filed in court today for a school

[sevenyears]

Well, I just filed in court to send my son to a specific school. I received the notice from the school board that it is time to enroll DS5 into school next September. I want him to go to a public (in the U.S. sense), bilingual school so that he speaks my language as well as his father's/ local language.  UNOCPD XH, of course, does not want this. Since we have joint custody, we have to agree on the decision. I literally begged him for months to come to mediation (which is in line with our parenting agreement), but he refused - for months. In another delaying tactic, he suggested yesterday that we contact the school board for advice on deciding which school. Well, um, no. Too late. It's off to court.

I'm so sick of this stuff. Why can't it be easy to reach an agreement and make a decision. It doesn't; have to be this hard. And now, a judge will decide where DS goes to school next year. I haven't been on this board much recently, but needed to air this frustration. Thanks for listening!

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Sevenyears,

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this over the holidays.  Does XH have any reason to reject the school?  Does he have a school he prefers?  I love the idea that your child would be able to speak both languages, hopefully a judge will too 

we went through a LOT of drama with schools.  BM basically yanked the kids out of schools every 3 years, I think because that is about the timeframe the schools were on to her and she needed a fresh supply.  When they were small she petitioned to have their schools changed behind DH's back.  DSD was actually in the best/most highly rated public school in our area, and BM yanked her out.  She lied about what she was actually trying to do and it created a HUGE mess with the school board.  Then she tried to lie to keep DH from coming to the board meeting, and he found out that she had put them in a position of the kids being in different schools.  It got straightened out, the got into the same school (although not of her choice and not the one DSD had been in).  We moved to that side of town to be close to the school.....and yep....couple years later she moves them clear across town for "a better school".  Now they are actually in different schools, by her choice, both on different sides of town that start/end at the same time.  Nice for her since she gets busing....we don't.  Sigh.  It never ends.  In a way, thank goodness for COVID and remote school.

[Penny Lane]

 

Court is terrible, and I'm sorry you have to go through it again so soon. I'm glad you're in a position where you can advocate for your kids in this way, though.

In DH's case, his order required them to go to mediation which BM refused to do - much like your ex. The first thing the judge did was order them to go to mediation. Where BM wasn't reasonable, but she certainly felt like she needed to act more reasonable in front of the mediator than when it was just the two of them. Different court systems, obviously, but I wouldn't be surprised if judges share similar attitudes worldwide about coparents who won't work together (your ex! I know you are trying to work with him).

I really hope you prevail - it does sound awesome that the kids can go to a bilingual school! And even if you don't, it will be OK. Not ideal, but OK.

[sevenyears]

Moral support and a boost of confidence needed!

ExH filed a counter file last week to stop me from enrolling DS5 in the school of my choice - the one I believe is best for him, and that he should go to the closest school. I knew he would do that, but it still makes me anxious.

ExH wrote me yesterday that the judge told his lawyer that she won't decide which school DS5 should go to, rather she will decide which of us has custody on educational matters. This message takes the breath out of me. I keep telling myself, it is doubtful that the judge said that (she is probably still on holiday like most of the rest of the country), that he is trying to intimidate me because he knows I'm scared the judge will take custody away from me (I'm foreign here, lots of discrimination, plus I can't defend myself as well in a second language), and that, actually, it would be a good thing if the judge does take custody away from one of us, so long as it is away from him.

I also feel like this is part of his pattern: you don't do what I want, so I punish you. "You insist on sending DS5 to the school I don't want, so I will threaten to take away your custody in education."

The rational me wonders why he would write something untrue about the judge? I just can't comprehend that. Why would he do that? My ExH UNOCPD if anything, is incredibly smart. (and manipulative). It would be incredibly stupid to write something untrue about the judge. So, ...

At any rate, I forwarded the message to my L and asked her to look into it. And, I hope the court will send soon a notification about the date of our hearing.

Thank you for listening to my ruminations. It is sooo helpful knowing there are others who understand this crazy world of life with a PD in it.

[Penny Lane]

Court is hard anyway, and court with PDs is its own special kind of awful.

Your ex is saying what he knows will hurt you the most. He's reacting badly to court. DH's ex lies about stuff like this. All the time, in writing, even when she knows he knows it's a lie. I have no idea why she does this, but my guess is that your ex is doing the same. OR there's a kernel of truth in there somewhere, like his lawyer said "well as long as we're discussing education maybe you should just ask for custody over educational matters." But it's not at all what the judge actually said. (I do really hope that the result of this is that the judge takes educational custody away from him, though).

Hang in there. Court is soooo tough. There were times when DH was in court that we both found it all-consuming. Trust your lawyer, do your best to make the case for what you think is right, and that's really all you can do. Hopefully it's over quickly!

[athene1399]

BM would often say things like that: "per my L you have to do x or you are breaking the law." It was a manipulation tactic because she knew we didn't want to do anything illegal. We started checking with our L who basically said that BM was lying.

In you case, I would think the judge would have told this to both lawyers. I would recommend not believing what your ex says unless you can verify with your L.

I am so sorry things are heading back to court. Court is so stressful.

[sevenyears]

Thanks Athene and Penny. It's always helpful knowing there are people who understand this craziness!