Disinterest in your goals/achievements

[Mintstripes]

This was definitely a theme with my NC FOO and ex PD spouse.

I’ve noticed the behavior in some friends too. For example, I have been really excited about some important career/academic decisions I’ve made over the pandemic. I wanted to share with someone, so I sent a message about it to a friend (I hadn’t said anything for about 6 months because I wanted to be sure of my decision). When she responded, she didn’t mention it at all and started talking about completely unrelated things (about her life, problems etc). A few weeks later, I mentioned it again and what do you know: she ignored it completely a second time. I’ve learned my lesson and won’t bring it up again.

Anyone experience this type of behavior too?

[JollyJazz]

Hi Mint,

I'm very sorry to hear that. It's definitely reasonable and very healthy to want friends / loved ones to support you and share in your excitement about good things on your life.

When she responded, she didn't mention it at all and started talking about completely unrelated things (about her life, problems etc). A few weeks later, I mentioned it again and what do you know: she ignored it completely a second time.

I would say, it's a definite red flag! Maybe she feels unhealthy envy about the good things in your life, and doesn't want you to feel too good by encouraging you 😳

In my own situation, after being badly emotionally abused by a friend, I am thinking of methodically jotting all the redflags down in a journal. Some friends I think are good for an 'outer circle' - to do certain tasks/activities with, but not sharing anything really personal with.

I also find I've gotten a total 'silent treatment' from family and unsupportive friends over my new job (which I absolutely love). I've struggled and studied and been poor and strived for years to get a position like that. Only to get stony silence (like I e done something wrong). Other friends are full of support (and they are the ones I'm trying to spend time around).

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this lack of support 😔 Its really good that you want more from these friendships though😊 I'm sending you support for the exciting new career decisions you've made... and I hope you find good people who can really support you ☺️

[Phoenix Rising]

I think this is a common behaviour. My uPD grandmother did this ALL the time. I am VLC with her now but I remember the last time I tried talking about an achievement three years ago. I got 100% on this undergraduate paper. It was 25 pages long and I spent weeks planning it, stayed up the whole night before it was due to get it done. I mailed my father and her one separately. The next time I talked with her on the phone, she made no mention of it. I asked if she got it in the mail and she said yes. Then she went on to talk about her heart and "money" problems.. the whole woe is me.

Ex-NPD/APD was like this too. Everything was about his world, his kids, his job, his hobbies, his problems, his dreams. During the courting period, I'd bring up some of my goals in life and he just went on with his train of thought, like as if I never said anything at all  I don't know how I ignored this red flag.. I felt deep inside that it wasn't cool that he had no concern for my life but pressed on anyway. 

After having these (and more) experiences, I struggle to talk about my achievements to other people. I don't bother with uPD grandmother or the rest of the FOO since my father died. He was the only one who cared and cheered me on.

I hope that you will continue to talk about your goals to more supportive people and that you will reach them. I don't know if there are other strategies, especially if you don't have other people to share these with, but I have learned to cheer myself on and celebrate my own achievements. Especially when I struggle to share it with the people in my life who are receptive and supportive of these kind of milestones.

[blunk]

I'm so sorry that your friend has been so unsupportive. I just want to say that I am proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself! I do believe that this type of treatment is a common pd trait. Besides the fact that they're not the center of attention if you are talking about yourself for even a moment...it always seemed that they don't want to see anyone doing "better" than they are.

I experienced this a few times with bpdxh. I went for a management position within the company that I work for, and I got it. I was excited and nervous, and while he said that he was happy for me, it seemed hollow. He later admitted that he was resentful of my new position because I was making so much more money than he was. This was also during the time that we were trying to buy a house, so the extra income gave us a lot more options as far as what we could afford. Then a few years later I went for another promotion that I did not get. Normally it would not be a big deal, but there were circumstances surrounding the person who got the job and how it was handled that made it upsetting for me. (It was so bad that the person in charge of filling the position eventually came to me and admitted they made a mistake, and that I should have gotten the position.) He completely dismissed my feelings as if I didn't have a right to be upset with being passed over. He seemed happy, I remember feeling that much more upset that he couldn't be supportive at a time when I needed it.

The other time was when I started running in road races. I admit that I was a beginner and not very fast. But I tracked my times, and I had done better with each race. I mentioned to him how proud I was at having beat all of my previous times on a tougher route, and he replied, but you still lost to a bunch of old ladies and little kids. I was so deflated. When it was time for the next race, I said that I wanted to go by myself, and he replied with something like, why so you can tell everyone that I don't support you. They really just don't get it.

[SparkStillLit]

Hey, Mintstripes, WAY TO GO! And during a pandemic and all!

Yes. I get this all the time. Like Phoenix, updh just rolls right over whatever I said. Or worse, belittles it in some way.  PdM does similar things, and THEN she immediately holds up gcbro's latest "achievement". (Sometimes they are. Sometimes it's just weird.)
I do have friends that I can talk to, who don't do this nonsense.

[Amedee]

That's an interesting observation, Mintstripes.  I am so used to being ignored/dismissed in my FOO that it just seemed kind of normal.  I developed a - probably annoying - habit of a.) habitually repeating something I'd just said.   b.) in a sense, attempting to hold up both ends of the conversation myself.  Sort of a one-woman show.  And  c.) overly focusing on the other person's interests and opinions.

I would also talk fast, and try to keep my sentences short and entertaining.     I had/have a big fear of boring or annoying the other person.

As you can imagine, it was eye-opening when I made a conscious effort to stop that, and look for reciprocity.  I think the most painful realization was my siblings' (and siblings-in-laws'!) complete lack of empathy, or even real curiosity about me or my life.  With my parents it was very similar, except for there I could see the added layer of trying to maintain control and the upper hand. 

[Starboard Song]

Our version came in two flavors: either your good news was ignored, or it was turned into bad news.

"Promotion? Well be careful. So often, they only increase their demands on your time, and your quality of life keeps going further downhill."
"You actually sold the song you wrote? How do you know they won't steal it and release it with another artist without paying you?"
"Paving your driveway? You know it's going to crumble along the edges, right?"

(not real quotes, of course, for privacy)

The struggle is real.

[Amedee]

Lol, Starboard Song.  That is so TRUE!!  I can relate 100%.  There was a long time, I thought I was just paranoid about revealing personal news to my family.  Until I took a step back and really observed their responses.

[SparkStillLit]

Amedee oh my GOSH I do those things!   I try really hard to break those habits, and it's so *embarrassing*!  The other thing I do when I actually have someone's attention is gush forth like a crazy well! That's even WORSE. Like all the stuff I've ever wanted to say for years and years just comes POURING out.
Poor unsuspecting people.

[Poison Ivy]

For a long time (i.e., including when we were still married), my ex has seemed uninterested in my job. I'm not sure, but I think this might be because he struggled to stay employed in the field for which he was educated and then struggled in any type of job. I'm guessing he feels embarrassed about our different levels of achievement in the workforce.

[Janeite V]

Good on you for using this time to make some wonderful decisions for your life. It sounds like you've been reflecting a lot during the lock-downs and have made excellent use of a very difficult situation. I hope that you will find the academia very fulfilling, especially in the knowledge that you are NC with those who might act like you were getting too big for your boots.

It took me way too long to figure out that talking about the wonderful things going on in our lives to certain people leaves you just as vulnerable as talking about the difficulties. Before I came Out of the FOG and went grey rock, I'd often try to talk about only positive things, thinking that would be a good way to connect, only for the narcissist to tear them down and belittle them. I still have difficulty doing things I love in front of people. I find myself often diminishing them myself before others have the chance. Things like "it sounds silly, but I really like..."

I also think this sort of dismissive or uninterested behavior is quite common among non-PDs, but for different reasons. Some people have difficulties relating to others and will share their own stories in an effort to connect. Others are extremely lonely or isolated and might tend to dump their own achievements or sorrows onto the very rare person who seems to listen to them.

It can be difficult to tell the difference, and even when it isn't calculated it can still be hurtful and frustrating.

I hope there are people around you IRL who are secure enough in themselves to celebrate your achievements with you. Perhaps you might even meet them during your studies!

[Mintstripes]

Thank you to everyone for responding. I want to reply properly but have been preoccupied with some health concerns. Trying not to panic. Going in for a procedure at the end of the month and still don't know who I'm going to ask to take me there, bring me home and watch LO. We're in the middle of a pandemic and political violence on top of it all and it's been a lot. It's going to be ok!!!!!!!   

[Phoenix Rising]

Hoping everything goes well with the procedure and that everything gets figured out soon!