Tough Love???

[Dodo]

So my updp has a grown daughter (38) who has a stepdaughter who is 15 or 16.  Well there was a big fuss last night because the daughter and her husband went into their young daughters bedroom and found that she had fallen asleep with a cell phone in her hand.  So the story is the daughter has had this cell phone for 3 months and had been texting a boy and hooked into the families internet to send a gift to a friend.  Well they woke her up screaming and carrying on about how she isn't suppose to have a boyfriend or text boys and on and on about how bad and untrustworthy she is.  They told her they would send her to a councillor or commit her for a psychiatric evaluation if she didn't follow the rules.
My partner was on the phone with his daughter last night for an hour discussing what should be done and on and on.  The thing is this girl does well in school is a nice girl but is so monitored and controlled that she has to do things behind their backs as not to get in trouble.  It irritates me that his daughter has to involve her Dad (my partner) in every aspect of her life and how they raise their daughter and on and on.  I raised two boys and never wanted my parents input into how my husband and  I raised them!  My partner says oh it is tough love and this is what a close family does, I say baloney, honestly I find them all too much but I just mind my own business and don't say much, is this a little over the top????

[notrightinthehead]

I agree with you, completely over the top to make such a scene when a 15 year old girl is texting a boy.  Of course we don't know what kind these texts are, you seem to believe they were of the normal teenage girl likes boy, boy likes girl kind. Even if they were not,  the parents would do better to be supportive and understanding instead of waking her up and screaming all over her. I never read my daughters diaries or text messages, I respected and trusted them. However, when there is reason to suspect that the kids are involved in drugs it is recommended to monitor their phones.
I don't know how much contact you have with this teenage girl,  what I would do if I had the opportunity,  I would smile at her or wink at her or somehow find a way to let her know that I think she is ok and I think well of her. 
As for your partner and his daughter,  you know already that their relationship is strange and that they are strange people, not really well matched with you, and that this spreads over all areas.  It is really pervasive how strange their behaviour is, I can understand that you keep on being surprised and have difficulty believing it.

[GettingOOTF]

Your partner has an dysfunctional, enmeshed relationship with his daughter. Unless she has done her own work to end this and relearn how to parent this is how she herself will parent. These issues are intergenerational until someone has the strength to break the cycle. It’s very sad. I witness it in my own family with my nieces. All I can do is live my life and hope that my actions show them that there is a different way to live.

Your partner’s daughter involves him on the level she does as that’s how he’s groomed her to relate to him and she in turn is grooming her stepdaughter.  Again’ it’s very sad to witness. It really does show how difficult it is to break these cycles. I’m more and more grateful every day that I had the resilience to break my family cycle of enmeshment, abuse and codependency. My siblings are still stuck in the cycle and grooming a new generation. 

[Dodo]

the problem is my partners whole life has been dysfunctional and his relationship with his daughter to me is very weird but he finds it perfectly normal so I just don't say much anymore as it's not worth the trouble.  I feel bad for his daughters step daughter although as I feel she is treated like a baby, when my son, wife and my 9 year old grandson went to Disneyland last year (just before corona virus) last February I thought it would be nice to invite J (the daughters step-daughter) to come with us, although she is older than my grandson and they both got along famously and I thought it would be nice for both of them to have someone to go on the rides with. Well what a hullabaloo.  My partner accused me of not checking with him first instead of just going straight to his daughter and asking.  Of course the daughter said NO, that J was too young (she was 14 or 15 at the time) and then my partner yelled at me and said that if I had asked him about it first he knew the answer would be no!  I was pissed and hurt and thought it would have been so much fun for her to come with us but no, the sergeant major said NO.  God what a bunch I'm so sick of them!!!  Having fun is just not suppose to happen!