I Wish I'd Known This a Long Time Ago

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I was away from the boards over the holidays.   It felt a bit rough being NC during that time of the year.  But, hey!  I have now made it over *one year* without any contact with him.  Woo hoo!

It seemed like a good time to refresh my memory about why I left.  I started delving into Men Who Hate Women & the Women Who Love Them.  My all-time favorite is still Why Does He Do That?  But this has some great stuff, too.  Susan Forward talks about how there is never enough to satisfy him -- that he's an insatiable bottomless pit.

Then this line:  "It is a fantasy to believe that you can ever reassure him sufficiently or make him feel truly secure." 

Someone should have pasted that sentence on my forehead, because this was my main mission in life for YEARS!   He'd had such a tough childhood and life.  He needed someone who could give him the love and understanding he never got before . . . someone he could finally really trust.   Hey, that sounds like a job for . . . me! 

Of course I knew little about pwPD's at the time.   That the PD he developed along the way would cause such distorted thinking that there would be no way to reach beyond it.   No therapy, no heroic efforts, no amount of truth telling or endless patience & forgiveness, ever made one dent in his inability to feel secure.  I'm bleeding myself dry to try to shore him up, and every ounce of that blood is going straight down the drain.

I'm so glad to be doing it differently today!     I hope 2021 brings good things to you all!

[bluephoenix]

I've realized my marriage is exactly what you described.  It is so sad and regretful that all that wasted energy didn't do anyone good, least of all the givers. Sorry you went through that, but good to hear you started fresh. Hope things get better for you.

[1footouttadefog]

And on a positive note, if we are unable to "fix" theor issues, unable to love them to a better state, unable to sacrifice enough to improve their wellbeing etc etc etc.

Leaving sets them free to try again and perhaps come closer to finding what they need.

[Poison Ivy]

  It was life changing when I realized that I couldn't "fix" my husband, it wasn't my job in life to fix him, and he had a right to be free of my attempts to fix him.

[stormbrewing]

A friend said to me recently that it takes 60 days to break the habit when you go NC with someone you were previously high contact with. I'm half way there! I did miss the good parts of our relationship over Christmas, but I have spent the holidays that peacefully for years. It was truly lovely.

Lookin - I wish someone had said that to me years ago as well. I could never work out why after days of conflict we would have a long conversation and reach an understanding/resolution only for the same thing to come up again a week later. None of what we discussed in his 'lucid' moments ever really sank in. That barrier between feelings and facts was forged with steel, and never the two would meet.

Turning point for me was reading Why Does He Do That? and the realisation that he does it because it works. We might have been exposed to years of abuse and trauma, but the trouble for them only begins when we start to come Out of the FOG and the behaviours stop working to get them what they want.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hi Lookin2bfree I can totally relate. It is impossible to please a pd, and you can end up destroying yourself in the process of trying. I spotted this on the Common Behaviour page, I was wondering if you had seen it? This article is about borderline personality disorder, but is probably relevant to other pds too. There are some really lovely quotes in here too https://www.google.com/amp/s/returnofconflictgirl.wordpress.com/2019/04/13/bpd-and-relationship-fall

[Lookin 2 B Free]

The support and understanding of the people on this site is sooo helpful!

Bluephoenix, welcome to Out of the FOG.   You'll find the toolbox and other great resources all here.  Let us know how you're doing!

I read the post CBS gave a link to.  It says "No criticism, no matter how mild or carefully worded, is safe to make."  Yep.  Not one.  Not even an innocent suggestion of something you think you'd both like is ever okay.  There was no room for my "personhood" in that relationship.

The further I get away from our last contact, the more incredulous I feel about what he demanded and what I put up with.  For me it's taken more than 60 days to stop wanting to break my NC, but it gets better all the time.  I feel hopeful today.   I wish that for every person on here!