NC but do I cash the cheque she sent in the mail?

[ShyTurtle]

My PD adoptive mother was horrible to me growing up, and I had to go NC in order to heal myself from her over the past year. I'm middle aged, and it's been a rough life journey up until this point in my life since early on she taught me that abuse was "love."

I never outright never said I want nothing to do with her, but she never calls me either so it's normally pretty easy to avoid her.  The last time I saw her was at a funeral in the fall, and did that grey-wall thing with her to protect my new found happy bubble of sanity.

So do I cash the cheque or will that mean that we will have to have a follow-up phone conversation where I thank her and she dumps all of her emotional problems and life struggles and guilt trips on to me.... I get a headache and my stomach turns just thinking about that.

I've mostly given up on ever having a loving mother, but at Christmas time & new years it hurts a bit extra.

What would you do?

[SunnyMeadow]

I would not cash the check. Those checks come with many strings attached. For your health and well being, don't cash it and don't reply. Stay safely NC, sounds like your body is getting sick at the very thought of it.

Protect yourself from her.

[GettingOOTF]

Personally I would not, but you need to do what is best for you.

I'd be aware though that those things always come with strings.

It does hurt to know that you will never have a loving parent. I found that NC gave me the space to accept that and to find other things to fill my life.

[ShyTurtle]

Thanks for your wisdom you guys <3 I will not cash that cheque!

[JustKathy]

Unless you really need the money, I wouldn't cash it. There will definitely be strings attached.

My Nmother did the same thing after I went NC. When I didn't cash the first check she sent another, and another, raising the amount each time. I didn't cash any of them and am so glad I didn't. She chose personal checks over gift cards because there's no way to know if a gift card has been used, but they can verify if a check was cashed. It's a common hoovering tactic. Ignore it if you can.

I understand that extra bit of hurt at Christmas. Even when you think you've moved on, the hurt still creeps back in. Sending you healing hugs and best wishes for a happy new year. You're not alone.

[Sidney37]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.  I'd say no, too.  I accepted money years ago when I purchased my home and again just after.  She insisted the checks were gifts.  I didn't need the money and it vested it.  She looked at the US tax regulations for giving such gifts.  They were both well below the threshold and were described as gifts.  Both checks together were less than it would take to buy a car. 

We are now NC and she started sending communication to demand the money back.  That was after years of wanting quarterly statements of my financials to see if I've properly spent/invested the money.  I said no to both.  I'm still left wondering if I should send the money back so there are no longer ties to her. 

I regret ever cashing the checks.

[Boat Babe]

It would be unethical to take money from someone you don't want in your life imo.
Life with PD parents is so complicated and painful. . Sending hugs.