Emotions

[blacksheep7]

Hi all

I  was watching  a movie that takes place in Ireland, I think in the 40s.  It is about an orphan boy about 10 yrs old, gets adopted by this wonderful woman who became his adored mother.  She dies.  The husband did not want to show emotions while she was on her death bed to the point that the boy was not allowed to remain for the short remainder of her life.  Back at home the father announces her death and asks the child if he heard him correctly.  At this point I stopped the movie, did not want watch to watch the boys emotions of loss.  It's like when I do not want to see violent/action movies....brings out intense emotions that I can not take.

I am questioning myself  

As for not being able to watch the emotions of the boy

Is it because I can not manage my emotions?

b]Should I be able to watch this? [/b] 

Am I being too sensitive?

By the way, being Out of the FOG for only a couple of years  I am still learning to manage my emotions which are now all over the place especially because of the pandemic.  My Anxiety is pretty high, working on it.

What's your take on this?

[Bunnyme]

I think you are right to feel whatever it is that you feel.  There isnt a right and wrong way to feel with emotions.  It is totally reasonable to avoid triggers.  There is no timeline for when triggers shouldn't bother you.  I cant watch certain scenes or read certain articles.  My own therapist has told me that I have a form of PTSD. 
Why do you say that you are unable to manage your emotions?  Do you feel that way or are you worried that is the case because of not wanting to watch the movie?  I think any person would be affected by a scene such as the one you described.

[Starboard Song]

As for not being able to watch the emotions of the boy, is it because I can not manage my emotions? Should I be able to watch this?

I know people with completely non-dysfunctional lives and perfect bliss who cannot watch certain kinds of intense movie. One is the "unrequited love" woman: she can't take it. Another is "cruelty to children or animals." "Imminent loss" is my personal bugaboo.

Sure. Maybe your history makes you more or less prone to being taken over by the emotional content of a movie, song, poem, or novel. But since people come in every flavor of this regardless of their history, I wouldn't head too far down the path of trying to tell a pathological story. You are prone to deep empathy when seeing a child hurt, and this is so true that you cannot happily watch, read, or listen to a fictionalized account of it. End of story.

Emotions weren't built so that others could pluck our strings with fiction, and you aren't obligated to let them. Is it because of your history, though? Maybe. A relative of mine was murdered long ago, and for a few years I couldn't tolerate fictionalized violence of the particular relevant type: I just couldn't do it. So maybe your sensitivity will ebb. Maybe that will help you. But please never judge yourself harshly for appreciating -- fully -- the emotional content of these sorts of scenes.

I think you sound perfectly normal.

[Poison Ivy]

Avoiding certain types of content because of how they make you feel is fine, I think, as long as that behavior (avoidance) doesn't carry over into "real life" (e.g., taking certain crucial topics off the table with family and friends).

[blacksheep7]

I thank you all for your responses, really appreciated! 

It made me think.....    My emotions opened out more into the open since Out of the FOG.  Yes my background has something to do with it because growing up I became numb towards the violence of NF & enabling M, not being heard or see.  I did not cry in my teen years when the worst was going on.  I became Frivolous, like M. I listened to rock music to evacuate the anger inside of me.

I just remembered that in 1977 when I went to see Someone Flew Over the Cukcoo's Nest, I loved the movie because it had drama and comedy.  The thing is I tried to watch it sometime ago and wasn't able to, too heavy, especially the scene where (I can't remember the name of the character's name) one of the men, the youngest and  shy one tried to take his own life when «Ratchette» said she was going to call his mother» after the partying.

Now my emotions are there, more sensitive than ever but not to a point that I won't discuss anything difficult just to avoid them.   I was just missing self confidence, low self-worth that was lost when I went nc with NM imo.

I have a tendancy to overthink/anxiety, a lifetime pattern which I am working on.   I am letting go of the past and moving forward, lightening up a bit after having been in the negative for a couple of years now.   

[pianissimo]

As I understand it, people who can't manage their emotions rage or do something self-destructive to avoid acknowledging their true feelings. What you are saying sounds like the opposite of that because you are aware that the scene is about loss, and you are aware that you find it difficult to watch, and you take action and avoid watching it. You seem to know what is going on in yourself emotionally and you seem to be honest with yourself. People who can't manage their emotions have no clue how they are feeling most of the time, and they lie to themselves and to others that "They are not angry", or "They are not hurt", or "They are not afraid." That's, of course, according to my understanding.

[SparkStillLit]

I can't watch things with EMS/military helicopter crashes. I CANNOT. It's a trigger.
I don't think there's anything wrong with recognising a trigger, and not exposing yourself to it. Maybe someday you can, maybe not.
It's been 13 years. Can't do it.

[Phoenix Rising]

Atm my triggers are any scenes of physical or sexual violence. Sometimes I don't know the scenes are going to come up and as soon as I become aware that it is, I turn it off. I just can't do that to myself right now.

There is nothing wrong with what you did. You recognized a trigger. You are not sensitive. It shows you are in tune with your thoughts and emotions. You are protecting yourself.

[stormbrewing]

That movie wasn't set in New Zealand by any chance was it? If it is what I am thinking of it is a truly beautiful, uplifting movie if you want to skip that scene and keep going. Sometimes I think skipping scenes and seeing where the characters' journey takes them can be a positive thing.

I cannot now, nor have I ever been able to, watch horror movies. I watched one horror movie as a 12 year old and to this day cannot sleep in a bed that has enough space to hide under it without checking under it first. That's not because I have ever found anything malevolent hiding under my bed. I think that to some degree I feel what the people on the screen are going through and that that is a learned behaviour from living in a home as a small child where you needed to monitor someone else's emotional state or feelings to be safe.

I am also haunted by a specific scene in a very popular, mainstream movie that I watched many many years ago. Cannot move past it . Now you mention it, I probably should explore what is specifically triggering to me about that scene and work on it.

I think this is how we manage our emotions - by knowing what our triggers are, what we can handle and when.

[blacksheep7]

I now have  answers to my questions which have been brewing for some time now.   Thanks guys!

Of course my normal emotions were always dismissed or criticized for decades.   I always was very emotional, angry to injustice with the narcs in my life  but not in the negative way of hurting anyone physically or verbally.

Yes, I now realize that I am more in tune with my wounds and/or loss.   My journey to recovery.

I never watched horror movies also, being scared is not what I call entertainment especially having felt it all my younger years.   No fun at all.     The NF of my kids  would call me a «chicken» because I wouldn't watch them.

The movie/1975 was filmed in Oregan state, U.S.A.,  based on a true story.   

[Free2Bme]

blacksheep,

I can relate to your comment about escaping into music.  I have done this all my life, with all kinds of music, particularly rock.  It can be cathartic and helpful as long as I am not using it to avoid dealing with real life.

IMO, you stopping the movie was a healthy thing to do.   There's no value in being able to view/consume anything and everything, that would not be discerning.  The deciding factor should be 'is it helpful, do you feel better after listening/watching xyz?'  If not, turn it off.

During my divorce, my teen DS suffered a major depressive episode and was suicidal.  I felt really helpless and was out of my mind with worry.  It had a profound effect on me.  Fast forward a couple years, my DD likes a particular mainstream (young) female singer.  (I happen to like most of her music as well, although she is notoriously dark with her lyrics. ) One song in particular references wanting to "end me", with strong references to suicide.  For a long time I couldn't bear to listen to this song, even now it's hard.  Forcing myself to listen wouldn't benefit anyone. 

Sometimes, these sensitivities are for a season in life.  Then we move through it.  More importantly, is how you are doing internally and it you are working on your own stuff and growing.  Be kind to yourself, you are completely normal to feel this way.

[Hilltop]

I'm reading Complex PTSD from Surviving to Thriving and am finding it a great read regarding healing work.  One of the things mentioned is about avoiding triggers as it is just reliving the trauma, so I would think it was fine that you stopped watching the movie. It seems the healing work done is to lessen our impact to a trigger so that when they happen we can deal with them better ie deal with our emotions better but I can't see what help there would be in watching a movie and triggering yourself.  I guess if you think about hyper vigilance and the things you do to lessen your startle response but they don't recommend getting your partner or a friend to randomly jump out at you and trigger that startle response as it would make it worse not better.  I would think it would be the same as knowingly watching something that triggers you, to me it's unhealthy.  You'll be triggered throughout life as it is, no need to do it knowingly to yourself.

To this day I cannot watch any sort of animal cruelty in a movie, even when I know it's not real, I can't watch it, I can't watch any animal suffering in movies at all.  Nothing happened in my life regarding animal cruelty but I am extremely sensitive to animals so I don't watch.  I still remember images and stories from years ago that I wish I had never seen or heard, I am a lot stricter now with walking away.  It's not worth putting yourself through it.

[blacksheep7]

blacksheep,

I can relate to your comment about escaping into music.  I have done this all my life, with all kinds of music, particularly rock.  It can be cathartic and helpful as long as I am not using it to avoid dealing with real life.

IMO, you stopping the movie was a healthy thing to do.   There's no value in being able to view/consume anything and everything, that would not be discerning.  The deciding factor should be 'is it helpful, do you feel better after listening/watching xyz?'  If not, turn it off.

During my divorce, my teen DS suffered a major depressive episode and was suicidal.  I felt really helpless and was out of my mind with worry.  It had a profound effect on me.  Fast forward a couple years, my DD likes a particular mainstream (young) female singer.  (I happen to like most of her music as well, although she is notoriously dark with her lyrics. ) One song in particular references wanting to "end me", with strong references to suicide.  For a long time I couldn't bear to listen to this song, even now it's hard.  Forcing myself to listen wouldn't benefit anyone. 

Sometimes, these sensitivities are for a season in life.  Then we move through it.  More importantly, is how you are doing internally and it you are working on your own stuff and growing.  Be kind to yourself, you are completely normal to feel this way.

Thank you for your insight and your hug!

I'm sorry for what you have been through with ds during your divorce, omg.   I'm glad that you got throught that.

I still  enjoy and listen to my classic rock  amongst other genres and am open to new music as well.  It was my lifesaver. 

Yes I am growing and still healing, putting in more self-care, putting myself first.

[blacksheep7]

I'm reading Complex PTSD from Surviving to Thriving and am finding it a great read regarding healing work.  One of the things mentioned is about avoiding triggers as it is just reliving the trauma, so I would think it was fine that you stopped watching the movie. It seems the healing work done is to lessen our impact to a trigger so that when they happen we can deal with them better ie deal with our emotions better but I can't see what help there would be in watching a movie and triggering yourself.  I guess if you think about hyper vigilance and the things you do to lessen your startle response but they don't recommend getting your partner or a friend to randomly jump out at you and trigger that startle response as it would make it worse not better.  I would think it would be the same as knowingly watching something that triggers you, to me it's unhealthy.  You'll be triggered throughout life as it is, no need to do it knowingly to yourself.

To this day I cannot watch any sort of animal cruelty in a movie, even when I know it's not real, I can't watch it, I can't watch any animal suffering in movies at all.  Nothing happened in my life regarding animal cruelty but I am extremely sensitive to animals so I don't watch.  I still remember images and stories from years ago that I wish I had never seen or heard, I am a lot stricter now with walking away.  It's not worth putting yourself through it.

I agree with what your are saying about triggers. 

I did read Pete Walker's book which I go to as a reference when I have difficult times but I guess this wasn't one of them.  I just realized as someone wrote on this forum that healing after nc with foo takes a few years for the recovery....now I get it.  If coming Out of the FOG happens late in life, like me, it might have an additional factor, imo. 

I get what you're saying about not watching animal cruelty, neither can I.  Also, the commercials  for donations in  poor developped countries.......I feel sorry for them but tooo  difficult.