Terror = Anger, but only with "safe" people

[Amadahy]

Good morning,

I said something the other day, sort of a stream of thought, that was new.  DH and I were talking about my propensity (especially as of late) to become red-hot angry in a split second.  I said, "Every time I have been angry, it is because I am terrified."  That thought had never occurred to me.  It came from somewhere in my higher consciousness and I experienced it as profoundly true.  One problem is that this is manifested only with people I know who are "safe" for me, namely DH.  Really, any red-hot anger should be slathered over Nmom, supersized, and a cherry put on top, for good measure.  However, rarely have I expressed anger toward her because it either gave her fuel for a good guilt trip later or I was trying to be detached and told myself to just forget it.  I believe my authentic self to be a pretty chill person, so this is really disturbing to me.   

Do you treasures of knowledge and compassion have ideas or experience in properly managing or expressing terror or anger?  It's so unfair to DH to be the brunt of this and it isn't really helpful for me to spew in this way either.  I've yet to replace my (former) excellent therapist or else I'd process with him/her.  Running years ago seemed to take the edge off; perhaps it's time for that again.  I feel like I'd have to run 24/7 .....

Thank you.  I really appreciate any help. 

[IRedW77]

What are you terrified of? That might be a good place to start.

Is it something in your everyday life that's causing terror that you're converting/ expressing into anger?

Is it something in your everyday day life that causes minor anger that then evokes some latent terror from catching the brunt of Nmom's rage?

Like you feel yourself getting angry and you're scared of getting angry like she did/does and it scares you and you get angry like she did?

Sort of like a performance anxiety loop—you fail to perform one time for a normal reason and then you get anxious that it will happen again the next time and the anxiety ruins the performance and it becomes a cycle.

Is it terror induced by Nmom's past rage that triggers your anger as a defense mechanism?

———

I can speak from personal experience about how my anger works. I also consider myself to be a generally chill person and always have—however, since I've just learned all about my mother's BPD and everything it has done to me I question the entirety of my emotional function.

I know that I have a ton of repressed anger and I've learned that I still repress anger. It generally gets turned inward.

But! What the statement "every time you're angry it's because you're terrified" evokes for me is my own defense mechanisms.

I am generally very chill, but if someone snaps or gets angry at me when I don't expect it I will immediately turn their anger right back at them with some extra thrown in to get them to back down.

It's a defense mechanism. I grew up with random unprovoked anger happening all the time. I learned to defend myself by reflecting it back—if you yell at me I'll yell back louder.

But, at bottom it's a startle reflex. I'm unsafe (terror?) so I rage until what startled me is silenced.

[DistanceNotDefense]

I very much relate to this. The only person I feel safe enough to unload my anger around is my husband.

The rest of my family would team up to manipulate, gaslight, and break me down whenever I showed any type of strong emotions. I can "spew" at my husband but he spews, too, so we just spew at each other, and get that out of our systems, and then cuddle/apologize afterwards. So at least it feels even!

I, too, would also consider myself a "chill"/go with the flow person. It's also important to realize this could be a CPTSD (relational trauma syndrome) response - it's possible that your anger could be unconscious flashbacks to childhood memories.

[IRedW77]

I, too, would also consider myself a "chill"/go with the flow person. It's also important to realize this could be a CPTSD (relational trauma syndrome) response - it's possible that your anger could be unconscious flashbacks to childhood memories.

Ok, everyone keeps talking about this. I started reading about it and I have questions. I'm just going to start a new thread, because it seems common here, and it seems like people keep mentioning it to ME specifically.

[Amadahy]

Thank you so much for taking time to respond.  I had another ah-ha from this -- when I posted, I assumed everyone who has suffered with a PD person is terrified. all. the. time.  I am, especially in this covid-time.  I wake up breathless, with some far-out idea of all that could go wrong, of who wants to hurt me and how, etc.  Knowing these thoughts are irrational is only small consolation when one's body is in full flight mode most of the time.

I was dx with C-PTSD about a year ago, but these episodes coincide with the pandemic and w my Nmom's health decline and my assuming her business matters.  Actually, I'd be surprised if I didn't have these thoughts with so much going on, now that I think about it. 

So, seeking therapist, implementing meditation and vagus nerve exercises, and trying to be more mindful are on the menu.    Other resources, ideas welcome.  Thank you. 

[Phoenix Rising]

I am not sure if it will apply to you but I recognized this happening in my daily life when I was triggered by something that reminded me of NPD/APDex and uPD grandmother. The anger also seems to come out when a known or unknown personal boundary has been crossed. I have come to understand that this all is a response to trauma that I haven't worked through yet. It's a long road but it has gotten WAY better working with a therapist that understands trauma and can validate and help me work through it. I am so thankful that my DH is supportive but it is not fair or respectful to "dump" my stuff on him (atleast that's what it's felt like).

Of course with Covid, it has been difficult (in addition to the difficulty without Covid) to find new safe people to vent to outside of therapy and DH. Recently I've implemented journaling (sometimes only on the phone) with a CBT focus.. Identifying the five big questions (where, what, why, etc) and whether or not I can or should act on the thoughts at that moment. Doing this has helped reduce the strain on our marriage and supports the healthy boundary that should be in place between individuals.

My therapist has talked more recently about mindfulness. I can't comment yet about this as we are working to implement it but perhaps it may be useful for you too?

[1footouttadefog]

I have known people who due to traumatic experiences of eother the prolonged type or the sudden type who had either ptsd or cptsd sympts were close to rage/terror.

At some point their entore body chemistry has shifted towards  being in flight or fright.   They ended up finding a release when they had experienced an orgument or a disproportionate response to something.

A couple of these people are helped by taking an alpha blockers like prozoson.  It seems that this can be a manifistation of "hyper-tension" and the adrenaline reducing action of blood pressure medication can attenuate this.

It might be useful to discuss this with your doctor just in case its a sign of a medical cindition needing to be addressed.

[Amadahy]

Thank you Phoenix and 1foot!  Both your comments are helpful.  Phoenix, working on mindfulness will be immensely helpful!  I tell myself I am mindful, and I am, but I don't practice it in a diligent way that would help me long-term.  And, 1foot, the information about medication is on-point and something I hadn't even thought of!  I'm not willing yet to go the pharma route, but I have been off my supplements for months and many of them would help (magnesium, omega 3, coq10, hawthorn, garlic, l-arginine, etc).  I do experience freakishly high blood pressure, especially when dysregulated. Thank you for that reminder, 1foot.  Looks like some major self-care is called for. Thanks again!!  xoxo