How to handle this situation

[Neverendingdramas]

I would like to know your opinion on this. Sorry for the long post.

My Husband ex husband and I have just separated and the main issue has been interference from his sister which he has turned a blind eye to.
I am 33, ex husband 43 and SIL 49.

We got married in 2008.

We lived with SIL for 6 months because she moved back from Canada and the place was originally a flat she shared with her brother. Immediately noticed subtle signs of interference from SIL. She expected me to do all the housework since In her own word I was the "wife of the house". I was pregnant with DS1 (first born son) and working as a nursery assistant, when I came back from work at 6.30pm she would be sitting in front of the TV and ask as soon I walked in she was like "what's for dinner tonight?". She even had the nerve to ask me to make breakfast for her before I left for work (because I packed my husband some food sometimes). My husband heard all of this and he didn't even say anything to her.  She would literally interrogate ex to find out details of our lives. This was then info she would share with her group of friends. I told ex I did not like that and he was like "do you think I am an idiot to share things with her" yet the same info would be coming out of her friends mouth.

We moved to our own flat. I was having complications with the pregnancy, the placenta wasn't functioning properly and they said he was IUGR and would be delivered before full term. One day I left work and went for a scan and the doc said the baby wasn't moving much and would need an emergency c-section. I called my husband who worked at the airport and his phone wasn't going through. I called her to tell her I was being admitted. I realised from the tone of her voice she wasn't even concerned for me nor was she planning to come and keep me company whilst the company tracked down my husband. She even added "I don't think the baby would make it because I had told people I was having a baby boy".

I had my baby the next morning at 7 am. He weighed 1.3kg and spent 7 weeks in NICU. She only came to visit once and on that day, I was sleeping and heard someone open the curtain at the hospital and she said "why are you still sleeping, my friend had three c-sections and she was up and about the next day." Once my son was discharged I made sure not keep any contact with her.

Our tenancy ended and we found a new place. On the day we were to move in, I found out that my ex and my SIL were planning to go to IKEA together because SIL was planning to help decorate the new flat we found. I was livid. Surely if I needed help I would have asked. I didn't her interfering again in my home. I made it clear to her that she needs to respect my boundaries and I told my husband he needs to stop letting her get away with things. She said she felt very insulted that i told her to mind her own business and told my husband she will never step foot in our house because of me. This was in 2011.

She then changed tactics, her new plan was to pretend I didn't exist but try and see the kids behind my back.

In 2012, DS1 had a tonsillectomy and I was with him all day at the hospital. Ex partner came and said I should go home and rest (was 34 weeks pregnant). As soon as I left, he called SIL to come and visit DS1. Again I was so upset that he would allow her to visit behind my back.

I had DS2 (second born son). When he was 8 weeks ex and SIL who had gone somewhere together came back to the house. She was in the car outside. Ex came in and said "SIL in the car she wants to meet the baby and he wants to take baby outside to her". I was speechless. The woman had no respect for me or my home and she wants to meet my newborn in the car outside. I gave ex a piece of my mind and told him enough was enough I was tired of the disrespect.

We separated for an year and later reconciled.

To mute out any outside interference I decided to keep myself busy and work on achieving my own goals. I started studying for my undergraduate and later also completed my postgraduate studies. And kept busy with the kids and caring for DS1 who has special needs because of the premature birth. All the while when ex returns home from visiting MIL who lives with SIL, he is a mood. He is grumpy around the house and giving us silent treatment. I asked him about it several times and his response was that he was stressed with work. We were literally walking on egg shells in the house. I later found out that whenever he goes to visit MIL or takes DS1 and DS2 to see their grandmother, she is always saying bad stuff about me and then when he cones home he just carries all her negativity.

Last year in January I had DS3 (third born) via c-section. Six weeks later I found out from DS1 that on the night I was in  hospital SIL came to the house and Ex kept it a secret from me. I was at a loss of words. DS1 told me she came when they returned from the hospital to see me and she stayed for about an hour watching a movie with them and before she left she had a good look around the house.

I confronted ex and his response was "I'd rather keep things SIL does from you than add fuel to the fire knowing that you will be upset".

I was so livid and also felt helpless and a range of emotions. Despite going no contact with SIL for a number of years she had made it her mission to interfere in my life and especially showing me I was worthless because she would see the kids whether I liked it or not.

I decided to go to the police and report her for harassment. The police were very sympathetic but made it clear that it was a civil matter. They also made it clear that all these things wouldn't happen if ex made sure there were clear boundaries.He suggested I send SIL a copy of the crime reference and tell her that I had been to the station and would start calling 101 if she continued harassing me. The police also referred me to a Domestic Violence support agency. I sent her a text with the crime reference number hoping that would knock some sense into her. I also had a conversation with my exDP. I also decided the kids can't go to her house (unfortunately this means also seeing grandma) because I can't trust her around my kids.

Thinking this was the end of things, I was very wrong. She began telling my husband why did I go to the police without my husband's permission. Hearing this he began saying I had made him half a man by not consulting him. Knowing that I had said the kids won't be going to her house, the angle of the conversation changed. It now became how dare I refuse the kids go and see grandma and that I was being a horrible person. Even though we weren't on good terms with SIL, I was allowing the kids to go see grandma every weekend for the last 2 years.

Going into lockdown, DS1 (first born) is classed as clinically vulnerable and we were keeping him home. He has sleep apnea.

Fast forward from March to December the arguments with ex continued until the beginning of this month. I started a new job as a trainee teacher and didn't even last two weeks. Every day I walk in from walk it is non stop arguments and guilt tripping. I gave him an ultimatum and told him to either stay or leave. He took his coat and left and came back the next day and took his things and had moved into SIL place. I had to quit the job as I was stuck with childcare.

He took the car (even though it was in his name) I needed the car for the school run. DS1 has additional needs and his high school is 15 minutes away by car.
It's been nearly 4 weeks he hasn't even called the kids. They have been left wondering where he went.

He then said he wants to have the rights to not only visit the kids but also take them to his mum and his family (SIL) and he is ready to take me to court to fight me for that.

I spoke to a domestic violence agency who have told me what my options can be going forward. I also spoke to social services. Now that we are getting a divorce I know they (ex and SIL) will now take things up a notch. It's such an emotionally daring experience and I feel like the whole intention was to rob me of peace of mind or keep me so anxious that I would not have time to devote to the kids and their needs.

He has now sent me an email saying if the kids can't see him where his mum is (sis in law) house, that he is abandoning them and when they are older they can go look for him. He doesn't want to address the issue about his sister and the fact she will turn my kids against me When she is around them.

Just to add: MIL was diagnosed with dementia a few years ago. I had a good relationship with her even when SIL and I weren't talking. Now ex is saying his mother needs him more than the kids need him and that justifies why he left.

Sorry for the long post. Please let me know your thoughts.

[Rose1]

My first thought is a non pc comment to count your blessings.
Children who grow up without a pd around do better. There are always issues of course including abandonment.

My exbpdh was also an absent parent, rarely saw my daughters who were 11 and 6 when he left.  His mother was ubpd and going there was not exactly joyful. There was a lot of parental alienation from all parties.

There was no child support to speak of, constant pa if the kids phoned him, anything they wanted was made as difficult as possible or not properly done (ie fix a bike).

I worked full time, organised after school and vacation care and once we had a smooth running schedule it was pretty good mostly.  My youngest is on the spectrum and went to a special school. My job was one where I could eventually  work from home online if the kids were sick but before that, this was the most difficult. Ex was asked once to have my oldest when she was running a fever and needed some care. He put her in the car and drove around to his friends etc all day. She asked to come back home and stay by herself rather than another day like it. I think these things were done to make sure he didn't get asked again. So the girls saw him and his parents maybe every 3 or 4 months, not on an overnight. Youngest is vulnerable and he couldn't be trusted. Oldest was stuck with medication responsibility etc etc.

Anyway time went by,  the girls grew up. Youngest went nc at age 12 (basically threw a fit if I wanted her to talk to him on the phone)  oldest eventually went nc at age 24 after a nasty episode with exs wife. (She buys into the story of how much the girls have hurt him).  Apparently it was my responsibility to keep up a relationship between them. I disagree.

The girls are now young women in their 30s. Oldest has cptsd and was getting therapy. But doing well in her life. Sad she has no relationship with her father but more from the point of view that its sad he is so disordered.  Youngest is high care and in a wheelchair.  Ex has not seen her since his father's funeral about 9 years ago. She's happy in herself and doing as well as she is able to.

I remarried 10 years ago and both girls have an excellent relationship with their step father.
Ex has missed out. I think he knows that but his lifestyle is so much more important still.  I'm pretty sure he still bags me to anyone he can but I also don't think anyone cares anymore.
Its sad but it is reap what you sow.

Both girls  believe if they had lived with him or seen him and his circle of friends more frequently,  they would have had a lot more issues than they do. There was alcohol and marijuana, and male friends that were dodgy. My daughters had a phone and knew how to call me to come get them if necessary.  Thats not a relationship with a father, that's a visit that needs to be endured.

Oldest went on an trip with him when she was 18. She swore never again. She also had a plan b in case things went bad. Its sad to have to live like that.

I am grateful every day he was an absent father. He did enough damage from a distance.

[Rose1]

I should add, make sure you organise your life so you are financially independent of child support because games will be played. And make sure you have a routine and house rules of mutual respect , help around the house so you get family  time (chores for each kid), do family stuff together, eat together, have fun. Kids grow up fast.  Any time you put into them now will pay off in the future. You're a single parent. Its not easy but it's worth building your family.
Don't wait for your ex to come good  or pay child support or change. Time moves on despite them.

If he comes back with a request to start over, give it time, observe if there is genuine change. you dont want to do this twice.

[Neverendingdramas]

Thank you Rose1 for the reply.

Your advice on setting routines for the kids and giving them the best is so important. You are right,  they grow up so fast and before we know it they are teenagers then adults. Looking back at their photos I always feel "gosh where has the time gone?".

It's so amazing how you dealt with the situation and worked so hard to give your girls the best. Having a child on the spectrum who needs support both at home and school on top of all the other parenting and household duties is hard work. We need space to give our kids the best and be free of all the stress and negativity the situation of fighting with others brings. I sometimes think the purpose they pick on us is to wear us down so we don't have time and energy to invest in our kids and the cycle continues.

[Rose1]

Sadly its easier once you are no longer dealing with the pd stuff daily. It saps your energy. I had no emotional energy left for the kids and it was starting to worry me

[bloomie]

Neverendingdramas - I see you are new here and want to welcome you. What a long and difficult journey your marriage has been. I can't help but believe that in time you will find every way you can to best to provide a loving and consistent home life for your kiddos in spite of their father's lack of loyalty and serious character issues.

When a partner will not join with us to establish a clear and prioritized independent family of our own, when they are choosing their family of origin over their/our children, we accept what we cannot change and make our way to a healthier and more peaceful existence.

Part of doing that is finding support for yourself. I am thankful you have reached out here and hope you have support in real life as well as you shift to single parenting with a person who is enmeshed and living in the heart of his disordered family of origin system.

It is easy to see your ex sil as the catalyst of the issues with your ex, but from the bit you have shared here, it seems your ex has his priorities all mixed up and has for a very long time. It seems to serve your ex for his sister, and now his mother's illness,  to be a smokescreen and way to avoid scrutiny of his choices, the reality of which, is that he is walking away from his children and marriage.

With your energy refocused on your health and the health and wellbeing of your children and with good support going forward, you will guide your children through this.

Strength and wisdom to you as you go!

[Neverendingdramas]

Thank you Bloomie for the warm welcome.

It feels very comforting to know that you have understood what I have experienced.

Thank you.

[Neverendingdramas]

Since moving out in early December he has not made any contact with the kids and even sent an email in early January to say "if kids can't see his mum, he doesn't want to see them". Last week, he sent an email asking why I was being an obstacle between his kids and him and refusing contact 🤔. It's as though his changed tactics and now shifting blame (contact issues) on me.

I sought legal help and lawyer suggested making a Consent Order to formalise any parenting plan so that going ahead kids have stability and avoid his unpredictability.

He has also changed his phone number and saying communication will be through email. He has then taken the opportunity to send me abusive messages/emails all week in the disguise of communicating about kids. The lawyer has suggested getting a non-molestation order if he doesn't stop.

His response to the suggestions in the parenting plan are:

1) calling me a psychopath and prays that God drops me into whatever hole I am digging.

2) he doesn't want to come visit the kids when I am there because "in the 14 years he has known me, I have a history of making up stuff ".

Those comments really hurt. After everything him and SIL have put me through, to hear those words is very painful.

His choice of words are an upgrade from: "you are too sensitive" and " you need to grow a thick skin" when I complained of SIL overstepping boundaries. He even kept suggesting I should cover for SIL behaviour instead of telling wider family. Now I am the one who makes up stuff.

When I went to the police last year to seek help when I felt victimised by SIL i told him the next day and recorded the conversation knowing that he would pretend he didn't know about things. In the audio he says "I should have consulted him before going to the police because I have treated him as less of a man".

Please advise.

[Neverendingdramas]

The lawyer sent him a draft of a Consent order to read through. It details how the living plans will be and time kids spend with him (birthdays, Father's Day, father's birthday, Easter, summer....). The only condition in the consent order is that he doesn't allow SIL to be around the children due to her abusive behaviour and the risk of her turning the kids against me.

He has refused to agree to the proposed order stating that not only have I made up the abuse that SIL has done but that he loves her dearly and she is like his second mum and wants the kids to have a relationship with her.

The lawyer has said since he has refused to agree to an order by consent he should then apply to court to see his boys.

He replied by saying he doesn't want anything to do with them.

This sums up everything that happened in the marriage. If his sister didn't get to control things, no body is at peace.
He put her before our marriage and now he's chosen her over his kids.

[Cat of the Canals]

Oh, I'm so sorry. For you and your kids. It's almost unbelievable that he would make such a choice, except that I know how common it is for someone to be so enmeshed with a PD that they don't know how to make a choice for themselves at all.

I want to repost something Bloomie said, because I think she summed it up wonderfully: "When a partner will not join with us to establish a clear and prioritized independent family of our own, when they are choosing their family of origin over their/our children, we accept what we cannot change and make our way to a healthier and more peaceful existence."

Remember that this is HIS CHOICE. You have given him ample opportunity to continue being a parent, and he has refused. The best thing you can do now is try to move forward to that "healthier and more peaceful existence" for you and your kids.

[Neverendingdramas]

Thank you Cat of the canals,

Your reply was very helpful.

I wish you all the best.