you knew it's worth and ignored the silly game he tried to play.  You say he insulted your intelligence however you probably don't doubt your intelligence when it comes to property development so his opinion didn't mean much to you hence no anger.  You just saw him for what he was.

However the architect that passed away was someone you really admired and liked.  To hear him spoken about so poorly made you angry which is normal because you cared about the architect.  it is the unfairness of speaking poorly of someone who can't defend themselves and doesn't deserve that treatment especially in death.

The fact that you didn't feel anger over your uBPDm, I don't know:
- is it buried or hidden
- did you deal with it when you were younger
- is it self esteem issues, you don't think you are worthy but others are
-you didn't feel angry with the developer when you were sure of yourself, however were angry over the treatment of the architect who could not defend himself which was unfair.

Is there a part of you that understood your uBPDm's treatment was about her and you didn't take it personally as you didn't with the developer.  Perhaps you stood up for yourself when younger.  Perhaps you saw it for what it was and spent your time concentrating on plans to get out which is where your focus went rather than taking it onboard.

They say anger is suppressed emotion eg hurt or frustration, did you when you were younger get the actual emotion out such as cry or hit things or do heaps of exercise.

Hopefully as you continue working with the psychologist you will find the answer.

[notrightinthehead]

I would considider that feeling of anger as progress. So you can feel anger. You are angry with the developer. Maybe you learned not to feel anger with your foo as survival mechanism, maybe it was too dangerous for you to express or feel anger with your foo.
Now you made the first step to experience your anger safely.  With time you might feel it more often.

[Wolf]

Were you angry a lot as a child? I often also got very angry as a kid when my mom had meltdowns. I still do sometimes but less so. I'm assuming it's repression/suppression. I've seen a lot of shit in my life so not much bothers me anymore.

[Maxtrem]

Thank you for your answers @Hilltop, unfortunately, I have forgotten most of my childhood, but I am sure that I have never been able to express anger. While reading you I had a flashback of my childhood, I was mowing the lawn and my mother kept criticizing my work, I was 9 years old, it's obvious that I must have been slow! When I mentioned to her that she could mention that I was at least doing something good, oh she had a narcissistic rage, what will the neighbors think of a child who works so slowly  ! So I was stopped from expressing anger! Perhaps it was the fact that a narc criticized the work of an excellent architect whom I greatly appreciated that was a trigger point for me.

@Notrightinthehead indeed the repression of anger has surely been a defense mechanism!

[Wednesday]

It's possible that you are just too busy right now to process any anger, and maybe that is a good thing.  When I was unemployed last year I had free time to ruminate over my family and childhood.  Finding a new job took care of a lot of that, it keeps my mind busy.
Are you still in contact with the NPDs from your family?  Our anger can help to protect us, but once there is no further abuse from family members, it may not be as necessary. 

[Hilltop]

That's interesting that you have forgotten most of your childhood, so you have blocked it out, however you remember being criticised unfairly and you have now reacted to someone criticising someone you like and doing so unfairly.  I think that does sound like a trigger point for you.

It seems you may have been taught to suppress your anger maybe because your NM had rages.  If you are now feeling anger then it seems your work with your psychologist is working.  It is good that you now feel anger and are working on it.