She found my address

NCsinceJuly · January 04, 2021, 06:34:11 PM

I have been no contact with my mom for over a year now. I've moved since we last spoke and I have never given her my address. Today, I woke up to a box of birthday gifts on my doorstep. No postage - hand delivered. I am so scared.

I was naive to think that I might be able to enjoy today. My stomach is in knots, twisting between fear and guilt and sadness.

She included a homecooked recipe in the box. It's one I have been thinking about lately. It breaks my heart. I imagine her making it with love and anticipation, probably knowing in the back of her mind that her cold, cruel daughter would just throw it away. I'm sorry, mom.

Mintstripes · January 04, 2021, 06:53:57 PM

I'm so sorry this happened.

Are you able to get a camera for your residence? There are some really reasonable ones available.

Please keep in mind that people like your mom often use baked goods or other home cooked items as a manipulative tactic, from what I've experienced and read from others. I do know that terrible feeling though (conditioning, as it may be).

Do you have any idea how she might have found out? Is there a leak in the family? Are you searchable online?

Edited to add that my FOO have no idea where I live, so I can truly sympathize... I regularly have nightmares about them showing up.

NCsinceJuly · January 04, 2021, 07:19:37 PM

Quote from: Mintstripes on January 04, 2021, 06:53:57 PM

Do you have any idea how she might have found out? Is there a leak in the family? Are you searchable online?

Thank you so much for your reply and for your sympathy and support. I really appreciate it right now.

I have no idea how she discovered my address. I've only told it to a few trusted people. I suspect she may have someone looked me up in the white pages or some other online resource. She's not tech savvy at all, but I can't think of any other way that she could have figured it out.

Luckily, before this happened, I had already made the decision to move. So thank the heavens I only have to live with this fear for a couple of months. When I move this time, I am going full incognito. I'm changing my phone number, setting up a PO box, not going to register to vote, etc. I'm considering changing my last name too. She will not find me again.

Amadahy · January 04, 2021, 07:20:27 PM

Aw, NC, I'm so sorry! That sick-to-the-stomach feeling is your body's wisdom, telling you your mother is unsafe. Still, what we hope could be, hurts. I hope you can grieve without guilt and find ways to soothe your fear and sadness. We're with you.

Mintstripes · January 04, 2021, 07:37:59 PM

Oh, I'm so happy to hear you are moving.

I don't know if you want advice, but if so: maybe don't give anyone your new address right away? The P.O. Box is a good idea too.

I totally support the name change. It's really empowering.

And:

Happy Birthday!!!

NCsinceJuly · January 04, 2021, 07:55:54 PM

Quote from: Mintstripes on January 04, 2021, 07:37:59 PM

Happy Birthday!!!

I agree with you about not giving my new address out and I appreciate the advice. And I really appreciate the birthday wishes! Thank you!

NCsinceJuly · January 04, 2021, 07:56:31 PM

Quote from: Amadahy on January 04, 2021, 07:20:27 PM
I hope you can grieve without guilt and find ways to soothe your fear and sadness. We're with you.

Thank you <3 That truly means so much to me.

JollyJazz · January 05, 2021, 05:30:02 AM

I'm so sorry to hear this. Such a violation, and then the inevitable emotional tumult along with it... such a distressing situation. Sending support and a hug

Jolie40 · January 05, 2021, 01:49:26 PM

sorry that happened NCsinceJuly

there are online resources to finding anyone's address
there was a warning on our local news few years ago

JustKathy · January 07, 2021, 12:28:22 PM

Hi NCsinceJuly,

I'm so sorry this happened to you. My parents also managed to find my address, and the way they found me still has me rattled.

When I was younger, my Enfather got a work-related discount on a magazine and bought subscriptions for the three kids, subscriptions that he renewed automatically every year for a decade. Before I went NC I called the magazine, had his name removed from the account, and renewed it myself.

When I went NC I ghosted, moved out of the area, changed my phone number, and thought I was safe. I did give a change of address to this magazine, but it only had two months left on it and I didn't renew after that. Three months later my parents found me and started sending letters and unwanted packages. I was horrified. Around the same time, the magazine started coming again. What the heck? I called them and told them I had canceled the subscription and no longer wanted it. That's when they told me that someone had contacted them about sending me a gift subscription and had already paid for one to be sent to me. When I asked who, they gave me my enFather's name. They had NO right to give out my address, but in a time when printed magazines are hurting, someone decided to give out my address in exchange for a $12 subscription.

I came unhinged and asked to speak to a manager, told them I would sue if anything happened to me, but the damage is done. I never expected my parents to locate me this way, but there you have it. Also be aware that the USPS sells lists of people who have submitted change of address forms. A lot of the online spy sites get addresses this way, so if there's any way to move without notifying the post office I'd give it a try. Forwarding your mail to a P.O. box (as you mentioned) should keep your address a secret.

It's such a horrible violation to be hunted down by people who KNOW you don't want to be contacted. A legal name change can be a hassle but will be worth it to protect your privacy. I want to wish you all the best on your next move. You can do this!

BettyGray · January 08, 2021, 07:47:51 AM

NCsinceJuly,

My stomach dropped just reading your post. I think this is most of us here's worst nightmare. And it's that FEELING we fear - the heart pounding, adrenaline coursing through the entire body, stomach dropping, raw fear. Being stalked on your once-safe turf also provokes so much anger.

Quote from: Mintstripes on January 04, 2021, 06:53:57 PM
Please keep in mind that people like your mom often use baked goods or other home cooked items as a manipulative tactic, from what I've experienced and read from others. I do know that terrible feeling though (conditioning, as it may be).

Not to make light of the situation, but this quote immediately made me think of "Hansel and Gretl" and also the John Waters movie "Serial Mom" .....and on a much darker, if not fantastical "Sweeney Todd."

But it's true. Baked goods, old photos/mementos from our childhood, unwanted gifts - they are commonly-used baiting tactics. Very insidious. What are they, the Welcome Wagon?

It's absolutely terrifying how easy it is for anyone to get personal information online. Especially if you have a home phone number/landline. I haven't had one for over 10 years, but my old address was readily available. I think it is equally creepy that anti can go on a real estate sight, look at the snide of the house, see all of the entrances and layout of the house... maybe I am paranoid, but it is extremely concerning.

I don't mean to scare you any further. Everyone here has good suggestions. It makes me so angry that they push us into this position. All we want is peace. All they want is war.

DragonGirl · January 08, 2021, 09:57:04 AM

I wish our tormentors would use their excellent sleuthing skills to solve cold cases or do something else useful with their time. Seriously--if all the NPD estranged parents got together and formed a PI business they could track down criminals, deadbeat dads, you name it. But their worlds are so limited and also helping others is the last thing they want to do.

I only discovered this site recently. It probably saved me from going insane. I'm almost 50, and have never encountered another family like mine in all of my years, and I've been looking pretty hard. I felt so alone, and as you know, it's really hard to talk to "regular" people about this because our tormentors are so great at appearing nice and sympathetic. I am glad that you have the people on this board to support you. I'm glad we're all here to support each other. No one else understands why I have a panic attack when I look at a stack of mail, or why I have thirty years of cards that I can't bring myself to open. I always tell everyone I know, "please don't ever give me a gift or send me a card" and it makes me seem weird and awkward and prickly.

I went NC with my entire family this summer upon advice of my therapist. I had lived far away from them for 25 years and foolishly moved back to their area because I thought my parents were nice grandparents and I felt bad for my daughter being an only child with no cousins or family.

Luckily for me my NC overlapped with my entire family giving me the silent treatment so I had a couple months of peace where they thought they were in control. Then came my daughter's birthday in November and she got a tearful FaceTime by my uPDM and uPDF. Sorry if I have the acronyms wrong. Anyway, they must've borrowed someone's phone or iPad because I was quite thorough in blocking everyone they normally use as FM. Even though they spent the entire year giving us the silent treatment and trying to manipulate me into moving away to be closer to my ex, once they realized I wasn't moving and that I had blocked them, that started the waterworks.

Anyway my GC brother told me awhile ago that my family liked to go through my house whenever we were out of town. He said they made fun of my private things like sex toys. So humiliating. We all had each others keys for emergencies. None of them had come over to my house for a year but as soon as my daughter got that FaceTime call I knew I should've had my locks changed. See, my daughter told them that she and I were flying a few hours away to see her father. They asked a bunch of questions like how long were we going to be gone.

I immediately went into a panic because my house was a little messy and my parents have started crying at my daughter's school trying to get CPS to visit me to retaliate.

So my instincts kicked in and I double locked all my doors, zip tied the backyard gates, and barricaded my back breezeway. I also left a nasty note saying that they were not welcome on my property and if I caught them trespassing I would have them locked up in a mental asylum. I had limited time and was spiraling into such a bad panic that there was no way I was going to be able to get on the plane with my daughter.

Sure enough while we were gone my neighbor said he saw them going around my house. They must've seen my note because I haven't heard a peep since then. This is the first time I've ever stood up to them in my whole life so maybe that's why it worked.

I'm too new to give advice and now my daughter needs the computer to do her school work so I'm going to sign off and tell my whole story when I log back in.

I will think about you a lot today and wish for a huge wave of positive and protective energy to help keep you safe.

Stardust1982 · January 08, 2021, 02:34:39 PM

So sorry to hear this. I can't imagine the pain and horror of such discovery. I agree with some folks here about giving out your PO box address only. Changing your name sounds like a good idea. I'd consider this too (mostly because I hate my surname).
Try anything until you find a method that keeps you safe and away from those individuals.
Also, yay for moving to a new place!

Lili.on.the.rocks · January 17, 2021, 07:46:25 AM

I know, this stalking is so horrible!

This year my sister got a new job and our untreated BD mom just showed up in sisters waiting room sitting in a corner with a creepy smile!

The other time she called the HR lady from my work place to ask if i still work there. Luckily for me no experience with showing up unexpectedly.

Some other time back in our school days, she suddenly showed up after the school, which she never bothered to visit otherwise, looking really shocking like a scarecrow with red lips and even brighter cheeks, huge cleavage and white skirt in Merlin Monroe style, insisting loudly for me and my sister to get in the car to join to the nearest lake for a swim. (not to mention we did just that, so that the schoolmates won't notice her)

After my sister moved in with her boyfriend, BDm somehow got in the building and left the bag at the door with baked potatoes and some meat. Just like the Author says!! Amazing how it relates! Where did she get the entrance code and the flat number? During this period of time she has showed up in the building several other times during weekends and has rung on the doors. (not to mention, my sister has pretended to be away and always being scared that her boyfriend might just come home from visiting his further living parents)
At this point sister has mention hallucinating on the street and the nearest grocery shop.

Since i live abroad, it is way easier for me to kind of abstract, but it breaks my heart to hear, that BDm is always creeping back in my sisters life. Sister describes it literally like stalking, which is why i actually started to search for a forum like this.

Personally i have pulled NC off for about a year and a half, because i always go to meet my family for Christmas (except for that first year), yet always staying at my sisters or somewhere else. It has helped enormously. I feel that during those years i have become softer and kinder as a person, forgetting about BD crap. But it never goes away and the last thing with showing up at work unexpectedly reminded me about it.

Keep up the good spirits!