Stop caretaking the borderline or Narcissist

[JollyJazz]

Hello All,

Book -
Stop caretaking the borderline or Narcissist
By
Margalis Fjelstad

I recently read and really loved, loved this book. It's so practical and really gets to the heart of why non - PD's end up in the orb of narcissists or borderlines again and again (through using the same caretaking behaviors we used to survive PD parents). I particularly love the level of attention and specific instruction on how to avoid this dance in future.

Now, I hope this is okay for me to also post here, but does anyone have any books with similar themes, i.e. stopping 'care giving' for narcissistic types that they could recommend?

[SparkStillLit]

I'm just finishing this book and I'm also giving it a full recommendation and all thumbs and toes up.
It has also solidified for me that my kid is not really a PD but traumatized and with a set of maladaptive coping skills from being raised in this family.
I didn't do well.

[11JB68]

Spark, try not to think of it that way.
You did the best you could with what you had and what you knew, now you're doing better.

[ShyTurtle]

Thanks for the tip! I'll try to check this one out! Here's another one that I've read and found helpful:

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
by Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D.

[ShyTurtle]

I just found an article which quotes your book several times. It seems very practical and useful!

https://theweek.com/articles/714721/how-stop-being-pushover-life-back

This quote in particular really hits home for me right now:

"Giving up rescuing the BP/NP is an action, not a discussion. It isn't something to announce to the BP/NP. It isn't something to negotiate with the BP/NP. It isn't something to threaten the BP/NP with. It is all action. You stop participating in the merry-go-round interactions, you stop arguing, you stop worrying what the BP/NP will do next, and you stop expecting the BP/NP to fulfill your needs."

[Lauren17]

This book is by far the best I've read and the most applicable to my situation.
I seriously considered trying to set up teletherapy with the author. Diced I can't afford it.
It's been awhile, time for a re-read. Thanks for the reminder.

[Bunnyme]

I have been listening to the audiobook version that I borrowed from the library.  It is helping me to see my responsibility for how the relationship went.  The bit about how I kept caretaking more and more in the hope that he would change once he got a new job, felt less stressed, etc. But he never did.  The author rhetorically asks, "why would he?"  Very true.  He learned that no matter what he did or how much he screwed up, I fixed it.  A role I continued from his mom.    I felt pride in my rescuer role.  I was raised in a very "dont make waves" household, but embraced those lessons. 
This book is great.  I would recommend it to anyone in this situation.  However, I was so vulnerable when we first split, so far into the FOG, that I wouldve read it and incorrectly taken the message that I caused the dynamic.  I bought into it and am responsible for how the relationship went.  I had to first get to the point where I accepted that he would not change.  Why Does He Do That was very affirming. 
I'm now to the place where I can work on myself and can really get the message without reading it as blame.  I was so worried that I'd never be in a healthy relationship.  I think in reading this and really self reflecting, I see how I may be able to be in a healthy relationship in the future.  The idea that "you teach people how to treat you" seems to fit here. 
I feel like the book can help me accept my situation for what it is, him for who he is, and move on.

[Cat of the Canals]

I just finished this book and definitely recommend it, especially for anyone that finds themselves being continually drawn to PDs in friend/intimate relationships or back into one particular PD relationship (like with a parent, sibling, or in-law).

[IcedCoffee]

I am reading it now (after seeing it here). Yes, it's very good. But it's also making me feel like a bit of an idiot. The books predicts my behavior exactly!