Unwanted physical attraction

[Free2Bme]

This is difficult and embarrassing on so many levels. Maybe others here could offer their insight on this. 

For context, I'm almost 5 years out from divorce and NC for years, no regrets.  I rarely think of updxh, when I do it's either a shudder up my spine or an empty blank feeling.  I stopped feeling anything for him long before I left. However.........

Child returned from a visit with updxh recently.  I saw a picture snapped of the two of them.  I felt immediate physical attraction to
updxh     In an instant, my 5 senses engaged and became scrambled up with memories.  I had to look away. 

He is the covert type, has the charming side and the flipside monster.  I know what he is. 

What is wrong with me. Usually I am repelled by the sight of him.  I'm certain he has nothing but misogynistic contempt for me. There have been a few times when I see him at exchanges/events, my brain is triggered back to memories with Dr. Jekyll. 

Is this trauma bonding?
Do people that are divorced from non-pd spouses experience this also?
Is this because I have no SO in my life?

My inner critic says, 'if he was so horrible, why are you still attracted to him?"
I'm now undermining myself.  I thought I had evolved more than this

[Boat Babe]

Don't sweat this Free. I still find exuPDbf physically attractive. I did from the first moment I set eyes on him.  It is what it is and I don't feel bad about it. He's also a nasty piece of work and I wouldn't pee on him if he was on fire! I don't find this contradiction troubling though and certainly don't beat myself up about it. It is no reflection on my character and not a sign of "weakness" or other self critical stuff.

It's tough not having a SO at the moment with Covid because we don't have our usual social life to meet our hardwired needs for connection. Be very very kind to yourself ❤️

[Starboard Song]

My inner critic says, 'if he was so horrible, why are you still attracted to him?"

Sometimes you'll have a disturbing experience. In the first 4 seconds of a song playing on the radio, your eyes sparkle and your heart jumps with a bit of joy: it's that song. It's the one you love. Then the crash. Over the next eon of agony (about 1/2 second) you realize it is a terribly cloying tune you always disliked, or it is by that terrible singer you've always made fun of. We know what's going on. We've judged the song as a whole, based on the singer, the lyrics, the video, the typical fan. But dammit: the tune is catchy, and for just a moment, your heart admits it.

Monstrous or no, this is the man you once loved and enjoyed. It is perfectly natural, in that moment of a glimpse, to be caught up in the memory and maybe even his current image. This is that same face and body, and he is posed wholesomely with your child. As surely as I for a moment think that I love that Back Street Boys song, it is perfectly right and natural to recognize physical attraction, no matter how monstrous he is.

You can discuss trauma bonding and all the other semi-pathological ways of analyzing this. But I'd encourage you to keep it simple: physical attraction is physical, and enhanced by memories of once fondness. You are normal and healthy, and needn't explain to yourself or to anyone else why you had a spontaneous attraction to an image of a handsome man.

This pandemic will fade and you'll have your chance again. Deep breaths until then.

[Hepatica]

Sometimes the PD's are very good looking and know how to use their sex appeal. Those are the most dangerous kind. Starboard Song is right about his analogy of the singer and the song. It's like how much I admire the writing of Nabokov but when I think of being with the guy (I know he's dead, but you get what I mean) I feel ill. You've had the entire experience of your ex. You know the good, bad and the ugly. Darn thing is, is some of them are really good looking. As I say, the most dangerous kind indeed. I think it's very human to be attracted to good looks but most of us here now have a toolbox of self-defence now that is a form of super power. 

[pianissimo]

Something I realized recently is that I'm very sensitive to my environment. If it's toxic, I regress to my former self that is more susceptible to abuse. Perhaps, you have recently interacted with some toxicity without realizing it and your interaction brought forward your former self who was attracted to your ex-husband. Your question whether it's about not having a SO intrigues me in this way. Did somebody make you feel bad about being single? I'm asking because I have a lot of people around me who "worry" about me because I'm not so social. They are not very nice people.

[Wilderhearts]

This has me wondering, if for a moment, you saw and were attracted to his false self, the person he initially had you convinced he was?

[IRedW77]

I agree with everyone else.

To me it boils down to the body wants what that body wants. Your brain quickly jumped in and straightened you right out, but we often can't control the desires we feel.

If you went out and acted on that impulse this might be a different conversation, but you didn't.

Imagine being a vegetarian that used to love meat. If you see and smell freshly cooked bacon your body wants it. You want it because you used to love eating it, but you can quickly remind yourself that it's part of a dead pig and move on with life. 

Another way to look at it is as an afterimage of a process or misplaced reaction. I get these all the time.

My car is parked in a garage now and I need to push a button to open the garage door. I used to park in a driveway and keep my car locked. How many times do I reach for the keys and try to open the garage door with the fob for the car?

Granted, it hasn't been 5, but it's been almost a  year and I still do this at least once a week. My brain just tells me to do what I was once used to.

Don't worry. Your rational brain is still in command 

[stormbrewing]

I hear you, and I agree with what everyone is saying.

Could be that you are craving contact and intimacy, and that your body remembers having that with him.

Could be that your daughter took 100s of photos (with filters) to get one they both looked good in and that's what you are seeing. You are seeing the best possible version of him, the image that he wants to present to the world, the person you fell in love with, and not the person he really is.

Could be that chemistry is chemistry and I don't think that changes over time. Sometimes we really want to be physically attracted to someone who we adore and love to spend time with, but we just aren't and it's not something that can be forced.

I think all people probably go through this, and that's why so many people reach out to exes and it's so hard to detangle, even if neither partner has a PD.

If anything it shows that you are still a healthy, vibrant human with a lot to give.

[Free2Bme]

Boatbabe, you made me laugh, thank you!

Starboard, your words brought tears (good kind), thank you!

Hepatica,  Yes, I agree about many PD's being very physically attractive.  Yes, my updxh is, and photo showed a change that caught me off-guard, he now has a full beard, which I used to love on him. 

Pianissimo, you are very perceptive.  I hadn't thought of this but, I do have a friend who sort of flaunts her success, financial security, mentions her boyfriend, great sex, well ...you get it.  I am not envious because I don't think he is faithful to her.  It could be this was all rolling around somewhere in my subconscious. 

Wilderhearts,  Bingo, this is exactly what I am attracted to.  I thought I was married to the false person he projected, then I realized that part of him was just a phantom and I was actually married to the person he truly was (sadistic).   It was really devastating.

IRedW, yes, seems reflexive in hindsight.  Thank you for the encouragement, I was focused on the attraction and not the fact that I snapped back to reality very quickly. 

Storm, it's true, I am missing physical intimacy and companionship.  Under those conditions, maybe  its normal that chemistry kicked in for a moment.

[D.]

I struggle with this topic myself.  I am appreciative of someone starting a thread on the topic.  Thank you!  I've been following all of the input, very insightful.  I know that for myself I remember as a young teen noticing that I was attracted to "bad boys".  I didn't think much of it at the time, but it wasn't until I divorced my exNPDh (20+ years married) that I realized I still felt "attracted" to the wrong men.  I worked with my therapist and came to the conclusion that it was like messed up wiring from the terrible verbal/mental abuse of uNPDf towards me and my mother.  So I still felt the attraction to "bad boys", but was aware.  I think that allowed me to want physical attraction to healthier men and I met my current husband who is healthy and appropriate.

[Free2Bme]

Hey C. ~

Yes, our 'wiring' can be very powerful.  I worry about my daughters and the type of men they might choose, they saw me tolerate a lot from their F (I was married 20 years as well).  I try and have a lot of open dialogue about red flags, etc. and so far they seem fairly discerning. 

It gives me hope to hear that you were successful in developing attraction to a healthy man. 

[D.]

Free2Bme, Hope is key.  I am happy to hear this information helped.  It sounds like you are absolutely on the right track with your daughters with open communication and by removing yourself from the abuse.  They learn so much by observation.  And again, I appreciate the opportunity to reflect on the topic.

[melw82]

A great act of honesty here Free2Bme!

I relate in some aspects. My narc-ex was tall, handsome, intelligent and sex & intimacy were at the centre of our toxic cocktail. He heavily used sex and attraction as tools for his manipulation. Someone on here mentions the attraction is most likely the "false him". I'm inclined to agree.

I overcame this for myself by taking a brutally honest look into my own sexuality. And I explored this through dating - including being very honest on my profiles on dating apps and fully embracing it. I have never dated in my entire life up until this point - aged 37 at the time. It helped me define me by trying to explain to others who I really am with regards to preferences, wants and needs, what attracts me to others and overcome some senses of co-dependency by realising that there so many other people out there. This minimised my feelings of 'bond' with the ex.

Not sure if any of that helps.

Essentially you shouldn't be embarrassed by how attraction works for you - you just need to meet someone who is honest and genuine with the qualities you find attractive.