Successful Mediation?

[PAY]

Has anyone successfully mediated?  I know, and I've been warned about the potential failure of mediation with UNPDh (hope I did that right).  But here we are.  I am the one giving up substantial savings in the 50/50 split and will be paying support.  No kids (he has 2 from 1st marriage).  Our session to start discussing the finances is January 29.

So far, we do not have attorneys, save the mediator.
Any pointers going into this (short of hiring an attorney yet, as that will fan the rage flames in my UNPDh) are welcome.
Thanks!  You guys are awesome.

[Bunnyme]

Not successfully.   I stand to lose and may have to pay him    He lied throughout and made promises to pay me child support he owed.  Lied about being in treatment and promised to provide documentation of his ongoing program.  None of that happened.  I have an attorney, but she did not come to mediation.  The best advice I can give is to stay level headed.  You dont want them to see that they can rattle you.  I went in prepared with a list (that only I could see) of exactly what I wanted to ask for.  I had varying levels...I'd compromise on one month of the support, then half of the support, then I had my bottom line of fully forgiving the back support in exchange for not going after x and y.  I also was sure that my mediation wasnt my absolute bottom, since I knew it wouldnt end there.  Turns out that I didnt need any of it.  He asked for little...I guess because he knew it was all a joke anyway.  My attorney had told me that I could ask that the mediator work with each of us separately.  He went back and forth between us so that I didnt have to hear what h was saying.  Even if you are all together, you can request to caucus with the mediator.  They will speak with you privately and keep it in confidence if you request.  They will then give the other party the ability to caucus.  I ended up using it because I had hard evidence that he was lying about his treatment.  I didnt want h to know what it was so he could talk his way out of it.  I didnt specifically tell the mediator what I knew, but that I had some evidence that he was not in treatment by didnt want to jeopardize my position should it go to trial.  My attorney had actually written an introductory letter to the mediator ahead of our meeting, so he already had an idea of what he was in for.  You want to be willing to compromise and appear completely rational and collected.  If your spouse seems like they are actually playing ball, great!  If you can figure out what they're motivated by, even better. 
In the end, ours didnt do anything but delay the process.  I do have several written exchanges, though, where he reiterates what he promised in mediation and then later denies it.  My attorney expects that we will be ordered to at least one more mediation session before we go forward. 

[Bunnyme]

I also had a list of phrases ready to go.  Things like, "I am willing to consider that with _________ documentation. "

[Stillirise]

I think it will be helpful for you to define successful. If that means full resolution and settlement, IME, and from others here, that seems unlikely.  If it means getting him to tip his hand as to what he's really after, or showing an involved 3rd party that  you are the reasonable and rational one, then yes, you can have some success with that.

I brought an outline of an agenda, with my wants/needs/bottom line for each point, a spreadsheet of assets, and had my documents organized.  I also rehearsed phrases ahead of time..."That's a new idea. Let me take that into consideration..."  He came in completely unprepared, and it showed.  He refused to agree to anything I put forth, even after I compromised to his requests a few times.  It's like he couldn't let anyone see him be weak, and actually "give in" to something. Now, seven months later, he has presented me a settlement offer with terms that are nearly identical to what I offered back then.  This time, it's his idea, so it's obviously better.

I couldn't imagine trying to navigate this without my attorney.  While I haven't relied on her totally, it has been essential at times, to use her as a buffer when stbx was completely off the rails.   Best wishes to you!

[Medowynd]

I would find an attorney that deals in high conflict divorces and understand PDs.  This is get a third party objective view, not necessarily committing to hiring them.  You have a lot of money on the line and deserve to protect yourself. 

[sevenyears]

Pay - mediation with a PD is rarely successful. When I divorced my unocpd xh, I tried mediation with the best mediator in town for nine months and still ended up in court for divorce. I tried again for six months on custody and parenting arrangements. We managed to settle, but only because the mediator saw through him and, while remaining neutral, tried not to let him steamroller me. Two mediators quit working with us because of his anger, gaslighting, manipulation and obstinance.

In spite of that experience, I still think it can be worthwhile to go through some mediation. My advice before you start:
- find a mediator experienced with high-conflict divorce
- find a lawyer experienced with high conflict divorce - any mediator worth his/her stuff will encourage both parties to have their proposals/preliminary agreements reviewed by a legal advisor since the final agreement can't be out of line with the law.
- Have a strategy when you go into mediation: what can you accept? What can you absolutely not accept? How long will you keep trying to mediate? At what point should you walk away?
- Know that your unpdh will not mediate in good faith - he will make promises in order to get you to make concessions and agree with him. Establish at the outset with your mediator some ground rules governing agreements. Is it "nothing is agreed until everything is agreed?" or step by step? Will your mediator write down agreements so that both parties "remember" later what was actually agreed on?
- Use the mediation to figure out what arguments your unpdh will use against you in court and use this time to prepare; gather evidence, resources, etc.

I'm in the middle of my fourth court case with my unocpd xh - we are mediating with lawyers on the choice of school for our son. Sigh. After three lengthy mediations and court trials (divorce, custody and assets), I found youtube videos from Rebecca Zung, a divorce lawyer who specializes in high-conflict custody cases. She has a lot of good tips. 

Go in with your eyes wide open, and good luck.

[GettingOOTF]

I would consult with an attorney. He may not be entitled to 50/50 and support.

I was the one with the assets. I got an attorney but I was able to negotiate directly with my ex. What helped me was that he has an new girlfriend and was 100% focused on her who he'd told he was divorced. I can only speak from my experience. That said I've never read of anyone successfully mediating with a PD. If I had to do my divorce over I would go in hard and fast with the best attorney o could afford. The negotiations paid off for me in the long run but they also dragged out the situation needlessly.