still 6 years old, decades later

[desertpine]

I've been doing a lot of journaling lately. I like to write letters to my mom and then shred the letters. It was while doing this today that I tapped into a very young part of myself. I remembered feeling so much self-loathing and pain at only 6 years old. Only 6! I remember saying I wanted to die and going to a therapist who had these really cool crayons for little hands. But at 6 years old I had already learned that it was my fault that my mom or sister were angry or hurt. At that young age, my mom would call me selfish for not thinking about her needs first. Of course, she didn't and still doesn't say what she needs or feels - I was and still am supposed to just know without her saying anything. Over time, I became more and more passive, perfectionistic and depressed. My sister called me her servant and she'd bully me to do the things for her. She'd have awful tantrums - throwing things, slamming doors, yelling and stomping. And according to my mom, it was my fault for 'pushing her buttons.'  She still has tantrums - same angry energy as a child but with the sophistication of an adult.
My dad scared me - he had a temper and expected obedience. It wasn't until high school that I learned that it is considered verbal abuse when he would berate me and swear at me for not complying with his demands immediately. He was a mean man and I avoided him as much as I could. In 4th grade he hit me for wearing roller skates in the house, but for the first time, it didn't hurt and so he had a little less power over me.
Decades later, I still feel hurt and angry when my mom blames me for not knowing how she feels or what she needs. I feel an intense amount of disgust when she sends me letters stating I've hurt her deeply by suggesting she did anything wrong as a mother. I don't think she cares, or is even able to care, about anything other than being seen as inculpable. It's like she says 'I may have hurt you BUT I didn't know better back then, so you can't blame me now for that.' And she even adds ' You need to understand what it was like for me back then. But you can't, so don't judge me for it. And don't bring it up because there is nothing I can do about it now.'
And suddenly I'm feeling 6 years old again, frozen and confused, hurt and angry, scared and abandoned. Decades later and I can still feel that 6 year old inside me. I have the tools to protect and comfort her now, but it still hurts when I realize that she just can't and doesn't care about me or others, because she isn't able to empathize.  And how can I have a relationship with someone who can't empathize and repeatedly blames me for hurting her?

[D.]

Hello Desertpine,

You ask a powerful question, how can one have a relationship w/someone who does not have empathy?  who even blames and criticizes (I see this as emotional/verbal abuse).  The way you were treated as a 6 year old is terrible.  No 6 year old ought to experience such abuse.  Or from your father as you described. 

Personally I am coming to terms with the idea that there are parents who are simply toxic (PD) and we are under no obligation to have a relationship w/them.  At any age.  I've noticed that healthy people who I know do not expose  themselves to the wrath of another person.  It is challenging and so painful when that person was someone who should have provided us the ultimate protection, care and empathy.  A mother or a father.  I see that you journal and participate in the forum, important tools for healing. 

In my case in communication w/my mother, I get ignored if I ever mention "mistakes" by my mother in my childhood such as not protecting me from an extremely abusive father (her husband) or simply ignoring any emotional pain that I experienced.  I have been ignored by telephone, email, and in-person.  Ultimately I realized I simply needed to grieve and say good-bye to my parents in their role of parents.  They never played the role appropriately and they never will. 

I think that I learned here that I lost them to mental illness, my father to PD, my mother to enabling PD/victim/covertPD.  My "parents" are gone.  There is a person there, not a parent in a true sense of the role.  And if someone were hurting me with each interaction I would seriously consider removing myself from their presence via all communication, adding only what did not make me sad.  You are a valuable person worthy of kindness and empathy.

[Hilltop]

Hugs Desertpine, that's tough to deal with.  I was in the same sort of pattern with my parents.  I felt hurt by their actions/insults or would have a conversation with my mother and things would go poorly and then there was trouble, not out in the open trouble but just a coldness or little comments.  Like you on occasion I found out via a third party that there was a problem however my mother wasn't able to communicate with me.  She simply cannot have a conversation about feelings or emotions and the fact that it comes up with me just leads to this pattern of her naming me the difficult one.  My mother cannot seem to empathize either.  If I question her about anything, nothing is wrong and all is good and she has no idea why the third party has said what they said.  And around and around and around it goes.  The blame of course is levelled at me, no one else.

I have also found journaling and inner child work helpful as well as meditation and reading a ton of books.  I have taken a break from my parents so I can work through some stuff.  I have come to realize that no matter how much I would like to have a simple conversation with my mother where she  can have a difference of opinion or disagree with me without it being a thing or an issue, it just isn't going to happen.  My mother seems to think she can insult me and if I am hurt then it's my problem, I should deal with it. I am the problem because I am over sensitive in her eyes.  In some ways she is right, my emotions are my problem and I should deal with them but on the other hand it's not healthy to continually be around people who emotionally or verbally harm you.  It's not normal to be in a constant state of having to heal yourself from the latest encounter.  A person cannot heal around continued abuse.  That sort of relationship is not healthy.

I think one of the biggest things I had to accept to start healing was accepting that my parents weren't going to change.  To acknowledge that there are toxic behaviours there and I cannot change them.  The only people who can do that are my parents and at their age it's unlikely.

When I read your posts I get a sense that you are still waiting to say the right thing to your mother and she will suddenly get it.  She will listen and change her behaviour and if she is upset, she will come and talk to you and it will be ok.  That the right communication by you will fix this. I think it's ok that you write to her and tell her your expectations however I would be surprised if she actually changed her behaviour with you.  It is inbuilt within them. There isn't a problem with stating how you feel or your expectations but wanting things to be different or expecting things to change may lead to further hurt and disappointment because your mother may not be able to change.

You write that she still blames you, that she has said she has done all she could, that she didn't know any better.  Ok that is all about her.  At some point you need to detach from her and her emotions and heal yourself.  For me the start of that is really accepting she won't be the mother I want, I won't get that understanding, remorse, empathy and love I feel I need.  I have to nurture myself to give that to myself.

As for how to have a relationship with someone who continues to hurt you and doesn't seem to care?  I don't know if I can.  I have removed myself to heal myself and I am not sure if down the track I will find a way to make some sort of relationship work or not.  When I think about the relationship there isn't much I get out of it except a whole heap of stress, anxiety and hurt.  I cannot picture myself being with my parents and being really comfortable in my own skin and truly not caring what they think or say.  I'm working on it.

Detaching is about being able to have a relationship that essentially removes that emotional aspect and perhaps that is something that may work for you, however fully detaching is really acknowledging that you won't have the relationship you want and you accept that.  Acknowledging that your mother cannot deal with any sort of emotional response or any sort of differences and then visiting with that in mind.  So whatever it is that you talk about which raises a disagreement such as social justice, you simply don't discuss with her, keep it to topics she is comfortable with such as her health, local news, gardening, the weather etc.  There is no emotional depth there however detaching is accepting the relationship as it is.

I'm sorry if you already know this and I'm sure you do however I just read a sense of longing in your writing for a connection with your mother that you may not be able to achieve.  Hugs.

[Idnaoniw]

Thank you- I really have similar experience as you.  Mine is with BPD mother who isn't elderly so to speak but certainly  has any number of terminal health ailments on any given day.  Communication is painful in the least and I have been LC for years.  When the BPD drama flairs up we have a time out and wrestle with how to move forward.  In those pauses I get emails that are pure fictional gold of pseudo responsibility which is then sandwiched in guilting and shaming.  I used to point out that i am the child you are the parent but that feel on deaf ears.  Her ego won't allow her to be responsible for the behavior that is the wedge in having a meaningful relationship.  UGH.  They are so tiring! I am 43 and just in the past 5 years relearning (or learning) much of life isn't what I thought and that is so frustrating.  I have learned to time my interactions with her to minimize the trauma that comes up from even emailing her.  Talking on the phone is like a circus ride. 
Hope my exp. helps.