Back Again with a rant and a question: what's the best end game? NH or NC?

[foobarred]

Back here again after a long and difficult year.  Been bolstering my financial position, and expect to be financially independent some time next year.  Working on myself, getting therapy.  Gradually becoming less enmeshed with uPDmom, trying to set boundaries and spend less time with her. 

Unfortunately her response has been to ramp up her "tantrums".  I just came off a five-week sh*tfest complete with fake illnesses ("I can't walk/hear/breathe/eat. you've got to DO SOMETHING!"), flying monkeys ("Your mother looks awful, you've got to DO SOMETHING!"), a car sale ("I'm too sick to drive anymore, you've got to sell my car for me RIGHT NOW!), plus a half dozen phone calls per day about how she needs a nursing home, wait she needs home help every day, wait she need home help 3x/wk, wait she needs it just for one hour per week, but it can only be an elderly retired lady who has nothing else to do, because she's not willing to just sit there and ENTERTAIN someone.  Then once the car was sold she suddenly decided that she needed new transportation arrangements because her usual person is not answering her phone anymore and her allergy injection is two weeks late and I have to DO SOMETHING!  But wait, she doen't want this other lady that I lined up to drive her because even though she IS an elderly retired lady, she has a life and expects to be TOLD IN ADVANCE when mom needs a ride, which is just SO INCONSIDERATE, mom can't possibly be expected to know these things.

The tantrum only ended when I went over to her apartment unexpectedly and caught her dressed normally (not looking like a dying swan on the sofa in pyjamas three sizes too big for her) and doing her laundry.  Suddenly she was "much better", and "wondering what that awful episode was".

And all this was precipitated by the me not paying enough attention to her during one of her mandatory 2 hour visits.

I was getting chest pains.  My sleeping and eating went to hell and there were some days I had trouble putting a coherent sentence together, I was so out of it.  Even now, two weeks later, I flinch whenever the phone rings, and have trouble being around people. 

And it's starting to dawn on me that I can't keep this up.  That the financial security she offers is no good to me if I'm dead of a stress-induced heart attack at the age of 55.

So I've been thinking, what's my end game here.  HERS is clear: I wait on her hand and foot until she dies.  That's not acceptable to me.  My original plan (back when I was more FOGged) was to keep her at home as long as possible, in order to save money and keep her happy.  That's not acceptable to me anymore, either, b/c she can reach me too easily from there and it's just so impossible (and punishing) to set boundaries with her.

So that leaves assisted living vs. NC.  Do I strive to get her into a nice AL facility?  Does that end the madness?  Or would I be better off just cutting the cord and running for my life?  What's been y'all's experience?

[Seven]

I dig your user name BTW.

Does she need AL?  Independent living facilities give 3 squares and transportation to doctors, shopping, housekeeping, etc.  Some facilities are step-up where she can go from independent to assisted to memory care without having to keep moving.

And no, you can't keep this up, for your own mental health.

[SunnyMeadow]

My first thought is get her into an AL facility but then I know the epic struggle you're going to have from her. Each place will be wrong, this is wrong, that's wrong. That's going to put more stress on you. The stress can kill you if not severely sideline you from your normal life. I developed a debilitating autoimmune disorder after a time of prolonged stress from my uNPDm. I mean, I was out of commission flat on my back. Please don't let things get this far for you.

You say she provides financially security, are you living with her? 

[foobarred]

Thank you for replying so quickly!

She's on the cusp of needing AL - she can feed/dress/bathe herself, and her mind is still clear (albeit it's hard to tell because her function varies dramatically with her moods).  But she's in her nineties, and needs help with cooking, housework, and transport.  We have reliable solutions for the first two, but the third has broken down (I expect mom pi**ed her off), and mom is rejecting any solution I offer.

Re financial situation: We live in separate apartments, but in the same complex.  She's well to do and is paying some of my bills, and being the only child there's the promise of an inheritance at the end.  I know it sounds stupid and venal, but I've always been afraid to lose that parental safety net, especially since I've been unable to work.  Residuals of my upbringing, where it was constantly drummed into my head that I was book smart, but useless at real life.  I still struggle with feelings of incompetence, even though mom paradoxically expects me to solve all her problems for her.

[Fiasco]

Foobarred I feel your pain. And your health can absolutely be destroyed by the constant state of fight-or-flight panic stress. Something to consider that I hope will help is that unless she can be legally declared incompetent you can't put her into an AL. Hear me out, that's not mean to increase your feelings of helplessness I'm hoping to help you free yourself mentally. You CAN'T put her in AL, any more than she can put you in one. She's an adult, like you. She's competent until proven otherwise. So you are 100 percent hereby released from deciding if that's best for her and making it happen because you CAN'T.

Now if I sound like a real smarty pants who knows everything and would never fall for a PD mom's nonsense let me just share that my own BPDm just did her annual "nobody is paying attention to me" Thanksgiving visit to the Emergency Room. She didn't even have a real complaint and there was literally nothing for them to address and they sent her home. I stayed out of the drama of that actual event but the stress of the fact she potentially exposed herself to COVID overwhelmed my ability to cope to the extent that I got a multi day migraine that was so bad my doctor sent me for an MRI because he suspected it was a freaking brain aneurism. So really, I feel your pain.

Best you can do regarding AL, if and when you sincerely believe she's in danger living alone, is notify her doctor or the police or whatever resource is relevant where you live and have them check on her. Don't bother trying to convince her to move herself into one, that will just deliver a delightful level of narcissistic supply to her. You're freaked out about her? Joy!

On the other hand I'm not above suggesting AL whenever my mom attempts some new level of fake helplessness. Wow mom if you can't handle XYZ simple task any more maybe you should research AL. They're never nearly as helpless as they seem, just like your experience with the normally dressed and functioning woman you surprised rather than the giant pajama wearing "dying swan". Good luck, it's so hard but you're literally saving yourself and that's very important.

[practical]

So that leaves assisted living vs. NC.  Do I strive to get her into a nice AL facility?  Does that end the madness?  Or would I be better off just cutting the cord and running for my life?  What's been y'all's experience?

Sadly it isn't one or the other. AL just means a shift and/or additional topics for drama, I have been there with F. If her being in AL might make it easier for you to go NC if you need to, it might be worthile getting her in a facility, but this is really more about you. A PD won't be happy wherever they are, won't do without drama, their neediness, insecurity etc. won't allow for it. Also don't underestimate the stress of getting your M into AL. Does she want to go into AL? Does she have a facility in mind? If not, prepare for battle, and even if she wants to go, it might turn into a drama of her changing her mind, this not being right and that not being right, wanting to look at another facility, saying Yes one day and saying No the next and on and on it goes. Just the thought of what we went through with F makes me nauseous, tired and sad.

Try to figure out what is best for you and let that be your guide. Your M won't change unfortunately. I'm very sorry you are having such a rough time, and you are right, no financial security will be of benefit to you if you are dead or sick from the PD-drama.


Here are two of my old posts about F going into AL and leaving in case you want to have an idea of what might lie ahead of you with AL.
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=59319.msg524224#msg524224
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=65359.msg576282#msg576282

[foobarred]

Yikes, Practical!  Thank you for posting the links, that's quite the cautionary tale.

Reading your and others' old posts, it seems like AL is not a panacea, it just gives them something new to jerk you around with.  And as Fiasco said, even if I led her to that particular water, there's no way for me to make her drink.

At this stage, my gut is telling me I need a REST.  I want to crawl into a hole and pull up the drawbridge and just "be" for a while, with no external interference.  Maybe not a permanent NC but more like a pause, a trial separation to gain perspective.  Because I've never NOT been enmeshed with my parents, and I can't even imagine what that experience would be like.

So that's the direction I'll be headed in.  Many thanks to all of you for your understanding and advice.