Ex's family funeral. Suggestions?

Associate of Daniel · January 01, 2021, 04:51:35 AM

My ex MIL's father has died. My uNPD exH's grandfather.

My ex MIL is keen for me to attend the funeral.

Her son (my uNPD exH) and his uNPD wife will probably attend. They are NC with his parents.

Hopefully they'll take my ds14 with them as he wants to go but is currently staying with them due to school holidays.

Ds's uNPD smother will likely try to make a scene if she sees me there.

Any suggestions as to what I should say to her? She'll likely start with, "What are you doing here?" Or, "You shouldn't be here." Iknow what I can say to that.

But what else is she likely to say and what could be my response?

I know some of you have been in this situation, or similar. What were your experiences?

I think I'll need some self care after the funeral. I think I'll arrange to see a friend afterwards.

AOD

pushit · January 01, 2021, 12:46:53 PM

If it were me, I would keep it very short and sweet. "I came to pay my respects" and "I'm happy to discuss that with you, can we please do that after the funeral?"

Then just leave after the funeral is over and don't get into the drama with her. If she wants to make a scene, let her make the scene and continue to be the polite one.

Poison Ivy · January 01, 2021, 02:35:41 PM

My ex-husband's parents, with whom he lived and for whom he provided care for many years, died about seven weeks apart in late 2019. I thought about going to the funerals and decided not to. I get along reasonably well with my ex but resent his siblings for their lack of support for him and their parents during the many years of the parents' decline. I showed support in other ways (than attending the funerals): I sent flowers, and I helped my daughters, who attended the first funeral. I also saw my ex briefly after the first funeral, at the airport where one of our children was flying back from.

I have no regrets about not going to the funerals.

Associate of Daniel · January 01, 2021, 04:03:33 PM

Thanks, Poison Ivy and Pushit.

Actually, covid restrictions have been reinstated in the last 24 hours due to an outbreak (grrr. Our state had been over 2 months free of the virus.), so I may not be able to attend the funeral anyway.

Whilst I'd be relieved to not attend, my ds14 wants to go, so I may have to battle to make that happen.

The pds make things so complicated!

AOD

athene1399 · January 07, 2021, 07:29:12 PM

I would politely let her know that you were asked to come and you wanted to show support. But maybe weigh out the pros and cons to see what you feel is the best decision. If you do decide to go, I think self care is a great idea.

sevenyears · January 09, 2021, 08:40:39 AM

AOD - I hope it all works out for you without too much drama, whatever happens.

Associate of Daniel · January 10, 2021, 04:11:32 PM

Thanks, everyone.

Looong story short: I'm now not attending the funeral and ds14 is staying with his uNPD father for an extra 2 days until after the funeral. Hopefully the days will be made up in the next lot of holidays.

UNPD exH refused to return ds at the pre agreed time. A quick call to my solicitor confirmed what I already knew: a show of good faith now on my part will work in my favour with the court later, should we end up there.

Drama and general discomfort at the funeral is going to happen whether I'm there or not.

I hope that by me not being there, ds will realise that I'm not part of the problem (at least, on that occasion) and he'll therefore be more comfortable debriefing with me about it, and the family situation in general.

My ex MIL was sad but understanding about me not attending her father's funeral.

I visited her and my FIL the other day and we had a pleasant time together.

I'm feeling huge relief at not attending the funeral and at the situation being sorted. I've been really stressed about it, more so than I do with these dramas.

But I miss my boy. I haven't seen him since Christmas day. I can't wait to see him tomorrow.

AOD

Poison Ivy · January 10, 2021, 04:46:31 PM

I think you made a wise decision, and I'm glad you get to see your son very soon.

Associate of Daniel · January 22, 2021, 05:26:29 AM

Update:

Ds14 is fine re the funeral. He was essentially whisked away by his uNPD smother straight afterwards with very little time to speak to anyone.

I arranged for him to have a facetime call with his nan a few days later.

UNPD exH is now refusing to repay the 2 days that he owes me, as I knew he probably would.

Ds doesn't want me to fight for them as he wants to "keep the peace".

UNPD exH got everything he wanted.

I'm tempted to say no to every change that uNPD exH asks for from here on. But he'll... you know what? I can't even be bothered to finish that sentence. You all know what his response will be.

I'm frustrated and angry.

AOD

oak_tree · January 25, 2021, 01:10:51 PM

AOD, that sucks about the 2 days lost

I'm inexperienced/new to the dynamics of PDs, but I'll just point out a few things that may or may not be useful...
Your DS got to go to the funeral, so he got a bit of what he wanted too, and that's good.
Your MIL was sad but understood - that's good.
If he's like other PDs, even though "uNPD exH got everything he wanted", he will not see it that way, and is still angry about something. It's not exactly a win for you, but he's likely still an angry, miserable person, and will never get everything he wants.
Take care of yourself.
OT

Stepping lightly · January 26, 2021, 03:19:50 PM

Hi AoD,

Sure is never ending isn't it? I wouldn't fight for the 2 days, but honestly, we refuse to deviate from the custody order at all. A funeral would be the ONLY exception I think we'd consider. We've had too many manipulations from BM, she never accommodates DH's requests. It also makes it easier- standard answer "we'll stick to the order".

You are so good at doing what's right for DS, he's so lucky to have you for his mom!