What is he playing at?

[CagedBirdSinging]

For the last 5 years I have been married to a man who is sullen, grumpy, moody, selfish - who gives me the silent treatment, lectures and belittles me, does nothing to help with the kids, lies, gas lights and manipulates.

Now I have found a house for me and kids to rent, and I am definitely leaving in a couple of weeks. PdH has turned into a different person. He is mostly being pleasant and is trying to talk to me more. He has even been cooking dinners. Normally he acts all grumpy if I go to see my family, but now he doesn't mind. For 5 years I have listened to his right wing racist sexist views, but now he is pretending not to be right wing any more.

I know all this is just pretend. He hasn't really changed. He is just pretending as a ploy to get me to stay. If he is watching YouTube he turns it off as soon as I enter the room, so that I can't hear the racist sexist shit he is listening to, no doubt.

He is playing a game so when I leave he will act as if there was no reason- he had changed 'so much' and was 'being so good' and 'trying so hard.'
He will accuse me of being unwilling to forgive him, even when he showed he had changed.

This is such crap. I know deep down he hasn't changed. It is just another manipulative tactic. Anyway, even if he had changed I have no doubt he will revert back to his old ways - maybe not for a year, or 5 years or 10 years..  possibly at a time when I am unable to leave. Right now I have an escape route, and I have to take it.

I wish I had moved to the new house with the kids already. I was trying to be kind, waiting till after Christmas. Now I just feel like my head is being messed with all the time. I'm having a physical reaction to all this. I feel dizzy and nauseous, and have had really bad headaches. PdH is trying to grab me and kiss me/hug me all the time, as part of his big performance of things being 'great'. Part of me feels guilty - should I be more forgiving?! But I know none of this is genuine.

[Boat Babe]

He knows you have reached the end of your rope. He is desperate for you to stay. He is acting like a nice guy all of a sudden. None of this is real and you know it.

You have a safe exit plan? GO FOR IT.

We are here for you. 💖

[GettingOOTF]

This is typical abusive PD manipulation. His usual behavior isn’t working anymore and he sees he’s losing control so he’s trying the things he thinks will work. This will not last. He will flip back to being angry etc. again and when he does he will be even more angry and frustrated because nothing is working with you. This is when they become dangerous.

There is no being “kind” to PDs. They don’t care about things like Christmas, they only care about preserving their control.

Please be careful and have an exit plan. The more he sees he’s losing control the more desperate he becomes. If you were a friend I’d tell you to pack and GTFO  of  there now.  You should not be more forgiving, this is exactly the reaction he wants. He is the person who he was when he thought you’d never leave. This is pure manipulation.

I took my ex back multiple times. Every time it got harder to leave, his behavior escalated. When I look back now I feel grateful he didn’t kill me. I think if I’d gone back one more time he would have.

Please be safe.

[1footouttadefog]

I see it this way.

He knew how to act all along.  He was knowingly not acting right.

That he can now as an act is telling.

My question would be why did he not value you enough to treat you better all along.  why was he entitled to treat you poorly.  who would intentionally treat another poorly anyway? 

These are rhetorical questions to illustrate how messed up this is. 

[ToAudrey]

CagedBird this is so beyond frustrating! I am so sorry that behavior is taking an emotional and physical toll on you. Good to see you are in touch with your instincts on this. It is so very hard when the old programming tries to sneak in and back you into obligation and guilt. You seem clear with your instincts and grounded. Keep leaning in to that.

The loud sexist You Tube is very familiar to me. The freedom from that and the accompanying behavior is going to feel amazing for you!

[Medowynd]

No forgiveness needed.  He is waiting for that moment of weakness to draw you back in.  The holidays are over.  If your house is available, can you speed up your move out date.  PDs try all sorts of tactics, and whatever gets your attention, they will continue.  This guy will not be able to maintain his current phoniness, because it is such a strain on them.  Soon the mask will slip and the real PD will once again emerge.

[CagedBirdSinging]

I see it this way.

He knew how to act all along.  He was knowingly not acting right.

That he can now as an act is telling.

My question would be why did he not value you enough to treat you better all along.  why was he entitled to treat you poorly.  who would intentionally treat another poorly anyway? 

These are rhetorical questions to illustrate how messed up this is.

This is so true. Thanks everyone for supporting me and keeping me grounded.
If he was such a great person, he could have acted like this all along. In some ways it is MORE hurtful because he is showing that he knows how to behave towards his wife, but has CHOSEN to do otherwise for the past 5 years.

BUT being a pd, of course he has an excuse at the ready (wait till you hear this one!):
He has recently reduced his dose of prozac. He says his meds were making him 'cold and horrible' and now that he is coming off his meds it's like he is 'back to being himself again.'  I never knew him before he was on meds. He has been on this prozac ever since I knew him. So I cannot disprove it (clever). I can't say what he was like before he went on the medication. BUT I can pretty much hazard a guess this is a load of crap.

When I said about being kind - I guess what I meant was that I didn't want to give him more ammunition by being the 'horrible wife' who left just before Christmas. Also I didn't have time to get the kids organised. I was just exhausted. I'm a front line worker. It has been tough. Now we are in a really tight lockdown, none of us are going to work for another week. We are barely allowed to leave the house. Covid is bad here, we are basically in quarantine. So I have to sit tight for another week, being very careful obviously, not provoking him in any way.
As soon as he goes back to work, I will have an opportunity to leave.
I know my new house is there waiting for us, which is an amazing feeling (for those following my story - housing has been my major stumbling block over the last year).

Thanks for all the help 

[Bunnyme]

I'm sorry.  It is so endlessly frustrating.  I am getting the "I just wanted to tell you what a phenomenal mother you are" etc. texts.  He is being served next week (once I figure out where he is).  I often wonder if it is really an attempt to hoover and/or if it is just so he can show his family "look at the wonderful things I say to her.'  Either way, it is a front.  Good for you recognizing it and moving forward with your plan.  You can do this!

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks again everyone. You're right, Bunnyme it is so frustrating.

I'm having a bit of a wobbly day, doubting if I should go through with this. I keep thinking 'what if he has really changed?'
What if he never reverts back to his old ways?

I feel sure that he WILL revert back. But it is going to be so hard for me to leave when he is acting so nice. This evening I was feeding the baby and he brought me a cup of tea and asked me all about a book I was reading - seemed genuinely interested and even laughed when I made a joke. This NEVER happens! It has me completely thrown.

I feel like I need to break the spell somehow. I'm going to (carefully) challenge him a bit more, and throw more domestic tasks at him, to see how he handles it. I feel like I need things to at least show signs of getting bad again before I can leave.

I wish I had left when things were really bad. That would be my advice for anyone on here. Leave while it is bad, when you have that certainty. Because this is torture.

[Rose1]

I found the normality the hardest thing because the normal instinct is to behave normally in response. 
Once you do,  it gives the impression that all is normal and the pd reverts to business as usual.

If I didnt respond the nastiness came back Increasingly quickly within a day or so and often worse in payback.

For example a gift left with something he knew I liked (but had never bothered to get in 23  years). When this did not result in an instant come home,  all is forgiven (over a bottle of alcohol?), your past bad behaviour is forgotten, within 24 hours he was bad mouthing me to anyone he could with "I tried my best but she just won't respond  woe woe woe is me etc".

Whereas at that point a genuine apology and attempt to do something about his behaviour or even pay some child support would maybe have swayed me. But no that wasn't going to happen.

So to me it felt like throw her a bone and see if she comes back but make no effort to address the real issues.

I strongly had the gut feel if I did take him back I would have paid for it big time. One way or another. He was often very passive aggressive and things would go wrong all the time, or break, or my work computer would suddenly lose data and take me days to recover it.

[hhaw]

CBS:

You struggled so hard to find this safe new nest for you and tour children.  The nice guy act....
"I just want to be a good father and husband and my mean unfair wife won't let me" is a very old tacric....useful on nice mates who care what others think.

Stick to your plan if that's what your gut tells you to do.  Pay attention to how your h reacts.  Chances are he's going to be all over the place, ki,d, cruel, threatening, trying to win you back with promises, etc.

Just know.....he won't ever follow through with any promise he makes, likely.

He'll be pressing hard to have you keep your promises though.
Every time you make a deal, it's to weaken your position.  He'll be asking you to sabotage yourself.....please resist this.

My best advice is to limit all contact to texts about the children. 

DOCUMENT everything.  You'll have to show the court the truth, bc the stbx will lie and lie and lie, IME.

Protect yourself, your children and your legal standing by limiting contact and organizing your evidence.  Trust a couple sane supportive friends or family members and ask for help staying the course.

This too shall pass and you'll be happy again.

Focus on how you'll keep the children's lives on track post divorce.  Focus on modeling mindfulness and consistency with your children. 

I'm sending you healing pink light and strength to do what you can, put down the troubles and really be present with your children in the coming months.

Thank you for your service.  Please prioritize self care....take back the energy and time you're worrying about the PD.  Stay out if other people's heads...SOOOPHing is a waste if time.

Keep your head where your feet are.....you will regret the lost time with your children if you can't find a way to put your divorce story on the shelf and embrace precious moments instead.

Don't let the pd take anything else from you.  Don't hand over your mental stability.

Do what you can, then seek joy.

Good luck,

[Bunnyme]

I found the normality the hardest thing because the normal instinct is to behave normally in response. 
Once you do,  it gives the impression that all is normal and the pd reverts to business as usual.

If I didnt respond the nastiness came back Increasingly quickly within a day or so and often worse in payback

So very true.  They have no sort skills to understand that if you say thank you for the bag of m&ms they brought you as an apology for endangering the kids and landing in rehab and verbally abusing you while there [seriously], that it doesnt excuse anything.  They are so egotistical to think that any scrap of kindness you get, you should be so grateful for them.  From my own experience, we've cycled through sickeningly sweet behavior to the nastiest over and over again to the point where I needed to get off the ride for my own sanity.

I've followed your story here, but I'm not in your home day to day.  You do what you feel is right for you and your kids.  I can say, though, that you dont need to justify your choice to anyone.  It is ok if you reached your breaking point and go, even if he is currently not being a jerk.  You deserve happiness and peace.  If it is truly at home, fine.  If it is in new place with the kids, fine.  I'm sure deep down you know what you want to do.  Do you have a therapist?   

Hugs to you as you navigate this time in your life.  Being a front line worker (thank you!) and the whole covid thing in general makes everything harder.  You are strong.