Post Holidays Hooverfest with NMIL

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N-MIL texted me yesterday, DH has been NC for over a year, and over that year I have gone more and more very little contact. The text was thanking us for a christmas gift and asking what DH's "mental state" is.

I do not want to answer. I don't want to get sucked in to this attempt at contact. No, that's not accurate.

I WANT TO SCREAM AT HER. I want to tell her that what's going on with his mental state is that he has complex PTSD from her abuse and his time in the military. That he has nightmares about her. That he fears for his safety when he thinks about her. That he spent his entire childhood and any adult time spent with her feeling unloved, unimportant, and unnurtured. I want to tell her the things she needs to do to work to heal this relationship. Because it's going to take WORK from HER. It is not DH's responsibility to repair his relationship with someone who continues to treat him terribly. What he is doing is protecting himself from someone who broke his trust. The person who was supposed to love him and take care of him abandoned and abused him instead. TELL HIM TO GET OVER THAT AND GET BACK TO MOMMY BECAUSE SHE FEEL SAD???? F*** THAT. STAY AWAY FROM HER YOUR WHOLE LIFE IF YOU NEED TO!

I support my husband's decision and the more I learn about what she did to him the less I want to be in her life.

I just don't know what to do with this anger. I have therapy today so I will be talking about this. But, any words you kind folks might have would be greatly appreciated as well.


Sigh.

[bloomie]

Hey there... so tough when we see our DH's suffering and a lack of empathy and compassion from their own mother's. So very infuriating. Your strong feelings of advocacy and protection make perfect sense to me. I hope the time processing this contact will give you some relief and possibly thoughts of how best to go forward with your mil.

[Leonor]

Hi!

OMG, "what's happening with his mental state?" They are just so good at ... urrrggh!!!

Here are the anger activities that I have found actually really helpful when you feel that mad just burning up through your pores:

1. Go for a jog or a hike and keep going until you feel like you can't take another step. Not a stroll, that keeps you stewing, but something you have to exert yourself to do. Don't care about what you wear or what you look like or how far or fast you go.

2. Find a big old book, like an old phone book or Sunday newspaper, and rip it to shreds. At first you'll think, this isn't doing anything, but pretty soon you'll have a floor full of shreds and you'll feel a lot better.

3. Get a teddy bear or any kind of stand-in, even an empty chair, and let MIL have it. Loud and long, just let all of the anger out and don't worry about what you say or how you sound or what comes out of your mouth.

4. My favorite: buy a foam bat and beat the heck out of your sofa cushions. Just keep whacking away without worrying what you look like. Pretty soon you'll feel great relief and have soft pillows too.

When you're done (and it can take a few good sofa-beating sessions), you'll feel relieved, but also clear-headed, and still strong in your boundaries.

Best to you!

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OMG Leonor those ideas are amazing! Thank you so much!  and thanks so much for the sympathy from all!

I talked with my therapist about it Wednesday night and we laid out all the options and the pro/cons of each. I decided to send a steady, firm response asking her to not ask me about DH anymore. Turned out to be a pretty great email, if I do say so myself. I was firm but kind and had DH's approval to share a little bit of information about his "mental state" without inviting any more meddling from her. I hope it's helpful and that she doesn't use it to try to send any flying monkeys my way... but I'm prepared for the monkeys if they do show up!

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A little update... Hoovering MIL sent a flying monkey my way - SIL who lives in our basement apartment... we had a really nice chat this weekend and I think she is starting to come Out of the FOG! We talked about her breaking free from the parts of her life (finances) that MIL still has access to, and she actually used some terms she hasn't used with me before, specifically gaslighting and BPD. SIL is a psych nurse so she may know better what MIL is suffering with - I think it's NPD but haven't looked at BPD... anyway, it's a good sign that she is starting to see some light!