Mom changed her banking address to mine

[Fortuna]

A bit a go I got a statement from a bank i didn't recognize from my mothers trust. It was an account statement. I found it odd, but figured maybe there was a new banking regulation so all trust members got a statement. So I finally got around to calling the bank. No my mom changed her address to mine. I'm certain now it was for the sole purpose of making sure I saw the savings accounts she's opened up for the kids. She this post for more detail.  https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=87052.0

So the only way for the address to get changed back is for my mom to change it, which wold mean I would have to contact her.  I politely asked the bank rep to nudge her to change it back and will be returning everything to Return to Sender/Not at this Address. If it continues I may have to bring the postal inspector into this, in some cases stating a false address without consent of the owner is considered fraud.  Such a freaking Narc thing to do. Assuming my address is her address. I swear she's only getting worse.

[Fiasco]

Call the bank back, tell them that person does not live there and that if they don't stop sending you someone else's mail you'll consider it harassment. If they claim they can't fix it call their corporate headquarters and tell them how the branch is participating in you being harassed by a stalker. They totally can fix this they just don't want to.

[Associate of Daniel]

 

I'm kind of half joking here but...

If the bank then doesn't stop sending the statements to you, tape one to a brick (yes, a brick) and post it to them marked C.O.D.

Better yet, send it to your mum.

Sorry. I've just woken up and am apparently not in a good enough mood to be nice to or about pds today.

AOD

[AnonymousHippopotamus]

wow,  I've got no real advice but had to share my shocked response. This is such a narc move! I would have done the same, and post it with "not at this address". What desperate, psycho mentality. All under the illusion of "oops, did i do that, i only meant to do this..." BS. 

Hope you get it sorted X

[Starboard Song]

As awful as this is as a forcing tactic, you don't need to engage in an epic battle with the bank or her or anyone else. I'd encourage you not to call the bank.

Simply writing "No such person at this address" on the envelope and leaving it in the mailbox with the flag up will do. It is the path of least engagement: what you'd do if -- rather than this known person -- it was mail for a random stranger. Take a sharpie with you to the mailbox. The whole procedure will take less than seven seconds and that mail will never make it to your door. It is also completely fine to drop it all directly into the garbage: you do not owe anything to that mail.

Be good. Be strong.

[Fortuna]

Thank you all for the advice. The idea of sending back a brick made me smile. (Won't do it, it would just be rude to my mail carrier.) I think I'm going to most take Starboard Songs advice and just do the "not at this address" thing, but I think I'll be taking pictures of each for documentation. If the bank can't figure out I don't want the statements after a few times, then I might escalate.

Honestly I feel like I'm trying to restrain myself from going to war over this. (I have to keep telling myself, that I can't because it's the action she wants and that's why she's pushed the button.) It's such a violation of boundaries to take my own address from me. Dismissing me to the extent that not even my home is safe from her shenanigans. I don't want to see mail from her. I don't want to see mail addressed to her come here. 

[Andeza]

Hey Fortuna, I used to work in a bank years ago. If you can get it returned to sender, it should force them to stop sending you stuff. Banking privacy laws are pretty serious things, and if they believe they violated it, they'll snap to and hold all her mail until she updates her address on file.

[Starboard Song]

Your hard emotional work at non-escalation will pay you back in peace.

Remember that your injustice meter is going off all the time, blinking lights and sounding buzzers, telling you to take action and fight back. But it's all a false alarm, because you've determined a different route. The opposite of love isn't hate: it is indifference. And detached bemusement about something like a stray piece of mail is what you aspire to. Think of it this way. Your M's bank mail is probably drowned out by all the commercial junk mail you receive. It really is no imposition at all to have one one more item in the box that (1) you didn't ask for, and (2) doesn't obligate you to do anything you weren't doing anyway (walking to the trashcan).

So tell your injustice meter to chill, and take the least active step possible. You can either do the "Return to Sender: No Such Person at this Address" thing, or you could just throw it away with the other junk mail. I personally prefer the former, because it seems to me to be the high road. And taking the high road makes us feel lighter and at ease. Less vigilant. Either way, remember that you will not let her force you with these shananigans.

And you're right about the brick. Mail carriers do not actually deliver such things COD: they discreetly dispose of them.

Be strong.

[GettingOOTF]

My ex used to to this. I asked him repeatedly to stop. I returned a few saying "not at this addesss", then I started throwing them out with the junk mail.

After a few months of not contacting him about it they stopped.

[DetachedAndEngaged]

When I moved into my current apartment I got a fair amount of mail from several previous tenants.

I found simply writing Return to Sender/Not at this Address on the envelope worked, _especially_ with financial statements.

Also spoke with the mail carrier and explained she should only deliver mail with my name. She appreciated the heads up and said she'd take care of it.

If you are never there when your mail carrier delivers, you can also leave them a note.

Problem quickly solved with zero drama.

[GettingOOTF]

Mail for previous tenants is not the same as an abusive family member deliberately using the mail system to abuse and harass you.

The former eventually stops, the latter is ongoing and a huge invasion and source of stress. I liken it to being attacked in my own home because that's how it feels.

No one is under any obligation to engage with abusive family members, that includes returning the mail they have sent to your home.

My therapist advised that I throw mail my ex was having sent to my home straight in the trash outside. This is exactly what I do.

I've been divorced for years and my ex is still having items mailed to my house. He does it to get my attention and to make sure I know he can still get to me. I'm under no obligation to subject my self to his abuse and neither is anyone else.

[Starboard Song]

It's so true, GettingOOTF, that this is very wrong, and very hard for the recipient: this unwanted mail is an assault on the peace of her home. I appreciate you highlighting that point.

My home still receives unwanted mail from my MIL. Some of it used to make my blood boil, back when we used to open and read it. And even now, just the act of carrying it to the trash feels like servitude, and it infuriates me sometimes. Her continued effort to engage my DS, while never calling my cellphone as we've offered to let her do, drives me nuts. I feel deeply injured when I see her handwriting on an envelope.

Given that it has arrived in that mailbox, a couple of us in this thread approach the next decision from the same angle: how can the recipient gain the most peace in the next few minutes? I believe the two routes that are the lowest energy, lowest engagement, and lowest drama are to write No Such Person at This Address on the envelope and leave it in the mailbox, or to drop it directly in the trash with the commercial junk mail.

I hope OP will appreciate that those of us likening this to commercial junk mail, and noting how quick and easy it is, mean to indicate not that it is morally the same but that she has the power here. Tricks to force her to engage or to control her will not succeed. The mental state of indifference that I described is very hard, but I believe is something to aspire to. I wish for OP a future state where mail addressed to her M really is just like an ad for Sirius XM, and goes the same path with barely a second thought. A future state where her M behaves in the first place is likely unattainable.

[GettingOOTF]

The issue for me is not dealing with the mail I get. I simply throw it out. The issue is that it doesn’t stop coming and I’m helpless to prevent it coming. I’m attacked in my own home and there is no way to be safe from it. That’s the difference with junk mail. With some effort you can stop all junk mail. Junk mail is also not personal. You’re on a list with millions of others.

I just don’t want anyone to think that they are overreacting or not handling the situation correctly.  When an abuser targets you like this there is nothing you can do to stop it and there is nothing you did to cause it. It’s important for anyone reading this thread to know that it is not their fault and they are doing the best they can. And that your feelings are valid and not “drama”.

[Starboard Song]

Those are important observations, and I agree with you. I suspect other members do, too. OP is not to blame, and OP's feelings about this assault on the peace of her home are valid and legitimate, and not frivolous.

Some of us are decribing the low-energy path of "return / dispose of" as a no drama approach. I consider it "no drama" compared to the high-energy approach of calling the bank, for instance, and even arguing with them about it. I hope none of us use "drama" pejoratively to describe the emotional state of those being hassled and pecked at by a PD person in their lives.

Thank you, GettingOOTF, for making sure that OP knows -- without a doubt -- that we are all on her side.

[Pepin]

I don't think that RTS will work in this case.  We had loan statements sent to our address for a person that never lived here.  They lived two blocks away though and we have no idea what happened that our address was on their file.  It didn't matter how many times I wrote RTS or even that I shredded the statements.  They kept coming.  I had to walk into the bank with the stack of statements and sort it out there. 

In your case, I wouldn't elude to the fact that the statements you are receiving are those of a family member.  Just say that this person doesn't live at your address and that it must stop.

Also, definitely talk to the post office and the postal carrier and notify them that they must pull any mail that is not in your name.  They can do this.  You can even leave a note on the mailbox reminding the carrier of this.

For me, I would be too triggered to open the mailbox knowing that stuff like this was in there.  This is a financial abuse.  But, make sure to document it somewhere.  Keep a log and file it away where you don't see it.     

[DetachedAndEngaged]

Lest there be any misunderstandings about why I posted my experience dealing with unwanted mail: I know what it is like to be stalked by an ex-PD, including having my apartment ringer buzzed continually and repeated at 3AM on a weekly basis,  having packages dropped off at the door of my apartment complex, being called at all hours of the day and night for years, having complete fabrications posted about me on social media, women I was later dating being contacted and told lies by this ex-BPD. I am still being occasionally phone stalked by this woman I have not seen in over five years.

I sympathize with anyone else who is experiencing this harassment. It is disturbing and can be very scary. Such fear is not unfounded. Fear is an emotion that should be taken seriously--it helps us protect ourselves. On the other hand, sometimes our fears don't match the reality of the situation. Finding an emotional balance can be difficult.

I have shared practical steps on this board several times I've taken that have worked to reduce this harassment. If others find them helpful, great. If not, that's fine too.

To be crystal clear: no one is under any obligation to act the same way I do.

A gentle suggestion: if, upon reading someone else's description of what they have found helpful, one feels negatively judged or criticized, reflect on why this feeling arises.

My observation is that harassers can be devious and devise ways to try and bait us into involving third parties, ratcheting up the drama which harassers can feed off of. I have found it helpful to recognize this dynamic and focus on taking practical steps to insulate myself from the harassment while not feeding the PD's addiction to drama and attention. I have avoided doing things that indicate to my stalker her behavior is impacting me, including taking elaborate steps to block her calls and messages so that she's not aware she's being blocked.

I previously posted about how I dealt with the social media campaign of lies and slander by simply ignoring it and not caring what anyone who took it seriously thought. It quickly ended. This is not to say that it is appropriate to ignore all harassment.

When one's physical safety is at issue, involving third parties like attorneys and law enforcement may be appropriate.

In general, I have found the only truly effective way to deal with PDs is to eliminate or at least reduce their presence in my life. Engagement-reducing strategies have always worked best for me. That includes not engaging with flying monkeys and other third parties.

How one chooses to frame such situations can impact how it affects us emotionally. Having been physically assaulted and even mugged at gunpoint previously in my life, I do not characterize the stalking that I've experienced as "assault." For me, not framing it in such extreme terms has been helpful. I encourage everyone to frame their experiences in whatever way brings them to the most healthy place in their lives.

What works for me does not necessarily work for anyone else.

[Spring Butterfly]

Fortuna, that is crazy making and I like how you're handling it! "I politely asked the bank rep to nudge her to change it back and will be returning everything to Return to Sender/Not at this Address."

Assuming my address is her address.

I can relate, so much of the enmeshed PD behavior I was subjected to had to do with taking my past experiences, current situations, and future goals as her own.

I swear she's only getting worse.

that was my experience and so many others here. Once I disengaged and wasn't covering for the behavior anymore friends told me they've never seen her like this. I told them It's simply that you're only seeing now what I have lived with since childhood, it's nothing new to me. Eventually the mask slips and they can't hold it together as long anymore and come completely unraveled.

Wishing you strength and fortitude!

[deletedtrust]

I am so sorry that you're having to dread something as simple as getting your mail because it's a constant reminder of things you are trying to distance yourself from. My first instinct is to insist to the bank that she doesn't live there and have them handle it as many others suggested but just my two cents. Good luck.

Just know that you're not alone, I'm currently going through something similar. My NC uPDM is signing up for sites that give loans and giving them my phone number so every day I get at least one text that says "(Her name) sign in here to collect your money!" they come from a different number every day so I can't block them.  She intentionally put my number in there so I'd get the texts and know that she needs/wants money which is one of the main reasons we are NC in the first place. I'm sure she hopes I'll break NC to ask what they're all about but it's not worth it.

[Fortuna]

Thank you all again for your advice and stories. DetachedandEngaged thank you for sharing your story about how far some PDs may take this. Thankfully my mom hasn't gotten to that point yet. I imagine her ever loving hatred of shipping costs and her 'frugal' nature benefit me at this point. After a few months of doing the return to sender thing, I notified the USPS so they could catch any mail addressed to others. I'm hoping that will stop it. I could really do without the 'grrr' moment I have when I see another one in the mail. I want to get to the point that I can see something like that and just not care about it, but I'm not there yet. (My little What If voice starts blabbering on about her establishing tenancy or other such nonsense, even when I it's likely just a little malicious reminder that she's trying to buy my children's love with a few hundred dollars.)