No Contact w/ NPD parents

[need2bme]

It's been almost 2 years since I found this site.  And it was my lifeline for 3 months as I began to see the toxicity of my life.  I recognized my mother as npd and my dad has a lot of narcissistic traits also, but doubt that he would be diagnosed npd.  Anyways, for a year and half I slowly distanced myself from them.  In July of this year, my mom told a friend that I was a slut at age 7 and deserved the sexual abuse I received.  Yep, 7 year old slut!!!  I knew at that moment that I could never again hear her voice or see her face.  I went No Contact that day.  I wrote them a letter telling them that I was unable to have them in my life.  It didn't explain why...it just stated my needs of no contact.  It wasn't even a paragraph because I knew that anything beyond that would give them something to use against me.  I've had No Contact whatsoever.  I do get a few stray flying monkeys here and there. 

I stopped using this site after 3-4 months because I saw people on here (not putting you down, just telling my story) that were still stuck in it after 2-5-10 years+ and it hit me that I did NOT want to me on this website still complaining about what my parents were doing to me.  And I began a VERY long and difficult journey Out of the FOG.  I have been in DBT therapy for a year and half and I am now finishing up NET trauma therapy.  I have fought tooth and nail for almost 2 years to escape the FOG.  And I must say, that going no contact was the BEST decision I have ever made for myself in my entire life!!!! 

I am massively an empath and people-pleaser...so setting boundaries and sticking to them was something massively difficult for me.  I also come from a very religious family...so honor thy mother and father was a big obstacle.  I had been struggling for a while wanting to cut them out of my life, but could not.  I told my therapist so many times 'if they weren't my parents...they would have been gone long ago'.  She kept asking 'why does it matter that they are your parents?'  But the brainwashing and programming I had received my entire life was difficult to overcome.

I'm writing to hopefully encourage others.  Recovery IS POSSIBLE!!!  I am beginning to break free of the madness that has been my life.  But it has been hard fought for!!!  The journey out is difficult...but the way I see it...staying stuck in it forever is even more difficult.  I am 44 years old and I am just now beginning the life I should have been able to begin when I was 18.  I lost over 20 years of my life because I allowed them to control my every move...my every decision.  It has been a difficult 2 years...but I am so glad I took this journey Out of the FOG.  Every day I get stronger and stronger...every day I learn something new about ME.  Being raised in a narcissistic family...you have no concept of who you are.

I had a friend that talked to me about being in a narcissistic marriage.  She said she was a strong woman who KNEW who she was.  3 years in a marriage with a npd and he stripped her of identity and it's taken her years to get a portion of herself back.  Now imagine being raised by one...or two!!!!  It takes time and it takes work...BUT PLEASE HEAR THIS....YOU CAN RECOVER!!!!  YOU CAN FIND YOURSELF!!!!  It's hard...but the pain is worth it!  You deserve to live your life...free of control and manipulation!!!  Please, anyone...feel free to reach out to me.  I will share my story, I will share my recovery...I will share anything.  But I want you to know beyond all else...that YOU DESERVE TO FIND PEACE AND HEALING!!!!!  I love you all!  And I thank you that this forum provided what I needed when I needed it!

[SunnyMeadow]

It takes time and it takes work...BUT PLEASE HEAR THIS....YOU CAN RECOVER!!!!  YOU CAN FIND YOURSELF!!!!  It's hard...but the pain is worth it!  You deserve to live your life...free of control and manipulation!!! 

Thank you for your very encouraging post!! I always love to read a success story and you definitely have one. Keep on healing need2bme.

[BettyGray]

Glad to hear of your progress.

I come and go from these forums. If I find myself getting too wrapped up or triggered by something I read, I step away from it for a few months. It is a comfort knowing I can check in anytime and feel welcomed. But I do think healthy breaks are good because it can get easy to step out of our non-virtual lives, which also need attention.

Sounds like you got a good therapist. Good things are ahead of you. You have plenty of room to grow. And you are giving yourself the permission to blossom. Bravo!

[blacksheep7]

Bravo need2bme,

The courage it takes is all worth it indeed.  I always loved the quote  «it's not courage when you're not scared».

I am like Liz1018, I come and go.  Like one T told me, you go to the doctor when you are hurt.  I have triggers that still affect my being.   It's a life process to recover, to change our reponses/inner critic.  It's a picker upper here.  I get my comfort reading and writing, venting.

Now we are who we were meant to be

[Stardust1982]

Thank you, need2bme. I needed to hear this. We deserve a great life and to find ourselves beyond what we were in our FOO.

[Amedee]

The journey out is difficult...but the way I see it...staying 3 years in a marriage with a npd and he stripped her of identity and it's taken her years to get a portion of herself back.  Now imagine being raised by one...or two!!!!

Word.   

Thank you for sharing your insights  and journey.   I know this might sound horrible - but I almost envy that you found out what your mother said about you being a slut at seven.  (And, by the way, WTF???!!!).  The biggest obstacle for me has been the self doubt.  As the so-called designated patient of a very shiny, pretty family, I have been like a sleuth digging for evidence of their toxicity.  Building enough of a case to counter the guilt and shame of walking away.  It's pretty much done now, though.  And I agree with you that it takes clarity of thought and healing to a whole other level.

[need2bme]

  I know this might sound horrible - but I almost envy that you found out what your mother said about you being a slut at seven.

I totally understand this!!!!!  I had so much 'evidence' against them...but because of the brainwashing and control...I still could not end it.  It was terrifying.  So, I completely get that!  When she said that, she took my difficult decision and made it an easy one!  But think of this...you don't need proof of anything to live your life!!!  I couldn't understand that until now.  I no longer need proof that they are what they are.  I didn't cut contact to punish them or to pay them back...I cut contact because it's what I needed for MY healing.  It was coming regardless...but that little push was appreciated actually!  Do it for you...because YOU DESERVE TO FIND LIFE!!!!!  And life can't happen with them there...not for you.  At age 44, I honestly believed I couldn't make it on my own...because they belittled me, they brainwashed me to believe I was unable to truly live without them.  But once I got out and began to heal, I realized...I had been making it on my own since I was 17!!!  They just kept my mind in prison so I didn't actually realize how strong I was...how capable I was.  And now...I like me!  I love me!!!  I'm finally stepping into the space that I control my life!  In my NET therapy I've recognized I always played the part that others set for me to play...but now...I choose what part I play and who gets to be in my play...because I'm no longer their property!  I compared it to a chessboard.  On a chessboard you only have so many moves you can make...and you have to play a few moves ahead to win.  That feels a lot like the games they play...you are always trying to stay in front a few moves to survive.  But...I just picked up my chess piece and walked right off the board!  I won't play their game anymore!  And I will choose who is important in my life...because it IS MY LIFE!!!  I wish you the best and hope you find the strength to break away and find a life of your own and a life of peace and happiness!