I just want it to be over

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm just so hurt anytime DH desires contact with his parents. They hoover and he responds. They talked today. It's hard to not know because of him being home all the time and it falling to me to keep the kids away. He said after Christmas and he held them off for one stinkin' day. 

I feel invalidated by him every time, and so insecure. I can re-logic myself into my reasons for NC easily enough. I can even articulate them well to him. I can even logic myself into all the ways that yes DH is in fact loyal to me. And yet he's "by nature a problem solver" and his problem can't be solved as long as I am unwilling to try with his parents, so in a way I am his problem. Because he believes people change and we could have some kind of family relationship if only... And I'm sent into the bad emotions once again.

It hurts that he has only once gotten at all angry with his mother, and that wouldn't even tip the Richter scale of my own emotions. Never once has he seen my obvious pain and said, "Of course you shouldn't have to go through this. Nobody has any right to ask it if you, let alone the people who hurt you so bad in the first place." I've said it, but it's been met with silence. There's always the hope that someday I'll be strong enough to face them and give them a chance. No. I don't want to give them a chance and I want my husband to be done with them too. I want him to be disgusted by disgusting behavior, especially toward his wife, imagine. But I can't make that happen for him. I want it over. But it won't be over for our marriage until...?

It seems like his ignoring parents are really just dragging out the drama, giving DH and me long periods of amnesia in between shit. Maybe I just can't even know that he interacts with them at all? I hate being this fragile but I AM. We did do it that way before and then one time we had a situation I needed to know about it and make a decision together. He told me, "I talk to my parents more than you think I do," and well that was absolutely terrible. But the result of that decision was this six month silent treat they just ended.

Going for another round of emotions and a lame attempt just increases my sense that the shit is gonna hit the fan some day, and I'm just making them madder, which I feel whether there's been recent Hoover's or not. I feel that way about my FOO too. They will not go silent into that good night, but rage, rage... and someday I'll be cornered. Which is not poetic at all. That's a trauma response to my logic brain but it seems true. If I thought confrontation would work I would do it. I've learned enough that I believe it wouldn't, but I just want to be done.

[bloomie]

Cordelia - I am sorry you are hurting. I am sorry for how deeply you have been hurt by your in laws and your H's continued contact with them in spite of their poor treatment of you.

This stuff is hard. Like bone weary, deep seated hard.

It's hard to not know because of him being home all the time and it falling to me to keep the kids away.

I gently say that this would not work for me. Did you agree to this or is this an expectation of you that you are complying with and that keeps your nose to the window (figuratively speaking) looking in on him talking to and continuing a relationship with people who have harmed you?

Um... nope. I have to be honest and say my boundary would at the very least be... do this on your own time mister and have the kids crawling all over you while you do it, or go down the street and stand in the snow or rain or cold and talk to your divisive and not so nice parents.

You do not have to facilitate this or deal with it in the sacred space that is your home.

He wants to talk with his parents... okay. He can figure out where, when, and how without involving you.

Sometimes we have to stop trying to 'convince' our H's that we have been terribly hurt and that their continued interactions with their family are undermining and feel like a stinging betrayal which sets our healing back over and again and destabilizes the loving connection you have together.

Sometimes people, even people who truly love us like our H's do not get it and/or do not have the resolve to chart a course of action that is best and right for our family and stick with it without waffling back and forth only causing more confusion and hurt all around. (that was my experience for many years anyway)

Sometimes the only thing that brings a respite and ends it is to say: "not in my house you don't!"

My 0.2 pennies. My heart is with you and for you. Much good strength and comfort to you dear Cordelia!

[Hilltop]

I'm sorry you are hurting so bad Cordelia.  I'm not sure what to write but I know the feeling well.

I remember wanting DH to never talk to his parents again and hate them as much as I hated them because deep down I knew that is what would hurt them and I wanted them to hurt as much as I had.  In the end I realised I didn't want to come between anyone's relationship like what MIL had done to me, I realised that it's DH's parents and he is going to want a relationship with them and his relationship with them is different to mine with them.  It was bitterly disappointing that he couldn't see what I saw but then I was asking him to see that his mother was a liar.  It was really too hard for him.  DH called MIL in the car on the way home from work and possibly this is something your DH could do as well.

I remember one occasion DH did stand up for me though and didn't talk to his mother for two weeks after she did something.  I did feel validated for a short time. In her panic she rushed out to get me presents and brought them over, showing him.  Then of course everything went back to normal and I realised that is how it was, she made amends with him, DH saw her making an effort of some sort and I was expected to move on. There was no apology just a show of gifts.  I realised nothing was going to change.  So for me, DH and MIL have their relationship and my relationship with MIL is entirely separate.  I now choose to stand up for myself and make sure DH is left out of it.

There is so much hurt and anger.  I would ask your DH to keep his calls to when you are not around as you process your emotions. Its too hard with the constant reminders around you.  Take care.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you both so much. I really had no warning yesterday, and I chose to keep the kids busy so they didn’t know that Daddy was talking to Gramps and Gran. The kids are also NC. I did after the fact say next time leave the house. He used to do the on the way home from work thing, too. But now work is in the house.

Anyway, in an odd twist, it appears there isn’t going to be a next time? DH and his parents left it with as long as I’m not willing to have a conversation with them, there’s really no point in them having a continued relationship! 

I did not ask for further details. But on DH’s side he has expressed in the past that if he can’t share much of his life then it simply makes things terribly awkward. Yep, it does. Oh well. If it’s not worth it to have a limited relationship well that says a lot! And the blame of it all on me is certainly not far from the surface.

I think DH is sincere, and he is clear that we come before his parents. He did let the ST go on for six months without picking up the phone, and it would have gone on longer had they not reached out. But it’s so messed up. I wrote yesterday that I wish it was just over, but I don’t feel relief. Just grief.

[Fiasco]

His own parents telling him if he can't get you in line they don't see the point in a relationship with THEIR OWN SON? Just wow. Hugs for both of you.

[Hilltop]

Am I right in thinking it's more the grandchildren?  So if DH doesn't agree to ending NC with the kids, they are saying it's not worth it to them.  To end NC with the kids would mean a conversation with you I am assuming.  Even if they are upset over the grandchildren you would think they would be willing to work on their relationship with their son. Are they trying to scare him into contact, threatening to end the relationship unless he does something?  They think this will force him into making sure you comply with their wishes?

I would not accept any blame for this, if your DH brings up anything about you I would tell him his relationship with his parents is his own, solely his own and their behaviour is their own to deal with, if its been less than great this is something they have to accept, it isn't on you to accept poor treatment from anyone.  I would feel validation though, if DH has agreed to NC with the kids and his parents then he does have your back, this is a massive show of support for you.

I think it's reasonable that your DH tried to have a relationship with them on his own.  The fact that they couldn't do that without having everything they wanted says a lot.  They couldn't put the issue of the grandchildren aside to work on the relationship with their son.  Yes its an emotive issue but they can't see past thinking this is about a conversation with you.  Their thinking is all backwards, if they had a loving relationship with their own son, treated you with basic courtesy, they would have a relationship with their grandchildren.  When things got hurtful with you and the damage started they could have stopped their behaviour, it really is that simple.  They can't cry about it now, they had plenty of opportunity to fix things and sometimes people go too far, which your in-laws did.  As a start they could work on their relationship with your DH and its a shame they can't do that.  For them its all or nothing.

The grief is your way out, embrace it, it wasn't until I grieved that I let go of a lot of it.