Holy Intuition

[Hepatica]

This is totally bizarre. Background: NC with parents since August but following that decision my uNPD father would show up uninvited so my Dh and I decided to put a lock on our garden gate (have to go thru it to get to the house.) So I've been pretty vigilant about making sure that lock is locked all the way up until Christmas when my child came home from uni. Since then we've been lax.

Child and Dh went out for a drive earlier and I hadn't had the lock on in about two weeks and as they pulled away I had this feeling like I had to get that lock on, so I went out in my sock feet thru the snow - that's how urgent the feeling was - and I put the lock on.

Five minutes ago I look out my window and there's my uNPD father's signature bag of newspaper clippings hanging off the gate. He DID SHOW UP and couldn't get in, so left it there!!   

I cannot even believe how sharp my intuition has been about this issue. The last time he showed up was in September (before the lock) and I was outside and sitting in the garden. A huge dark cloud started rolling in and it flashed in my mind that it was going to rain but also this flash of my father showing up and catching me out there. I took the feeling serious and went inside and he showed up minutes later.

Perhaps psychic? I don't know, but eerie and effective. 

[SunnyMeadow]

Wow, that's a super strong intuition. Good thing you listen to it!

[Hepatica]

Oh crap, he came back.

[Andeza]

So long as your doors and windows are all locked, just sit tight. Give your DH a warning text, too. Then make yourself a cup of your favorite tea/coffee/hot chocolate and ignore all hooting and hollering outside. If he escalates, please fell free to call the police to kindly come remove your trespasser.

Don't panic. Remain calm. Take time to breathe.

[Hepatica]

Thanks Andeza and SunnyMeadow,

He came back and took the bag of newspaper clippings off the fence.

He wasn't able to come in.

Adrenaline overload now and feel headachy and sore and sad.

Making cup of tea now, and have a bath.

[Free2Bme]

Hepatica, hopefully you are recovering, these experiences can be super draining. 

What's with the newspaper clippings, is this typical for your F?

Maybe get a ferocious dog to have in the garden area?  It may give you a heads up when dog barks, and serve as a deterrent for unwelcomed visitors = peace of mind. 

Never doubt the sixth sense about these things.  I'm not into metaphysics, the paranormal, I'm not superstitious and don't believe I'm psychic, however, I am learning that my intuition is usually accurate, to a scary degree.   I have no explanation, but my DD22 is the same as me. 

[Andeza]

As I recall, he likes to leave bags of newspaper clippings on her door. The articles of which are generally meant to induce guilt in our dear Hepatica, unless my memory is horribly mistaken.

Hepatica, I hope you take the rest of the evening to just process, recover, get yourself back in a good headspace. Good job listening to your intuition!

[Thru the Rain]

Yikes! Keep listening to your intuition. I'm so glad you have the lock on the gate.

[nanotech]

The adrenaline is your fight or flight kicking in. It's a horrible feeling.
(At one point after a very nasty incident involving narc rage from parents, I used to get this every time the phone rang)
It's your sympathetic nervous system responding to what it senses as danger.
But you are safe.
I think he returned to see if his 'gift' had been taken in. The fact that he's taken it back makes me think your boundaries are beginning to have an effect. He's not getting in. He's getting no response to anything he leaves.
It's really hard when they are outside your door.
Nevertheless you are safe.  The locked gate is freedom for you.
I've found that doing yoga and yogic breathing really addresses and conquers those fight or flight symptoms.
It puts you in touch with your parasympathetic nervous system, which is a  deeper, calmer responder to events, however unexpected or intimidating they are. It's well worth trying. It's made a massive difference in my life.
I'm much less reactive to drama, including any attempted boundary crossing.

[Hepatica]

Thank you to each of you who responded. It helped me feel more grounded and safe, and frankly less alone.

Free2Beme,
Yes, the newspaper clippings is his "thing." He gives them to a lot of people. It's the way he spends his time. He goes out, buys maybe more than one newspaper and spreads them around his living room and goes thru them, choosing articles for the person he's thinking of. The last one I got was put in my car passenger seat. (I live in a small community and sometimes forget to lock my car.) He took advantage and now I lock my car. That particular one had a letter in it that began decent and turned into nasty. Re: psychic abilities, I'm like you. I don't really have a belief system around it, but I have noticed that, since I've gone no contact, my spidey sense is pretty darn good. So now I do not disregard it.

Andeza, yes, you're right. He uses the clippings a form of communication and in the past five years they've become manipulative. It's like he cannot talk to people the way a person who is fully formed does. I guess nowadays, some people do this by sharing memes online. There is an intent but it is not direct and also he can deny he meant anything by it because he didn't write it. Another way to insinuate I read into things (literally) and take things the wrong way. I feel sorry for him that he can never have the healthy, "real" relationship he probably desires. He seems a lost soul but what I can't take is the nasty element of it that often has a surprise factor. He is lost but he can also be petty and vindictive and because I have had mental health issues as a teen, he makes sure to use that against me when he's feels he's lost control.

Thru the Rain, yes, re: lock. It's been fundamental to my peace of mind. It gives me just enough distance. If I could move I'd do that but I cannot until my Dh retires. So for now, this will have to do. My uNPD father does not like boundaries. He's getting his first lesson in them now.

nanotech, I know what you mean. My friends tease me that I don't answer my phone. It comes from my nervous system feeling actually sick when it rings. I've had one too many incidents in the past where the words that came thru that phone caused me distress, either by it being about my elderly mother going into emerge, my aunt telling me i was going to kill my father and another time my father saying "he wished he had a psych degree so he could figure me out." It's like I can still hear those words so close to my brain. I hate the sound of the phone ringing. I did some deep breathing last night and really treated myself with kid gloves. I'm a bit of a wreck the past three days anyway with all of the craziness to the south of us in Washington. I've been thrown and feel really shaky. Something came up on FB to remind people to rest and recover. I'm sure a lot of us are feeling rather shaky with the state of everything and having my father show up twice added to that awful sense of anxiety and dread.

I'm so grateful for all of you who took the time to help me yesterday. Reading your comments was so grounding. Thank you so much.

[SunnyMeadow]

As I recall, he likes to leave bags of newspaper clippings on her door. The articles of which are generally meant to induce guilt in our dear Hepatica, unless my memory is horribly mistaken.

Sounds like the ultimate passive aggressive move.

[Hepatica]

SunnyMeadow,

I think passive aggressive pretty much sums it up. And i truly wish that all of this pain between my parents and I, and my sister, didn't exist. I wish I could be the daughter that wants to be there for them. I have a lot of love to give. But the mountain of unsaid words and pain that exists between all of us will never be truly dealt with on this earth. Living with that is so hard.

[Amedee]

That's so cool that you are trusting your protective instincts and intuition.

I, too, am still nervous about the phone and even emails.  It's a habit borne from habitually leaving myself wide open to FOO's unkindnesses.  I've finally given up trying to straddle that gap.   Going VVVLC is clearing the air for me - I'm starting to see that being afraid of their communications isn't working for me.

[oak_tree]

Impressive intuition, Hepatica!

One little strategy that has helped me and I know it may seem silly...but in the past, I've changed ringtones (or skype sounds, etc) when I realized it was having negative conditioned responses to them. I was really surprised at how well that strategy worked. Side note: I used to spend a lot of time away from SO and I had my phone set up so that emails from him made a particular sound - the conditioned response in that case was positive

Hope you relaxed and enjoyed your tea and bath.

[Associate of Daniel]

The communication between me and my uNPD exH and his uNPD wife, is by email only.

I have an email address which is exclusively for communication with them.  It is set to make no sound at all, so that if my phone dings at me, I know it's not from them.

These 2 things have decreased my stress levels enormously.

Unfortunately though, I don't think I'll ever NOT have the faster heart beat and dread when I see an email has come from them.

But because I know it's from them, and that there's no chance it's from someone else, I can delay opening it until I'm calmer.

I think this is the best I can do until the day I can block them both, once ds14 is independent.

AOD

[IRedW77]

I think as far as spidey sense it doesn't have to be psychic or anything that complicated.

We're many of us conditioned to be hyper-vigilant to other people's emotions and body language etc. Who knows what else that includes. I couldn't consciously explain how anyone's body language works, I just read it. I'm sure that there are plenty of other things we're all always watching, that we're consciously oblivious to.

I drive my wife nuts because every time she takes a deep breath in the next room I'll ask "what's wrong." The answer is invariably "nothing, I'm just breathing," but I've picked up on a cue and tensed up.

She could be far enough away that I have to yell back to her, but I catch that sigh no matter what I'm doing.

For the record, at no time in the last 10 years has that sigh actually meant anything other than her taking a deep breath, but I STILL don't ever believe her.