Free at last!

[Miss Kay]

I don't come here often any more but I know how painful the holidays can be for those of us raised in dysfunction families so I wanted to give some hope.  I had the typical Narc mom so I won't go into all the horrible abuse I and so many others suffered at her hand.  I tried everything.  I tried talking to her but of course you know how that goes.  I tried not letting her get under my skin, tried boundaries (only made her more angry), tried keeping my distance (yep, stalking and punishment), and on and on I could go.  The point is, I didn't cause her crazy and I certainly could not fix it.  I had to learn this was not even about me but about her need for control and inability to love anything or anyone except herself.  Once I hit 50 I walked away and went total NC.  It cost me several siblings who were so entangled with her but again, not my cause and not mine to fix.  I was warned I would regret going NC, after all she is "your mother" and all those other tactics to guilt or control me.  Fast forward to 12 years later.  I held my NC, even when I knew she was on her death bed.  I did go to her funeral just to see if it was real.  What did I feel? Nothing but relief and freedom.  I knew she could never hurt me or my family again and I no longer had to look over my shoulder.  This site helped me heal so much so by then, I didn't feel anger, no hate, no love other than what I would feel for any other fellow human.  I just felt sorry for her and walked away knowing half of my siblings would now have to struggle with how to live life without her pulling their strings.  I don't even hate them.  I understand them more than they understand themselves.  I feel like one of the lucky ones for breaking the hold she had on me and discovered the person I was meant to be, not who she said I was.  My hope is for you to listen to your inner self and decide what is best for you.  You can't fix crazy but you can run from it.       

[BettyGray]

Miss Kay-

Your story is mine.

Tried it all and didn't know for a long, long time that in the end it didn't matter. There was only pain, minimization, denial and more pain awaiting me with every phone call, every visit. Then one day I decided enough was enough. It took me by total surprise, but other than marrying DH and moving far away from the toxic family,  had never been so certain about anything in my life. No warning, letter, phone calls, or involving myself & DH with them again. Just cut it r, phone calls, or involving myself & DH with them again. Just cut it off.

What you said about your siblings is true of mine as well. They chose their side. And severe emotional/mental implosion
awaits them. With no spouses/SO, social lives, no kids for 2 of them, I kind of feel sorry for them. I knew for a long time the day will come when they wake up, realize they have very little to no support system, and have missed out on SOOOO much of the good things in life. They kinda hate each other. Good luck to them.

A few days ago, I celebrated my 5 year anniversary of that day. It's been an emotional slog through lots of land mines, but has gotten better each day. I get to wake up knowing I don't have to talk to them, see them, get dragged into their constant crises & Game of Thrones style of relating.

I mostly just want to back up your words of encouragement for those struggling through this. It may sound trite, but distance and time are key. First the physical distance, which, with time, becomes emotional distance. At a point unknown, you will come to a sense of peace with it all. Then you can claim your path and be free to grow in new directions.

I have tried to make a new, just for me, Holiday tradition - coming here, even after months long breaks, to check in with my fellow Out of the FOG friends, and get strength knowing we will be here for each other. Today and tomorrow will be hard. But come the weekend, it will be one more year of distance, and peace.

Thanks to all of you for sharing the journey. And be kind to yourselves.

[DistanceNotDefense]

A few days ago, I celebrated my 5 year anniversary of that day. It's been an emotional slog through lots of land mines, but has gotten better each day. I get to wake up knowing I don't have to talk to them, see them, get dragged into their constant crises & Game of Thrones style of relating.

Had to chuckle at the Game of Thrones style relating...so true! (Except maybe the Starks...the only healthy relational people...)

Congrats on 5 years Liz1018. You're a beacon of hope and a model to me. It sucks it has to be this way but just know your strength is inspiring.

This site helped me heal so much so by then, I didn't feel anger, no hate, no love other than what I would feel for any other fellow human.  I just felt sorry for her and walked away knowing half of my siblings would now have to struggle with how to live life without her pulling their strings.  I don't even hate them.  I understand them more than they understand themselves.  I feel like one of the lucky ones for breaking the hold she had on me and discovered the person I was meant to be, not who she said I was.  My hope is for you to listen to your inner self and decide what is best for you.  You can't fix crazy but you can run from it.       

So true. Your message also gives me hope Miss Kay. More so than anger, I just feel a mixture of being afraid of and feeling sorry for my family at the same time. And the hardest part of all is I still love them.

Happy holidays and much love to you both 

[Stardust1982]

Hi Miss Kay.

Wow, what a beautiful and hopeful story. Congrats for being free of your PD mother at last. And yes your post is very helpful. It gives me so much to hope for and look forward to. I too don't feel any guilt for breaking out of the narcissistic family system. But I have a long way to go in terms of fixing the trauma bond and understanding that there is absolutely nothing for me in this family and letting them go will be for my highest good.

Unfortunately the siblings cannot understand what we understand. If they are not on your healing journey (or any healing journey) it means they are just not ready to face the abuse. They may never be ready. It's not your problem anyway. You deserve a life free of co-dependency and abuse. If they can't understand that, it's very sad -for them not for you.

Stardust

[JustKathy]

Hi Miss Kay, and thank you for this post. It sounds like we're both in a similar place. I also went NC with my Nmother when I was 50 and refused to break NC when she was dying. I have zero regrets about that decision, though I might have regretted it if I didn't have forums like this one to turn to for support. Whenever I had doubts, there was another survivor out there with a similar experience who helped me through it. I only wish the Internet had been around when I was young so I could have started on this healing journey sooner, but better late than never.

I feel the same way about my siblings... that I understand them more than they'll ever understand themselves. I'll always be damaged, but I'm damaged in a much different way than they are. I don't live my life consumed with loneliness, anger, and misery like my sister does. I know the truth about my parents and have worked hard to heal the wounds they inflicted. Walking away was the best life decision I've ever made.

Here's to a happy and drama-free holiday.

[BettyGray]

Distance,

Awwww... what kind words on Christmas. It brings me great joy to know there are ways I can help my fellow FOG-ers in any way. That makes the pain sting a little less, knowing that the pain can translate into hope for someone else. 

Kathy, Stardust, and Miss Kay - so correct about siblings. Sadly, it's a lost cause. Especially if they are personality disordered themselves. Add that to the cultish environment and there is just no hope.

This used to sadden me so much. Not only were they not allies, they were completely out of touch with reality. When I traveled to visit, I would just watch my parents play them like fiddles, manipulating and putting them down. It was awful- yet, I couldn't do anything about it. The more time went by, I watched them waste their lives under (mostly) my mom's control. It was like watching a decades train wreck in the making, the final crash is  to come when the parents are gone.

Their faces showed the weight of it all .  They aged faster than me. They didn't take care of their health, claim their own lives, freedom or happiness. Instead of me being an inspiration, I was resented. I think much of this was my being the youngest. Always underestimated was I.