Seeking peace and joy

[thedoghousedweller]

Just joined recently - staying true to a challenging marriage.

I've confessed my own limitations and faults in a structured unspilling a couple of years ago, so fully admit that I'm not perfect.  My spouse is uSPDw, and I'm looking for answers to maintain my sanity.  We've gone through severe financial trouble due to my attempt several years ago to start a business.  I'm now three jobs later working for a group that has a promising product - but delayed.

Our conversations are limited to household and family tasks (we have two older children) tasks.  As I try to engage in topics of interest, she shows no interest and offers no response.  She has severed ties to almost all of our friends (save one) and family (save our immediate family and her brother's).  We have not been intimate in nearly 3 years.  When I've done service things for her, including big things - like building extensions to her garden - or little things like taking care of the dishes or cooking - she rarely expresses appreciation.  She has refused to share basic household items - pans or irons - and has complained about my work from home (I talk on the phone too much).  Lately, she has expressed a lot of contempt toward me and my work plans (I admit the delays of launching a product are frustrating).  She has lost all trust in me but refuses to help or at least to understand the situation better.  I don't have another apparent option. 

While I've participated in group therapy sessions for more than two years, at her urging, for depression and anxiety (and have improved), she refuses to do the same.  She says that nobody understands her problem and that it will do no good.  As a result, she remains deeply isolated and expresses frustration for the civic and faith-based volunteer activities that I've done.  I pray a lot for God to heal my marriage.  I'm looking for hope.  Thank you.

[Free2Bme]

Hi doghousedweller and welcome~

The circumstances you describe sound really painful and challenging.  It seems that you are very introspective and aware of where you are and how you got there, that is good.  All of us are imperfect and make mistakes.  We own them and try to make it right, it's up to the other person to forgive. 

Continue with T/group T as well as your faith-based/civic activities, keep learning and growing as a person, do it for yourself not for anyone else.  (Be the change you want to see). 

Try not to get discouraged when criticized or unappreciated, easier said than done.  Don't give up hope, just lower expectations about your SO for now.

I hope you will find this forum a place of learning and a source of support .
Keep praying.

[1footouttadefog]

It sounds like she has tuned out of the relationship and is not playing fair.

It is not uncommon for pds to tune out and wait for the other party to call it off so they are not the bad guy.

I found it helpful to go through the 100 traits list in the tool box and mark which ones were present in our relationship. I then owned and worked in my stuff.  By doing that I know I have done my part. 

Does she work?  Does she feel she is pulling more than her weight or is she just unhappy with your career. Strange of so, I was only ever concerned with the bottom line of household finances, not how we got there. I e if bills were being paid and we were both trying. Some times I worked two jobs, sometimes H worked 70-80 weeks. 
Was she traumatized, did this start all of the sudden, a rape, mugging, or car wreak? Ptsd,  is there a history of abuse in FOO, cPTSD? Some things to consider.

It sounds like you have a complex situation. No easy answers. I feel for you with the lack of marital relations. I have been in that situation for way too long.  Its wrong for them to deny.  Its immoral and goes against all God intended a marriage to me.  As a matter of fact we can morally out source all aspects of marriage but that one.  Heck we can even hire a therapist for emotional intimacy and to be known as a human being, I have yet to do this either. 

The idea that her problems are too unique or profound is a cop out on her part.  There is a concept in the recovery community called terminal uniqueness that might apply here. 


https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/drug-addiction/related-topics/terminal-uniqueness/

Take care of you and work on you.  You are not just the relationship even though its a great part of your identity. Holistic self care will make you better able to be a father husband, employee, worshipper, friend, and other aspects of life/self. 

Physical, psychological, intelectual, artistic, spiritual, musical, and social parts of the holistic self must all be kept healthy to waether a storm like this.

Dont "die" by sacrificing all to change what you cannot change in your marriage, leaving the kids with a hollowed out ruin for a parent.

So often here people have given all above and over the top trying to win back the false identity of a personality disordered person they married when it never existed to begin with.  So many here, myself included were a hollowed out and empty almost ruined persons when they emmerged from the fog.

[Boat Babe]

That hollowing out of the victim of PD abuse is the absolute worst aspect of the whole experience imo. By far. The diminution of the self is the greatest pain. More than any other aspect of abuse, which are many and ghastly, is the nightmare of the annihilation of our spirit.

I'm not religious but I don't think there's anything in the bible that says that that is OK.

[thedoghousedweller]

Thank you for the response and affirmation.  Long road ahead but hope it leads somewhere.

[tragedy or hope]

Love your handle "thedoghousedweller,"

Welcome. I know I will not do certain things with my unpdh because I am tired of the pain he does not seem understand the behaviors he imposes on me. He refuses to acknowledge ME. I also know I have had to backtrack a little on how I am behaving because I was causing more harm for myself and the relationship.

Making right what has been wrong in the past, without anything emotionally changing is not impressive to someone who has been deeply hurt. It sounds as if she does not understand what you have tried to do. She is taking her own poison expecting you to feel bad.

I am not making any assumptions of right or wrong. I can see her differently than some here. She has her own recovery to discover. It sounds as if you really love her. Are you willing to accept what is? She has been lovable to you in the past... can you focus on some good qualities and address that to her? Maybe it will wake her up to your sincere desire for her.

Until I am willing to accept others for who they really are, I found I am not happy. Accepting that things may never change, makes unexpected changes like a gift. It seems you love her, can you accept her as "sick"  the way she is?

There are so many things you can do for you to live a good life whether she changes or not that do not violate your vows.. but they are unique to you.

I like my unpdh to BE with me not DO for me. However, his love language is to DO. Totally frustrating to me, but I either accept this or be miserable. BEING with someone means vulnerability about who we are.

Our conversations in the past have been so raw I all but diagnosed him on a bad day, and he at the end of his painful rope agreed. So we both know what's on the table.

We also agreed at this point in life neither of us feels we really need to change how we think about the relationship etc... so we accepted. Life is never ALL that we want. Things are weird but better in many ways.

Lastly, maybe you are trying too hard and it irritates her that she is getting the DOING without the sincere BEING. (I am not assuming you are not trying) It does not mean you are in the same room watching the same movie, it means interaction. I know she is walled up now, but i take every opportunity when my unpdh speaks now, to listen and not reply about me, but focus on what he is trying to say however unimportant it seems to be.

Asking about the garden, questions she finds intriguing etc. may help. When my unpdh asks me a question in sincerity about something important to me, it reaches my heart.

This may be blather to you and I understand. One more thought. If  your therapist does not have a treatment plan for you, maybe you would want to ask. No one should be in therapy forever.

You sound pretty healthy to me... doing all the right things.

Keep reading. People here are amazingly smart about what we are all facing. This is just my measly 2 cents worth. 

Again welcome! 

[thedoghousedweller]

Thank you for all the feedback - 1footouttadefog,  boatbabe, Free2Bme, and tragedy or hope.  It's affirming for where I am.  I also appreciate the article on terminal uniqueness.  That seems to apply here.  To fill in some of the gaps, uSPDw does not work.  Over the last three years, she has an illness, that she believes prevents her from work, but the doctors have never suggested as much.   I realize that it the illness requires recovery, but at this point, it would need to be classified as a disability.  I'm OK with earning all the income, but am looking for support and encouragement, rather than frequent criticism.  I've been transparent with the status of the business the whole time - nothing has been secret.  I gave up a while back trying to please her as I realized that would get me nowhere.  However, I do realize that I crave some kind of recognition or affirmation for the dedication I have.  I'll keep trying.  Thank you for your feedback. 

[losingmyself]

 I don't know how people feel about Dr Phil, really, I know some people just really don't care for him, but I catch his show every once in a while, and sometimes glean a little nugget from watching.
The other day I saw an episode where a mother and her children had a volatile relationship, and the adult kids were at a point where they either tried honestly to fix things, or they were going to cut her out of their lives.
He said something at the end of the show that was sort of eye-opening. They all agreed to see a family therapist. But he said that they should all be ready to accept that the other person just didn't have what it was they needed. Not by any fault of theirs, they just don't have it.
I don't really have any sage advice, I just wanted to share. Maybe we expect more than the other person can give. It's up to us to decide what we're willing to accept.