dealing with the hoovering & hostility of bpd

[ShyTurtle]

I was listening to the "Walking on Eggshells" audiobook today and one takeaway I got from it was that I need to be consistent in how I draw the line and set boundaries. It's a struggle for me to deal with my housemate now because of how I was groomed by my ubpd mother as a kid...to have no boundaries! I'm at the point in my frustration in that I have resorted to grey rock responses for everything. I have 3 more weeks with her though and I just need to sustain the status quo until then.

She left a bossy note stating new kitchen rules this morning, and then offered me the oranges that have been sitting neglected on the counter for days. I guess that's her way of keeping me under her thumb. I didn't respond to her comment about the oranges though. Is it wrong that I only respond to the important stuff and ignore the hoovering and hostile statements? They seem like two sides of the same coin to me.

[IRedW77]

I'm pretty sure that as far as the PD is concerned they've made a perfectly rational and reasonable statement (or note) no matter what it says.

Maybe if they do leave some token it's to mollify whatever part of themselves actually sees what they're doing.

I think it makes sense to look for whatever kernel of rationally is in their message and respond only to that.

They're just going to make drama if you take any of the drama bait anyway. In their mind whatever they said was 100% calm, normal, and rational, so any drama is YOUR fault. Maybe some small part of them will be disappointed when you don't take the bait, but eventually they'll just give up.
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Ugh! Boundaries Mine can be so screwed up. If anyone else has a problem I have no boundaries when it comes to trying to solve a problem for them. It was my JOB to fix everything for BPDm as a kid so I compulsively solve other people's problems as an adult.

Also, what is it with weird gifts?!

"Here, have these old oranges that I don't want."
 
My BPDm is always giving me random thrift store stuff. "Here, have this book that's tangentially related to something you told me you were interested in 5 years ago."

Um...thanks? Saying no just isn't an option. If you say no they'll just ask you again the next 10 times they see you.

It is a two way street though. My mom always wants anything I'm trying to get rid of. She loves getting any of my leftover food as well.

[ShyTurtle]

I’m pretty sure that as far as the PD is concerned they’ve made a perfectly rational and reasonable statement (or note) no matter what it says.

Thanks so much for sharing! I'm quite certain that she does everything she can to make herself feel that she is superior to me and very together. Meanwhile I went downstairs this morning to find a sink full of dirty dishes! ("Do as I say, not as I do!")

The weird gifts I see as her way of trying to pull me back into the relationship after she attempts to exert control/manipulate me. They are the kind of gifts where she really doesn't give up much or go out of her way much by giving them. She has given me a lot of gifts and I think they've always been given with the goal of trying to make me like her more. I'm not accepting any more though. Being around her makes me feel exhausted and I need to get away for good.

[IRedW77]

I don’t know what it is about being around them that causes exhaustion.

Is it the unconscious hyper-vigilance of keeping an eye out for clues to their mood?

Is it the effort of constantly maintaining yourself around that fissure in reality that  seems to encase them?

It feels like they kind of live in their own world, but they’re always trying to draw you into their reality. Or that they’re just trying to completely drown out all reality in general and replace it with their own version, however you want to look at it.

In any event, it’s something I noticed. After I started reading people here talking about PDs being exhausting I finally had an explanation for why I’m CONSTANTLY yawing when I’m around my BPDm.

As far as the gifts: In my experience they come first and the best and most is always for them.

I’m an only child and I’ve been selfish. I own that, and I just always assumed that being an only was the reason.

I need to get there first to get the best seat. I don’t like to share. When I break the chocolate bar in half I get the slightly bigger piece and you get the smaller one.

I think a lot of that is actually fleas. Since I’ve learned about this I’ve actually had a much easier time sharing. I don’t get that giant pang of loss when I give up the best bite of my banana bread anymore.

There are actually lots of silly little things that caused loss and sometimes rage that just don’t anymore. I think some of the fleas just jumped ship once I noticed them.