Sad revelation my partner is PD

[maxinestruggles]

Greetings,
I came here from ALANON, when I first came to the realization that my partner had a serious alcohol addiction. I myself have a background in mental health, and I've always assumed he had some kind of PD, but didn't fully acknowledge, or am in the process of coming to terms with it now..

Some unfortunate background- I currently live abroad, and am 6 months pregnant. The conception was on purpose, during a high point in the relationship, back when I assumed that things could only continue to get better, without realizing that basically everything in the relationship is circular.

After reading the 100 traits, I realized there are things happening in the relationship I thought were unique to us, without realizing they're so common that theres names written for them...
Where can I begin?
Chronic lying-about things I would obviously find out about (his father being alive when he was really dead? money? past AMAZING careers?)
Stealing from the household (yes even at 6 months pregnant)
Massive fights where he breaks down doors, destroys gifts or relationship mementos, refuses to leave a space
Breaking up with me then laughing then proposing within the space of ten minutes
Counting my freckles, saying we should open a church together, then completely flipping and telling me ALL MY LIES WILL BE UNCOVERED.
Days of Manic behavior-dancing, partying until 6am, disappearing into the night,  followed by days in bed sleeping and not speaking
Reaching out to other women during arguments, telling them that he loves them
Self aggrandizing, almost weeping with gratitude thanking God for the way he made him
Becoming somehow actually physically ill during arguments, to the point where the fight is resolved because he needs physical care
About a million broken promises
No hope to make any concrete plans, as his mood dictates the day and can shift at any time.

But along with this are the things I love right? lively creative energy, the ability to control a room, constant phone calls from friends checking in on him and asking him to hang out, highly spiritual, loyal, and loving.

I am understanding that there is no future to this relationship, although there must be for the sake of our son yet to be born. Is it bad of me part of me wishes he would disappear? find another woman? renounce his son? He is stuck to me like gum. But if for a moment he could let go, I would be able to exit, guilt free, knowing I tried my best. I know he is a victim of childhood sexual abuse. I know how hard he has tried. He is able to acknowledge the alcoholism, but can't begin to accept anything "mental health" related.

Just happy to find this space, with other people that are suffering. I am not angry, ALANON has helped with that, but Damn is it sad. I can see the man God intended him to be, and have so much love, but know my boundaries have been crossed too many times.

[Boat Babe]

Hi Maxine and welcome to this wonderful, supportive and wise community. I am so sorry that you are in such a vulnerable and difficult situation with your partner.

Firstly, I am very worried for you and your unborn baby as you describe some incredibly toxic and dangerous behaviour. If you were my sister or best friend I would be advising you to get the hell out of this relationship BEFORE your baby is born. Once you have a little one, the chances are that your increased vulnerability will allow him to escalate his already intolerable and deranged behaviour. Abusers always escalate and not only you, but your baby will be at risk of mental, emotional and physical violence. There is nothing in your description of him that indicates otherwise.

You mention his loveable side and there is little there that gives me confidence. You say that he is spiritual, but my dog is more spiritual than your partner.  My dog loves me and would never hurt me, just saying. You say he controls a room. That is someone who uses charisma like a weapon to control his audience.  You say he is loyal but he tells other women that he loves them. That is the polar opposite of loyalty. You say he is loving. None of that appalling list of behaviours is loving. None of it.

Please do not tie yourself to this man. He will bring you and your child NOTHING BUT MISERY, or worse. Please contact a Domestic Abuse organization immediately and flee.

I have rarely been so forceful in my opinion and advice here, because that's not my job as a member, but given your advanced state of pregnancy and the behaviour you are describing, you must consider this. Get the support you need and run for your life.

Please keep in touch with us as you navigate this horrible time in your life. There is hope for you and your baby, but not if you stay with your partner. I know how hard it must be to hear this, and I am holding you in my heart. ❤️❤️❤️.

[ShyTurtle]

I agree with Boat Babe. I raised 2 babies with a pd man who started acting especially poorly after I became pregnant and it only got worse. Contact your local women's shelter for some great advice on how to understand your relationship dynamic with him better and how to leave him safely. Leaving a pd man can be very dangerous. My ex husband tried to kill me after I left, and a more recent ex stalked me for months after I left (for the 2nd time because he covered me in the 1st time - and please know that if you go back, the behaviors only get worse!)

Please make yourself and your unborn child a priority and create a plan for yourself. It's hard enough being a new mother, nevermind dealing with a pd partner too.

[Boat Babe]

Hey Maxine, are you ok?
Keep in touch my dear.
Hugs